A thread for non-offensive jokes.

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alien
A thread for non-offensive jokes.

2 people of unspacifies age, sex, nationality, race, religion, sexual orientation, profession, colour, social status, wealth and mental state meet on the street. One of them is pulling a boot on a leash. The other says: "what a nice doggy you have!" The first takes offenece: "are you crazy?- this is not a dog, this is a boot!". The other says: "then why don't you put it on?" The first gets even angrier: "Are you crazy? You want it to bite my leg off?"

Caissa

Two aliens walked into a bar. You would have thought the first one would have seen it.

Ken Burch Ken Burch's picture

Q: How many people of unspacified age, sex, nationality, race, religion, sexual orientation, profession, colour, social status, wealth and mental state does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Which of us are entitled to judge?

Caissa

I had to change two lightbulbs this morning. Our sons decided. Frown

Lachine Scot

Haha, well done, Ken! I love it!

absentia

...so the other dolphin says, "Sure I got shot at, but I get lots of fish, too."

Thanks for them.

alien

Little child (of unspecified sex) complains to his/her parent: “Parent!, Parent!, the teacher is picking on me!”
Parent confronts the teacher (unspecified sex): “Why are you picking on my child?”
Teacher: “Little child, how much is seven times eight?”
Little child: “You see Parent, he/she is doing it again!”

Uncle John

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Caissa

A piece of string walks into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says" We don't serve string here" The string slinks out and starts a concerted action to put pressure on the bar to serve string. Day after day they try to be served but are refused. The bar brings in security who beat up some of the protesters tying them up. One of them in rough shape crawls into the bar, hauls itself up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says " We have a policy of not serving string. Don't you understand this. Aren't you a piece of string?"

"Nope, I'm a frayed not."

Weltschmerz

Two atoms are walking out of a bar when the first one says "Oops, I left my electrons behind"

The second atom says "Are you sure?"

The first one says "Yes, I'm positiive"

WilderMore

Weltschmerz wrote:

Two atoms are walking out of a bar when the first one says "Oops, I left my electrons behind"

The second atom says "Are you sure?"

The first one says "Yes, I'm positiive"

Then it was really one atom and one ion that walked out of the bar, yes? Joke Fail!

ygtbk

Weltschmerz wrote:

Two atoms are walking out of a bar when the first one says "Oops, I left my electrons behind"

The second atom says "Are you sure?"

The first one says "Yes, I'm positiive"

Similarly: a neutron walks into a bar and says "How much is a beer?". Bartender says "For you - no charge".

alien

Three persons of unspecified but different nationalities languish in a boat in the middle of the ocean. They fish out a bottle and a genie comes out when they open the cork, offering each of them one wish for liberating him/her.

Person 'A' says: "I would like to be back in my favourite sidewalk cafe in city 'P'

Person 'B' says: "I would like to be in my favourite theatre in my tall town on a very wide street".

Person 'C', in an upper class whine says: "it is suddenly so lonely, I wish my friends were still here".

Three persons are languishing in a boat.

Two of them very angry.

Lachine Scot

A genie! What an offensive orientalist trope ;)

alien

I stand corrected!

My apologies!

I should have said "unspecified, non-material, magical entity"!

Mea Culpa!

I will endevour to learn and evolve in non-offensivity!

 

Uncle John

A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No, only beer, wine, and liquor here. Now scram!"

The next day, the same duck walks into the same bar, and says, "Got any grapes?"

"Look I told you yesterday", said the bartender, "We don't have any grapes. Now get out of here before I lose my temper".

The third day, the duck walks into the bar and says, "Got any grapes?"

"Listen", said the bartender, "I told you we don't have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask if I have any grapes, I will nail your head to this bar."

The fourth day the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any grapes?"

alien

When the (unspecified) Creator created the Universe, he/she/it gave each nation a good characteristic.

Nation 'A' became clever, nation 'B' became good at science, nation 'C' at art, etc., etc.

When founding father/mother #1 of Nation ‘A’ died and met his/her Creator, he/she asked the Creator for a second good characteristic. He/she wanted his/her nation to be honest as well. The Creator agreed and after that Nation ‘A’ citizens were both clever and honest.

When founding father/mother #2 of Nation ‘A' died and met his/her Creator, he/she asked the Creator for a third good characteristic: he/she wanted his/her nation to be Capitalist as well.

The Creator agreed but with one condition: in any one of the citizens of Nation ‘A’ only 2 of the 3 characteristics can be present at the same time.

Since then on:

Citizens of Nation ‘A’ who are capitalist and clever, could not be honest.
Those who are capitalist and honest, could not be clever.
Finally, those who were both clever and honest, could not possibly be Capitalist

mmphosis

"Non-offensive" jokes?  I find that offensive.

Uncle John

Two old men are standing next to each other.

1: "Did you take a bath?"

2: "No.. Was there one missing?"

Catchfire Catchfire's picture

Uncle John, your duck joke at #15 is a staple of mine! Only for me, it's a pharmacy, and the pharmacist threatens to nail the duck's feet to floor...

alien

Alien is jumping up and down on top of a manhole cover, chanting "42,42,42...."

Catchfire comes along as asks: "What are you doing?"

Alien says: "I am having fun"

Catchfire: "What's fun about it?"

Alien: "Why don't you try it?"

Catchfire: "OK, I will try everything once".

He jumps up and down on top of the manhole cover, chanting "42, 42, 42"

When he is up in the air, Alien pulls the manhole cover aside for a moment and then closes it again.

Alien resumes jumping and chanting: "43, 43, 43"

Laughing

alien

There is a long pole in the middle of the yard of an unspecified institution. Members of the institution affix a board to the top of the pole, with a note on it, and climb the pole every day, one by one, read it, nod, then climb down. The supervisors are burning with curiosity what the note says. Finally, one night, after the members retire, one of the supervisors climbs up the pole, reads the note, nods and then climbs down. “What does it say”? ask the other supervisors. “It says: ‘this is the end of the pole, don’t try to climb any further’” the first supervisor replies. They both nod and go home.

Food for thought for Babble.

Boom Boom Boom Boom's picture

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little shit's name is Kevin."