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Jokes'more

HeywoodFloyd
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Joined: Jun 26 2003

 


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HeywoodFloyd
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Joined: Jun 26 2003
With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!!

Please use these helpful hints this and every year.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should NOT wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.


N.Beltov
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Joined: May 25 2003
22. If the demon you just killed starts to grow wings, run over him again several times and make sure to get the head. Maybe rev the engine a little before each time you run over him. You're going to get your eyes gouged out in any case, so enjoy yourself while you can.

Michelle
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Joined: May 10 2001
23. If the abandoned house looks creepy, DON'T GO IN.

N.Beltov
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Joined: May 25 2003
24. If you're on an alien planet and there's some sort of commotion in a hole in the ground, just stick your head in there and see what's going on. I'm sure it's nothing. [img]biggrin.gif" border="0[/img]

Left J.A.B.
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Joined: Apr 29 2005
If a number of your friends have mysteriously disappeared or have been killed in front of your eyes, it is probably not the best time to stop and make out and profess undying love to someone you only met two hours before.

N.Beltov
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Joined: May 25 2003
26. If someone is being dismembered before your very eyes by some reptilian beast, then it's a great time to stare, slack-jawed, at the spectacle and remain where you are. No need to run for your life. There's always the possibility that you can "discuss things" with your new reptilian friend. Yup.

clersal
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Joined: Apr 27 2001
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

al-Qa'bong
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Joined: Feb 27 2003
I dunno clersal; the differently-humoured are going to give you a hard time over this one.

M. Spector
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Joined: Feb 19 2005
She always sails pretty close to the wind. Funny, though!

M. Spector
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Joined: Feb 19 2005
quote:Originally posted by HeywoodFloyd:
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
Gosh, my advice would have been the opposite - change NEVER to ALWAYS.

martin dufresne
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Joined: Dec 24 2005
Just goes to show that with REALLY bad monsters (or jokes), there is no winning strategy.

al-Qa'bong
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Joined: Feb 27 2003
Tabernouche! It's time for a song:

Tu ferais mieux de surveiller ton vocabulaire

...ton vocabulaire.


clersal
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Joined: Apr 27 2001
quote:Originally posted by al-Qa'bong:
I dunno clersal; the differently-humoured are going to give you a hard time over this one.

Elementary my dear Watson.


TVParkdale
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Joined: Oct 25 2008
If your phone rings and a stalker says he is in the house DO NOT run UP the stairs. Where the fluck do you think you are going?

Do not hide in the bathroom with the small window. What are you going to do? Flush him to death?

Grab the nearest heavy blunt object and exit through the closest window or door.

If you are not female blonde and a virgin, the cannibals are GOING to eat you. Cannibals seem to have an overwhelming urge to consume virgin blonde flesh.

If you are the minority friend of the hero, you will die first and gruesomely while you save the Caucasian hero[es]. Learn to run quickly and do not hang around with those of the dominant culture.


M. Spector
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Joined: Feb 19 2005
quote:Originally posted by TVParkdale:
If you are not female blonde and a virgin, the cannibals are GOING to eat you. Cannibals seem to have an overwhelming urge to consume virgin blonde flesh.
Again, I would have said the opposite: Cannibals have an overwhelming urge NOT to consume virgin blonde flesh.

clersal
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Joined: Apr 27 2001
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:


'I outlived the bitches.'


thorin_bane
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Joined: Jun 19 2004

I don't know if anyone has ever seen http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

 

what happen to all the function buttons?

quotes

 

  1. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

     

  2. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

     

  3. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

     

  4. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

Boom Boom
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Joined: Dec 29 2004

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:      

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down.

2.   Page Yourself Over The Intercom.   Don't DisguiseYour Voice !

3.   Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,  ask If They Want Fries with that.

4.   Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9.   Sing Along At The Opera.

10.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!'

13.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
 

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

 

14.    PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

 


rural - Francesca
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Joined: Dec 31 2007
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower
and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application
works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.  Please note that
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring
Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly.  You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.  We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck

al-Qa'bong
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Joined: Feb 27 2003

So women do think of us as programmable machines?

 

I heard a good one today.

 

Q:  Where do Kings keep their armies?

A:  In their sleevies.


Polly B
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Joined: Dec 15 2004

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

 

Under his buccan hat. 


Polly B
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Joined: Dec 15 2004

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” 


Polly B
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Joined: Dec 15 2004

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

bullet

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

bullet

To stamp out burning ducks


Polly B
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Joined: Dec 15 2004

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”


Fidel
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Joined: Apr 29 2004

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama Bin LAden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
 
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: 

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

 


Tommy_Paine
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Joined: Apr 22 2001

Earlier this week my beloved and I were discussing what possible uses could be had from the duck fat we saved from the duck we had for dinner.  After a few ideas, I let it drop for a moment, then dryly returned to the subject.....

"Well, in your spare time, you could use it to waterproof your winter footwear..."

"I don't know if that would work too well....."

 "Yeah.... you were never one to idly shoe the fat...."


lagatta
Online
Joined: Apr 17 2002
That is great, but "you want fries with that"? would be a good message too in this situation. Mmm duck fat fries!

WendyL
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Joined: Jan 29 2008
Can't resist T_P, you quack me up.

clersal
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Joined: Apr 27 2001
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one.."Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you". "It's nothing," said the father."We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this we were able to send each of you to college.Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

clersal
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Joined: Apr 27 2001

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. �She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

 For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. � Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into t own and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

�One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. � Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' �He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, � �

 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'


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