Alternative relationships
July 19, 2010 - 9:11pm
I wanted to start a topic about alternative relationships. "Alternative to what?", you might ask, like Ellen Page in Whip It...
Well, the obvious alternatives would be alternatives to monogamy, but I don't think that even quite covers it. How about, alternatives to monogamy AND alternatives to miserable monogamy? Meaning, even in monogamous relationships, there can be alternatives to 'traditional' models in which enforced gender roles and lack of real communication lead to less than fulfilling romantic relationships.
The idea is discussing relationships that are 'outside the rut'. Be they open, polyamorous, swinging, monogamous, homo/bi/het, whatever.
I was in a 'monogamous' het relationship for 10 years. It was really awful. I mean...I'm still discovering, two years after I ended it, just how awful it was. It's not the fault of heterosexual monogamy, it was lack of trust, lack of communication, and a whole bunch of emotional abuse.
I'm glad I got out.
Life wasn't always like that though. My first relationship was with a woman, and that lasted on and off for about 7 years (we started young). I first encountered the idea of an 'open' relationship in university, hanging around with the student activists. I also discovered that it was quite often code for "my boyfriend wants to sleep with other women, and I love him so I'm agreeing, but he's too jealous to handle me sleeping with other guys so I'm not going to and I guess that's fair, isn't it?"
So I was jaded. But then, I found myself in a poly relationship with a lesbian, a bi girl, and a straight guy. It was sort of complicated...we weren't all into each other...the lesbian was only interested in the other bi girl and the bi girl and the straight guy were a primary couple, so I was sort of an 'addition' from time to time, never with the bi girl alone. It was strange and awesome at the same time...there were jealousies but we always talked about them. Everyone was clear. Until feelings changed, and things changed with them. But it was refreshing, because even when it got weird, it was openly weird.
I was never able to be sexually honest with my ex. He was too jealous. Even the idea of former lovers bothered him. I never understood that. At one point, he wanted to swing. It was code. I saw it. Nu-uh.
Now I'm in an open relationship, but it's not code for anything, and it's got rules, which change when our feelings change, and it's honest and trusting and just about the best thing I've ever experienced in my life. What amazes me the most about it is how simple it is... so much more simple than deceit and manipulation and unhappiness and frustration in my one serious monogamous relationship. Again, not dissing monogamy here... I'm just dissing the kind of weirdness that can go on in a relationship when you can't really trust one another.
So that's where I'm coming from with this.
I was in a threesome for a while. It was trusting enough, and pretty much fulfilled all of our needs. But it was a lot of work. Too much for me eventually. And in dropping out and leaving them to be a couple- which they were OK with, I left the area, and probably had to.
I've yet to know couples that break away from monogamy openly, and find that it works for them such that they don't end either the primary relationship or the extracurriculars.
I thik that what probably works best in practice for most people, is monogamy, possibly with very occassional and short exceptions. And if the mongamous relationship doesnt work or stops working, you move on. But I suspect even thats just another ideal that in practice is no more attainable than the rest of the options. Because a very high proportion of people get stuck in a rut and dont move on anyway.
[Ruts of course have degrees themselves. Even ruts that dont hurt like yours must have are not great. But sometimes you can get out of the rut. At least out enough that you dont wonder all the time if this is doing anybody any good. But when you know you are in a rut, whats reasonable hope or expectation that you can get out or leave, and whats probaly going to end up being travelling along in the rut for god knows how long, too much of your life? And who knows that difference?]
Even with rules in an open relationship, and adaptability to adjusting to them, I would think you can never get away from the fear that one of you is going to unintentionally get into another relationship that pulls too hard and wont be left behind. Even if that happens to me, what will I feel about the cross-currents? And how am I going to feel if I'm not the primary relationship amy more? And what are the practicalities [especially, but not limited to kids]?
I really doubt thats the same as you dont really know how long any monogamous relationship will last either. [And that if you have kids together, you still dont really know.]
Again, not dissing monogamy here... I'm just dissing the kind of weirdness that can go on in a relationship when you can't really trust one another.
I agree.. I think the wierdness isn't necessarily a symptom of monogamy - because many people truly want tmonogamy and it is fine.
I think that because monogamy is the accepted model that people are supposed to fit into a lot of people don't ever talk about what works and what does not work - emotionally, sexually, and in terms of intimacy and personal space. Why else do so many people cheat, feel frustrated, or have secrets that they don't think they can share with their partners?
The only time I have been in anything like an open relationship was when a partner I was with wanted to have a relationship with another person as well. (edit) in retrospect I think it was a cowardly way of ditching me without coming right out and saying it.
I made what I thought was a free decision, but learned pretty quickly that it was not the right one. I am sure there are plenty of people who get into this sort of relationship under duress because that is their only option for having a relationship at all with the person they are attracted to. People often do not make decisions in their best interest when it comes to relationships. Likewise there are people who twist their partners into accepting other lovers without any concern for feelings.
I do understand that that kind of unbalanced situation isn't a true alternative relationship. I do have friends who are in them and make it work, and I certainly have respect for those who can do so.
Of course, there are all kinds of variation. Some couples who play with others, together or separately, might not see it as an alternative at all, especially if they see themselves primarily as two people in a partnership.
Ultimately it all comes down to open communication, respect and trust, no matter what kind of relationship you are in.
Even with rules in an open relationship, and adaptability to adjusting to them, I would think you can never get away from the fear that one of you is going to unintentionally get into another relationship that pulls too hard and wont be left behind. Even if that happens to me, what will I feel about the cross-currents? And how am I going to feel if I'm not the primary relationship amy more? And what are the practicalities [especially, but not limited to kids]?
I really doubt thats the same as you dont really know how long any monogamous relationship will last either. [And that if you have kids together, you still dont really know.]
I'm not particularly worried about either of us ending up in relationships that pull us away from one another. If I do have that worry from time to time, I talk about it, and vice versa. That's probably the most refrshing aspect of this relationship...I can admit to my petty insecurities and jealousies when they arise, and simply talking about them helps to get over them. I was never able to do that before, and little things built up and became big things.
If my lover really did find someone else and was happier with that person, it would hurt yes, and I would hate it, but I also wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I deserve to be happy too, and I wouldn't be happy being in a relationship with someone who didn't really love me anymore.
Getting out of a long term relationships (with kids!) pretty much conquered any fears I have about leaving relationships and 'starting over'. We stay together because we like being together, not because we feel obligated to be together.
I also brought up the 'changing' aspect of my open relationship because I've seen other open relationships with rigid rules that were unrealistic. Some people approach 'the rules' like a contract that can't be altered, and the parties feel bound to adhere to the rules even if makes them miserable. No thanks! If I'm feeling particularly vulnerable or insecure or whatever...yes, those are my issues and it's not really the fault of my partner, but nonetheless sometimes you can't conquer your feelings or rationalise them away, and sometimes you need to change the rules for a while. I think that as long as we are clear on what's happening...that if we sometimes create double standards we recognise that this is what we're doing (instead of pretending it's something else)...that flexibility in the 'rules' makes it possible for us to continue communcating honestly with one another.
I agree.. I think the wierdness isn't necessarily a symptom of monogamy - because many people truly want tmonogamy and it is fine.
I think that because monogamy is the accepted model that people are supposed to fit into a lot of people don't ever talk about what works and what does not work - emotionally, sexually, and in terms of intimacy and personal space. Why else do so many people cheat, feel frustrated, or have secrets that they don't think they can share with their partners?
No one ever taught me how to communicate...it's one of those things that gets taken for granted I think. And communicating in a relationship? Well isn't that intuitive?
Pshaw. Not even!
When friends found out I was in an open relationship, I started having people, one by one, coming up to me and asking me how it works. What they were really asking me was how we talk about these issues. Most of them were in relationships where they'd started off with the 'intuitive' route and discovered that there were things they just avoided discussing...and now, really didn't know how to approach issues like 'how did we decide to be monogamous'?
I have no idea how to deal with that situation...I was not at all successful trying to overcome the initial assumptions of my 10 year relationship. The foundation was already too crooked to fix. When I started this relationship, we questioned those assumptions right away. I think it's easier to build a new house than to renovate an old one. Took me a long time to realise it though, and it's not the sort of advice I think people want to hear (and maybe they can succeed where I failed!).
Still, of the successful monogamous, open or poly relationships I've encountered, the beginning was similar in that those assumptions (monogamy or not, what roles do we play in the relationship, what expectations do we have of one another) were discussed before there WAS a relationship. Those conversations have to be ongoing, I find, because how can you set the parameters of any relationship at the outset, and never revisit them? How do you know what you want in your relationship until you're actually experiencing it?
Any thoughts today on this topic?