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With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!!

Please use these helpful hints this and every year.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should NOT wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

N.Beltov N.Beltov's picture

22. If the demon you just killed starts to grow wings, run over him again several times and make sure to get the head. Maybe rev the engine a little before each time you run over him. You're going to get your eyes gouged out in any case, so enjoy yourself while you can.


23. If the abandoned house looks creepy, DON'T GO IN.

N.Beltov N.Beltov's picture

24. If you're on an alien planet and there's some sort of commotion in a hole in the ground, just stick your head in there and see what's going on. I'm sure it's nothing. [img]biggrin.gif" border="0[/img]

Left J.A.B.

If a number of your friends have mysteriously disappeared or have been killed in front of your eyes, it is probably not the best time to stop and make out and profess undying love to someone you only met two hours before.

N.Beltov N.Beltov's picture

26. If someone is being dismembered before your very eyes by some reptilian beast, then it's a great time to stare, slack-jawed, at the spectacle and remain where you are. No need to run for your life. There's always the possibility that you can "discuss things" with your new reptilian friend. Yup.


A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


I dunno clersal; the differently-humoured are going to give you a hard time over this one.

M. Spector M. Spector's picture

She always sails pretty close to the wind. Funny, though!

M. Spector M. Spector's picture


Originally posted by HeywoodFloyd:
[b]1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.[/b]

Gosh, my advice would have been the opposite - change NEVER to ALWAYS.

martin dufresne

Just goes to show that with REALLY bad monsters (or jokes), there is no winning strategy.


Tabernouche! It's time for a song:

[url=]Tu ferais mieux de surveiller ton vocabulaire[/url]

...ton vocabulaire.



Originally posted by al-Qa'bong:
[b]I dunno clersal; the differently-humoured are going to give you a hard time over this one.[/b]

Elementary my dear Watson.


If your phone rings and a stalker says he is in the house DO NOT run UP the stairs. Where the fluck do you think you are going?

Do not hide in the bathroom with the small window. What are you going to do? Flush him to death?

Grab the nearest heavy blunt object and exit through the closest window or door.

If you are not female blonde and a virgin, the cannibals are GOING to eat you. Cannibals seem to have an overwhelming urge to consume virgin blonde flesh.

If you are the minority friend of the hero, you will die first and gruesomely while you save the Caucasian hero[es]. Learn to run quickly and do not hang around with those of the dominant culture.

M. Spector M. Spector's picture


Originally posted by TVParkdale:
[b]If you are not female blonde and a virgin, the cannibals are GOING to eat you. Cannibals seem to have an overwhelming urge to consume virgin blonde flesh.[/b]

Again, I would have said the opposite: Cannibals have an overwhelming urge NOT to consume virgin blonde flesh.


All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'


I don't know if anyone has ever seen


what happen to all the function buttons?



  1. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.


  2. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.


  3. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be
    kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
    Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
    applies to the object which is my one weakness.


  4. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:      

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down.

2.   Page Yourself Over The Intercom.   Don't DisguiseYour Voice !

3.   Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,  ask If They Want Fries with that.

4.   Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9.   Sing Along At The Opera.

10.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!'

13.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity




rural - Francesca rural - Francesca's picture


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower
and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?




First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application
works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.  Please note that
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring
Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly.  You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.  We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck


So women do think of us as programmable machines?


I heard a good one today.


Q:  Where do Kings keep their armies?

A:  In their sleevies.

Polly B Polly B's picture

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?


Under his buccan hat. 

Polly B Polly B's picture

This woman rushed to see her
doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:
Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at
myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was
all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had
this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?

The doctor looks her over for a
couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there
ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....

Polly B Polly B's picture

Why do ducks have webbed feet?


To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat


To stamp out burning ducks

Polly B Polly B's picture

A woman gets on a bus with her
baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She
says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!

The man says: “You go right
up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you


After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama Bin LAden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:


Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: 

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."



Earlier this week my beloved and I were discussing what possible uses could be had from the duck fat we saved from the duck we had for dinner.  After a few ideas, I let it drop for a moment, then dryly returned to the subject.....

"Well, in your spare time, you could use it to waterproof your winter footwear..."

"I don't know if that would work too well....."

 "Yeah.... you were never one to idly shoe the fat...."


That is great, but "you want fries with that"? would be a good message too in this situation.

Mmm duck fat fries!


Can't resist T_P, you quack me up.


A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one.."Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".

"It's nothing," said the father."We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this we were able to send each of you to college.Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. �She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

 For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. � Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into t own and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

�One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. � Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' �He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, � �

 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'


Hoodeet (JW)


Fun to read some of these chestnuts I first heard about 30 or 40 years ago.

This one just in:

Bush and Condi at their last press conference before handing over power.

Bush to the media:  And before I leave office I have decided to slaughter 10,000 more Iraqis and a blind cyclist.

Reporter:  Why the blind cyclist?

Bush to Condi:  See? I told you they'd forget the 10,000 Iraqis.



Hoodeet (JW)

Was told this one yesterday... 

The new Bush Presidential Library will include three special rooms:

 1.  The Guantánamo room, from which visitors can't get out.

2.  The  WMD room, which no one can find.

Can't remember the third room. Anyone out there know?



A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine,
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he
had.  The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the
world, it's called turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is
Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson

Agent 204 Agent 204's picture

Q: Why do the English drink warm beer?

A: Because they have Lucas fridges.


A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and started his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Agent 204 Agent 204's picture

Q: What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Stanley Cup playoffs?

A: The Toronto Maple Leafs.


Re No. 24 (the ugly baby joke)

A pedantic note to this joke.  It seems to be genealogically connected to a very racist joke from as late as the 60's, which is identical to this one except the original had a racial label attached to the woman and the punchline was "Here's a banana for your monkey" and in one version it took place on a plane and the interlocutor was a flight attendant.



A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?"

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts ... they're complimentary."

Sven Sven's picture

Boom Boom wrote:

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

I have a friend who used to sometimes write "For Sex" in the memo field.


Eleutherophobics of the World...Unite!!!


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Nooo, no, I'll be all right. Just give me a few minutes,' the man gasped. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'


Agent 204: :D :D re: Leafs joke.

M. Spector M. Spector's picture

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good morning, Father -
Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father - Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes,Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

  A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for
his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his
head and the golfer's ball beside him.

  Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over
the little guy, reviving him.

   'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

   'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

   'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'

   'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

 And the golfer walks off.

 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

 I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

   A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

   'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want
to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

   'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous
golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

   'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?'

   'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

   'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

   The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,  'It's OK.'

   C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

   Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

   'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

   'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish.



(sent by a friend)



Q: "How do Americans address successfull Canadian businessmen?"

A: "Will the defendant please rise."


Tip o' the hat to Peter Pocklington.




A curious fellow died and joined the long waiting line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed some souls were allowed to march right through Heaven’s pearly gates and others were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. Every so often, instead of being hurled into the fire, a soul would be tossed onto a small pile at the side.
The curious fellow watched for a while and finally said: "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness, why do you toss some people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Oh those," Satan groaned, “They're all from the Maritimes so they are still too cold and wet to burn."


Good timing is crucial in comedy.


The timing of that joke sucks.

martin dufresne

Hear, hear.


okay Al-Q and MD. I'll bite. How does the "timing of that joke suck" on self-deprecating Maritime humor?

Catchfire Catchfire's picture

I think, Caissa, because of the recent workers who died, drowning in the Atlantic ocean, from a recent helicopter accident. Did you intend to conjure up associations with that tragic accident?