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Do I and should I tell my roomate/landlord that I am a pre op trans woman?

takeitslowly
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Joined: May 31 2009

Hi all, as some of you may know, my mother passed away more than a year ago. way before her time due to lung cancer. She never smoked!! Novemeber is lung cancer awareness month , btw.

 

Anyways, I am having trouble making any decision about anything and I am going to be out of my comfort zone because the lease for the apartment that my mother and I used to live in will be over in the new year and i am not going to renew it. Its too expensive and I dont neeed a big place. I have never really lived with roomate and share washroom or bathroom with strangers.

 

I am still deciding if i should move to the U.S  to be with my boyfriend or live in Toronto for a little longer because I am still on some kind of a waiting list for sex reassignement surgery. (But i still havent decided if i want to actually go through with it,  it is not my top piority and i am dealing with too much mental health issues like depression and anxieities) I would lose my job and my comfort zone if i do decide to move to the US, which i might do, because hes really sweet guy and he loves me but still, i opuld be financially dependent on him.

 

 

A little background about myself, I been living as a female for almost 10 years  although I can pass as a woman , i am not always sure that nobody will suspect , especially if they are going to be close living quarter with me. and  i have trouble waking up or caring  about my appearance at all because i am still very depressed about my mother being gone and everyday i feel like i want to die although i would never do it. Anyways. . Since i am not looking for a one year lease rental, i have been seeking places where i can rent and live with roomates. I visited a lady , shes the landlord and she lives with her teenage daughter. I would be sharing a bathroom with the teenage daughter. I am having trouble deciding if its a good idea, or if i should just try again and  find another room where i have my own private bathroom or an LGBTQ friendly place. (which will not be easy)

 

I usually never tell anyone about being transgender because I want people to like me and my need for approval is more intense than ever since my mother passed away.

 

my mind is all over hte place and  although i have friends, i dont have family now that my mom and my universe is gone, I cant think clearly..so any insights would be appreciated.  thanks for reading..

 


Comments

Pondering
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Joined: Jun 14 2013

It's nobody's business but your own that you are transgender and your medical/physical status is equally personal. In terms of sharing the bathroom I assume there's a lock on the door. You are no threat to anyone. The only people you have a responsibility to disclose to are intimate partners.

If at some point the woman or her daughter "figure it out" if they are good people it won't matter.

Given your mental state you shouldn't be making life changing decisions like giving up your job and moving to the states. If your boyfriend loves you then he will be willing to wait until you are feeling stronger.


takeitslowly
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Joined: May 31 2009

thanks for responding kindly..well i have always had problem deciding anything in life, i am always afraid of making the wrong decision so this is nothing new, i often just make no decisions at all (which is a decision)

 i might never be prepared or well enough to make a decison

maybe i should just find a mixed gender rental, i am creating stresses for myself even now when i havent decided i would move in..

 

or i can just quit my job i am sure theres always crappy call centre jobs to work in , right?..


Paladin1
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Joined: Jan 14 2013

It could be because I'm getting old but every day I appreciate more and more just how huge our universe is and just how insignificant little shit on earth can be. I don't mean your concerns are insignificant! I just mean we should all get along and love each other and treat each other like we're souls.

I wouldn't concern youself with sharing  a bathroom with the teenage daughter. i think every day more and more people are coming around to the notion that it's 2015 and there is more important stuff to fret about.   Perhaps you could bring it up in a conversation and guage how they react to it and if it's a non-issue then move in?  You're such a great person on here they would be blessed to have someone like you living with them.  Have faith in how awesome you are!

Also, I've always been taught making a decision, even the wrong one, is better than making no decision at all.


Ken Burch
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Joined: Feb 26 2005

I'd like to add my support to you in your transitions(you have more than one going on, obviously), and wish you well.  It would be difficult enough trying to process the decisions you have to make right now, but having to do so in a time of deep grief and(most likely)personal and emotional exhaustion must be even worse.

 

Be well, and be careful.  I wish I could offer more hope than I am.

 


pookie
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Joined: Dec 13 2005

I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles right now.

My POV is a bit different.  Obviously your status is nobody's business.  But, given your current anxieties, I think it would be a good idea to try and ensure that the people you live with are open-minded.  I think there are ways to do that without disclosing.  For example, can you try and find another living situation through friends?  

I would hate for you to be in a placewhere you felt harrassed or uncomfortable.  Of course you are entitled to respect, but this is going to be your home. Being forced to fight for respect in that environment would be traumatic.


Unionist
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Joined: Dec 11 2005

Ken Burch wrote:

You don't have to tell your landlord or your roommate anything about your gender status.  And, since(as I understand it)trans people are still not protected under the Charter or any anti-discrimination laws(listening to me, Justin?) it's in your interest not to reveal anything to them that you don't need to reveal. 

This is provincial jurisdiction, not federal - and in TS's province, gender identity discrimination has been illegal since 2012:

Quote:
Under the Ontario Human Rights Code (the Code) people are protected from discrimination and harassment because of gender identity and gender expression in employment, housing, facilities and services, contracts, and membership in unions, trade or professional associations.

So the legal protections are clearly there. But I think pookie's comments are more to the point.

Wishing you well as always, TS. You've been through too much in the past year and more.


Mr. Magoo
Online
Joined: Dec 13 2002

Just my couple of thoughts:

1.  a "landlord" is a legal role -- the person who owns the dwelling you rent -- and as has been pointed out there are legal limitations on landlords so you have no need to tell them anything.  I think that a roommate is less of a legal role and more of a personal one, so NOT telling them could result in an uncomfortable living arrangement.  You still don't have to, of course, but you could be taking a chance if you don't.

2.  if your current dwelling is too big for you then rather than trying to find an amenable roommate and move into "their" place, why not renew your lease and put up some ads in the right places -- "Fun, mature, politically-minded transwoman seeks cool roommate" -- then your status is out of the way, you save the cost and hassle of moving, and you'll probably get a much greater choice of who you live with.  As an added bonus, some transperson out there might see your ad and think "OMG this is PERFECT".


Ken Burch
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Joined: Feb 26 2005

Unionist wrote:

Ken Burch wrote:

You don't have to tell your landlord or your roommate anything about your gender status.  And, since(as I understand it)trans people are still not protected under the Charter or any anti-discrimination laws(listening to me, Justin?) it's in your interest not to reveal anything to them that you don't need to reveal. 

This is provincial jurisdiction, not federal - and in TS's province, gender identity discrimination has been illegal since 2012:

Quote:
Under the Ontario Human Rights Code (the Code) people are protected from discrimination and harassment because of gender identity and gender expression in employment, housing, facilities and services, contracts, and membership in unions, trade or professional associations.

So the legal protections are clearly there. But I think pookie's comments are more to the point.

Wishing you well as always, TS. You've been through too much in the past year and more.

I appreciate the corrections and have now deleted the portions of my original post that were incorrect.  Thanks, U.


bagkitty
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Joined: Aug 27 2008

Sorry to be the one being the discordant voice in the choir, but housing is one of the areas of Human Rights legislation subject to a number of broad exceptions, particularly in reference to any form of shared accomodation. The Ontario Human Rights Commission has some good information about this [at the link].

OHRC wrote:

Section 21 of the Code sets out three exceptions to the equality rights with regard to housing:

  • (1) Shared accommodation

The right under section 2 to equal treatment... is not infringed by discrimination where the residential accommodation is in a dwelling in which the owner or his or her family reside if the occupant or occupants of the residential accommodation are required to share a bathroom or kitchen facility with the owner or family of the owner. [...]

I think Magoo makes important points in post #7, and I think his numbered suggestion (2)  is a really constructive one.


brookmere
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Joined: Jun 23 2005

But you're looking at it backward - in this case someone is offering to share their dwelling to a potential roommate. What the law says is that such a person does not have to give applicants equal treatment.

Someone seeking accommoadtion of any sort is obviously entitled to turn it down for whatever reason they want.

 


laine lowe
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Joined: Dec 15 2006

I too think that Pookie has some very good advice about making sure you don't add any more stress in your life and Magoo's idea of finding a roommate to share your current home seems like a very good option, TS. A move alone is extremely stressful and often emotionally draining. If there is a way to stay put in the comfort of your home, I would suggest you explore that option. I do hope you find a solution that keeps you comfortable and stress free so that you can take care of yourself.


Unionist
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Joined: Dec 11 2005

bagkitty wrote:

Sorry to be the one being the discordant voice in the choir, but housing is one of the areas of Human Rights legislation subject to a number of broad exceptions, particularly in reference to any form of shared accomodation.

Thanks for that correction, bagkitty. I totally missed that point. Québec law doesn't allow for as broad a range of exceptions, and I didn't research the Ontario law as I should have done.

Quote:
I think Magoo makes important points in post #7, and I think his numbered suggestion (2)  is a really constructive one.

Me too. And what pookie said.

 


takeitslowly
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Joined: May 31 2009

thanks everyone for adivisng me

 

i think i will probably keep looking for a rental where there are mixed gender roomates or rommates/landlord who know my status


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