I'm not here to make friends
As people approach midlife, the days of youthful exploration, when life felt like one big blind date, are fading. Schedules compress, priorities change and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends.No matter how many friends you make, a sense of fatalism can creep in: the period for making B.F.F.’s, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It’s time to resign yourself to situational friends: K.O.F.’s (kind of friends) — for now.
But often, people realize how much they have neglected to restock their pool of friends only when they encounter a big life event, like a move, say, or a divorce.
That thought struck Lisa Degliantoni, an educational fund-raising executive in Chicago, a few months ago when she was planning her 39th birthday party. After a move from New York to Evanston, Ill., she realized that she had 857 Facebook friends and 509 Twitter followers, but still did not know if she could fill her party’s invitation list. “I did an inventory of the phases of my life where I’ve managed to make the most friends, and it was definitely high school and my first job,” she said.
After a divorce in his 40s, Robert Glover, a psychotherapist in Bellevue, Wash., realized that his roster of friends had quietly atrophied for years as he focused on career and family. “All of a sudden, with your wife out of the picture, you realize you’re lonely,” said Dr. Glover, now 56. “I’d go to salsa lessons. Instead of trying to pick up the women, I’d introduce myself to the men: ‘Hey, let’s go get a drink.’ ”
It's so true. These are conversations I've had with my mom, especially since I don't have siblings. Once my parents and grandparents are gone, I'll be pretty much alone in the world except for my son. I have cousins, but there's only one that I'm really in touch with at all, and even that cousin only occasionally. My husband is more than a decade older than me. So once I'm alone in the world, I'm really going to be alone in the world.
Which is what makes friends so important. But I find it true - if you move around a lot (which I have) or change circles due to divorces or changes in circumstances (e.g. giving up going to church), it's hard to make those "best friends forever" kind of friends. What's more, the BFFs you thought were BFFs move on, and that's natural.
I think BFFs are actually extremely rare in people's lives. I haven't met a whole lot of people who have had the same best friend since childhood, and are still actually "best friends" with them (and I don't mean keeping in touch occasionally on Facebook).
Facebook is interesting that way - it gives you the illusion of having hundreds of friends, but the thing is, the only place you socialize with the vast majority of them is, well, on Facebook. It's great to be able to get back in touch with, and stay in touch with, a bunch of people you've lost touch with, and you get to know about all the little things happening in their lives. But are you actually closer to them as a result? Maybe, in a certain way. But is it a way that counts, when it counts?
If I get sick suddenly, I would get a lot of "get well soon" notes on Facebook if I were still on there, I'm sure, and even polite offers of "anything I can do, just let me know," but will I get people visiting me in real life, helping with housework, bringing food over? That's the kind of community a lot of people really crave from their friends, and Facebook gives you the illusion that you're getting it when times are good and busy. But when times turn not so good and you need more than virtual hugs and vicarious dinner parties through pictures of what they had for dinner last night, who do you turn to?
Those are your friends. And I think a lot of us don't have as many of them as we think we do.
Speaking of church, that's one thing about it that is really amazing, and something I missed when I left. The community is unparallelled.
You go to church and see people there every week, at least once a week, or more if you go to the weeknight groups and socials. You visit each other's houses, have potlucks together, socialize together all the time. If someone gets sick, they get visits from lots of people in the church, they get help and housework and tangible support. If someone dies, or is dying, the surviving family gets help with taking care of the person and warm friendship, community support and love during the grieving period.
It's something "the left" could learn from, actually, although I realize there are lots of lefties who go to church. Lefty groups are generally formed around issues, and you do make friends, and you do hang out with each other. But if you have to drop out of the activist side for a while because of a life issue or crisis, do you get the in-person, tangible visits, help, and support? I've talked to a couple of people who have said, no, not really - they mostly got support from other friends whose friendships were based on things other than shared support for this issue or that political point of view.
Personally, I did notice a big drop in "friendships" when I left Facebook. Suddenly, I was out of touch with so many people that I used to pseudo-socialize with every day on Facebook, sharing articles, making witty comments about said articles, telling them what I had for supper, sharing a picture of something interesting I passed that day - and neither they nor I have made all that much of an effort to stay in touch. I'm not upset about it, because I think it's natural for friendships to wax and wane, and for people to move on.
Getting off Facebook has made me crave real friendship, and I'm finding myself focusing a lot more on real life friendships - visiting each other, cooking together, yakking on the phone until all hours...those kinds of friendships. And as a result, I don't miss the online interaction as much, although I do find myself saying to myself, "I wonder how so-and-so is doing - I really do have to give her/him a call."
Great article.
And Michelle is absolutely right about church as being a source of friends. In my case, it's synagogue. When I moved to New York for dental school, I didn't know a single person. Yeah, I met people in my program with whom I was friendly but they were more acquaintances with whom I got along, not people to really spend time with. I grew up in a pretty religious family so joined a synagogue in Manhattan and the congregation was mainly people in their 20s and 30s. It was amazing how quickly I was welcome and how people would trip over themselves to invite me for Shabbat dinner or lunch (I also got a ton of dates since the place was full of singles and I was the new guy from Canada).
Anyway, I met my now wife and we moved back to Toronto (where I was from) and where she now didn't know a sould but very quickly fell into the synagogue community there. Pretty much every week, we either host people at our house or get invited to someone's house. I play in our synagogue softball team in the summer and basketball team in the winter. My wife is part of the "sisterhood" that gets together all the time for various activities. And, if someone is sick, if someone loses a family member, the community is always there for them. When my grandmother died, we had literally dozens of people dropping off prepared meals on our doorsteps so we wouldn't have to worry about cooking.
But as people get less religious and less involved in any sort of community organizations, I guess opportunities to meet people decline. Robert Putnam wrote that book "Bowling Alone" about the decline of civic participation in American life. The title was premised on the fact that more people are bowling but fewer people are bowling in leagues where they actually meet new people. And i"m sure most community groups, whether the rotary club, the elks or whatever are seeing huge declines in membership.
I ended up clearing out my Facebook friends. It was weird to have hundreds of "friends" who I hadn't talked to in years and probably wouldn't again. So my new policy was "If I wouldn't get together with you for a beer, we really don't need to be 'friends' online."
I think this would explain the rise in Freemason applications I see. And I am totally in Michelles boat. And Mrs Bacchus was from the minute she moved up here and it never changed
Michelle and Mr.Tea's comments are very good. I would add that I agree church (or synagogue or mosque) is great source of friendships. I no longer attend church (crisis of faith) but my wife does. I notice she has developed many long and enduring friendships from there. The other thing I notice about couples and friendships is that the wives usually seem to be the basis of friendships. Perhaps that is just my experience because my wife is warm, engaging and chrismatic while I am shy and stand offish. However, I noticed that with parents also. The couples friendship seemed to always start with my mom orthe female in the relationship.
I also agree with Michelle's comments about Facebook and the illusion of friendships. Maybe that is also contributing to the "bowling alone" trend.
Yeah, same here. My wife is the charismatic one who everyone seems to gravitate towards. How I managed to get her to marry me is a mystery for the ages!
In my case the operant word is pity.
I think Michelle made some really great points. The thing that I noticed about "making friends" is that there seems to be a cultural expectation that you make your friends, find your partner, etc in your early to mid-20s, and by then you are supposed to settle down with your family after that. I'm in my 30s, but I've noticed that often when I enter environments where people go to meet one another, many of the participants are several years younger than I am, so it's not easy. And this point has already been touched upon, where people basically focus on their families to the exclusion of the world around them. Why? I think part of the reason is where many people with families end up: suburbs. Many people live in suburbs which separate where you live, work, go to school, church, do recreation etc, and one of the consequences is that social outings and interactions have to be rigidly planned. Contrast that with living in either an urban centre or a small community, where people live, work, go to school, church, and find recreation right within their neighbourhoods, and it's more spontaneous, and because people see each other all the time, the social bonds are much stronger. And again, Facebook gives the illusion that this need is being met. As someone who's not on Facebook, it frightens me the number of people under the age of 35 who seem to be unable to maintain human relationships that aren't mediated through a digital medium.
Facebook is valuable for me, because so many of my real life friends are on it and we converse and share things on Facebook all the time. I'm old, living on disability, and in a very isolated territory, so I can't travel and visit like I used to, so Facebook fills a real void for me.
I certainly agree with this. My core group of BFF are people I met in my hometown of Ottawa, through my 20s and 30s, and since moving away, it's an easy way to keep tabs on friends still there and those who also moved away elsewhere. Most of those friends have nothing to do with school or work - my core group have much more to do with hobbies/interests. We also shared similar outlooks on life, including political perspectives.
What is odd is that in all the years that I did volunteer on various NDP campaigns, the friendships I made were very situational and did not last - not even on facebook where I have connected with people I knew from high school or past employment. Often it was a very different set of volunteers depending on whether it was a municipal, provincial or federal campaign.
In general, I've never been one for long phone conversations. I prefer face to face time and I usually like easing into it through social activity in order to give myself time to aclimatize myself after a long absence. I'm always amazed with how fast you get back to that space of comfort and intimacy, especially when the absence has been very long. I do feel guilt about not keeping more regular DIRECT communications with close friends. I put it down to laziness or sadness about being so far out of the loop or a combination of both.
What Boom Boom and laine said.
I'd say that's been my experience as well.
My roster of friends has been eroded over the years by moves, marriages and kids, political and religious differences, and income disparities.
Then again, all of my lapsed and failed friendships have one common denominator.
I moved to Montreal from Toronto at about 20, never really returned, but maintain quite a network of friends in TO, through summer camp alumni and professional colleagues over the years;
but it takes work -- I call and network and meet people for coffee, despite it being a rush sometimes through Toronto, and having to consciously leave some people out because there is just no time;
one thing: some obvious networks -- high school, college, first jobs -- may leave no trace;
I recently had a long-time high school reunion, and while I was happy to see some people again, and one woman made the welcome admission that she had a crush on me back then, really, the BFF types are the ones I have ALWAYS been in touch with, a relative handful, anyway; the others, i brushed past in the hallways between class, no more lasting than that ....
If I had friends who'd bring me food and other goodies when I'm sick, I'd be sick more often!
Just kidding.
a final word about Facebook:
the old friends who have resurfaced there seem to be much more often acquaintances than real buddies; few if any great gasp! moments of rediscovery ...
and from the Times article at the top of this thread:
As external conditions change, it becomes tougher to meet the three conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other, said Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology and gerontology at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. This is why so many people meet their lifelong friends in college, she added.
It all sounds kinda hetero-normative to me - although that may be a generational thing. It is "Swag Tuesday" over at Joe.My.God -- might be a chance to win a book, and get a different take on this [and follow the links].
Bagkitty, I have to agree (well, if that's what you're saying) that queer lives take a sort of different trajectory when it comes to friends. I'm in my 30s and still making new friends who are also queer. There is still awkwardness and aloneness in life but they have different qualities than the ones in the NYT article--which, by the way, I still think makes an interesting read ;)