Jokes'more

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Caissa

I had that epiphany as I was crossing the parking lot this morning that that was what Al-Q and MD thoought.

Idea never crossed my mind for a couple of reasons: first, the maritimes are NB, NB and PEI; second, our part of the world is notorious for rain and fog.

I guess I take from this the message Unionist pointed out yesterday about how culturally and contextually based humor is.  Maritimers would immediately get the joke. It is natural that people in other parts of Canada might immeditely make links to tragedies that took place off at Atlantic Canada. I apologize that my cultural point of reference cam off as being crass.

It's Me D

Caissa:

The joke was funny, I didn't think of the tragedy in Nfld when I read it.

(posted from Parrsboro, NS) 

Catchfire Catchfire's picture

For what it's worth, I didn't make the connection to the helicopter ditch either. It reminded me of this joke from Scotland, who have much in common with the maritimers when it comes to bearing wet weather.

An English engineer got a new job in the Hebrides. When the ferry boat arrived in Stornoway, the weather was cold, wet and windy. The bad weather followed the engineer all the way to his new home, and it was still raining when he went to bed that evening. When he awoke the next morning to start his new job, the wind nor the rain had not stopped. The day after was the same, and the day after that. Finally, when after a week the cold and wet weather hadn't ceased, in exasperation he asked a small boy he passed on the way to his job, 'Tell me, does the weather ever get any better here?'

The boy replied 'I don't know, I'm only six.'

Unionist

Newfoundland and Labrador is not part of the Maritimes. I had no idea what AQ meant by his comment. Halifax has the second highest annual precipitation among Canadian cities. St. John's is the highest. I thought the joke was funny.

clersal

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,  

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 .Then You Are  Probably  The Family Dog!    

TVParkdale

clersal I LOVED IT

 

A pox on those happy slappy new age slogans I say!

 

clersal

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
 toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept 
in.

 As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've 
got
 to make love to me this very moment!"

 My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
 to be my lucky day!"

 Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
 right there on the kitchen table.

 Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt 
still
 around her neck.

 Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

 She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

LaughingLaughingLaughingLaughing

TVParkdale

rofl

clersal

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing  this, a  policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find  them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.  Where did you get all that money?  You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next  to the football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not  make the best of it?'  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

ewwwww!Surprised

Refuge Refuge's picture

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND CAN'T MOVE AS FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

 

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

IT IS HELL GETTING OLD!

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said to him, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.’
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.’

martin dufresne

Un gars téléphone à sa femme au bureau, en état de détresse:

- J'en peux plus : j'essaie de faire un puzzle depuis ton départ ce matin et je n'y arrive pas, j'en ai marre, c'est trop dur !

- Calme-toi mon amour, est-ce que tu as pris le modèle ?

- Oui ! C'est un coq sur la boîte, mais je n'y arrive pas, toutes les pièces se ressemblent, les couleurs aussi....

- Ce n'est rien mon chou, je vais rentrer déjeuner et on verra ça ensemble.

La femme rentre et trouve le type en train de bouder devant la table de cuisine. Elle se penche vers lui, l'embrasse tendrement dans le cou et lui dit :

- Écoute mon chou, je t'adore, t'es le plus beau, le plus fin, le plus intelligent. Voilà ce qu'on va faire : on va remettre les Corn Flakes dans la boîte et on ne dira rien à personne, hein, qu'est-ce que t'en penses?

 

Slumberjack

In the beginning, God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How're things, Eve?" He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"

clersal

Government Business Plan

It is the month of August, on the shores of the  Black Sea . It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel..

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her service on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

clersal

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . How are you getting there?"
 
 "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
 
 "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  Where are you staying in Rome ?"
 
 "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
 
 "Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump"
 
 "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
 
 "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people are trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
 
 A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
 
 "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
 The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
   
 "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
 
 "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
 
 "Oh, really!  What'd he say?"
 
 He said, "Who fucked up your hair?" 
 

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

Laughing

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

 

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

 

Tommy_Paine

 

"Google is like God....only with answers."

 

 

Agent 204 Agent 204's picture

Q: What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?

A: Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Tommy_Paine

 

Forgive me if this has already been told.

 

A fundamentalist Christian was in town to attend a Christian convention.  He waited his turn in line at the check in counter, and finally his turn came.   The clerk confirmed his reservations, took his credit card, and then a thought struck the Christian gentleman.

"Is the porn in my room disabled?"  he asked.

"No it's regular porn, ya sick fuck." replied the clerk.

George Victor

An Englishman flies into Boston one evening, planning on attending a business meeting the next day at his hotel.  With time on his hands, he remembers reading about a restaurant that serves a maritime dish, named scrawd.  But he cannot recall the name of the restaurant.

Flagging a cab, he immediately asks the driver where he could get it. To which the cabby replies, "Mack, I've been driving this area for 35 years, but yours is the first time I've heard it expressed in the pluperfect subjunctive ".

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

"These turkeys in your frozen food section seem so small. Do they get any bigger?"

"No ma'am, they're dead."

NorthReport

If anyone has some paint I'll freshen up my new boat and we'll all for a cruise up Indian Arm. 

 

The 50-metre boat was spotted by a patrol aircraft off the coast of Haida Gwaii, B.C.

 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2012/03/23/bc-fishi...

 

Slumberjack

Header for an anonymous remark found today on the workplace bulletin board, complaining about not being appreciated by their boss during Administrative Professionals Week:

Adminstrative Profesional Weel....

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

HeywoodFloyd wrote:
With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!!

I miss Heywood, N. Beltov, and others in this thread. This thread reminded me how much I miss them.

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