Somali Pirates to acquire Illinois Senate Seat

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Somali Pirates to acquire Illinois Senate Seat

Incredible - this investigative business journalist has painstakingly connected two seemingly disparate phenomena and uncovered a frightening conspiracy of far-reaching proportions:

After a successful hostile takeover of U.S. bank Citigroup, the Somali pirates are on track to secure a seat in the United States Senate. According to Pirate spokesman Ali Hashimi Mohammed, capital secured by Citigroup from the U.S. Treasury's TARP program along with the booty of various captured ships is being used to finance a leveraged buyout of the seat previously occupied by President-elect Barack Obama. A letter of intent seen by Bloomberg puts the acquisition price at $1.2 trillion.

In a wiretapped conversation with Mohammed, embattled Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich said the seat "is a f****** valuable thing, you don't just give it away for nothing."

Mohammed countered that Citigroup's corporate charter, now controlled by the Pirates, is itself "pretty f****** vaulable." He noted that Citigroup's capital requirements under Basel 1 currently allow them to finance the production of nearly $60 of loans for every dollar of capital.

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Catchfire Catchfire's picture

It's a pretty good piece of journalism, but it unfortunately suffers from an American-centric view. As such, our intrepid reporter misses the crucial link between the Somali pirates and the proposed Liberal-Communist-Separatist coalition just north of Illinois. As far as I've heard, the money being offered for the pirate senate seat in Illinois is counter-leveraged against capital accrued by splinter anachro-trotskyist sovereigntist groups through a siphoning scheme in leage with Quebec Hydro, which of course would allow Somali pirates a voice in parliament. You can see, then, why Stephen Harper is rushing to protect vacant Canadian Senate seats from imminent Somali piracy.