tickling without trauma

This is such a great article.  Thanks for posting!  I hate being tickled, so I've always been wary about playing the "tickle" game with my kid.  He, however, loved it when he was little.  And I always did that too - wiggled my fingers near him before doing anything.  He'd giggle when the fingers were still wiggling - it was so funny. If he said "No, no!" at this point, then I'd say, "Okay," and stop.  And invariably, he'd immediately say, "Tickle me!"  So often, that it became an adorable catchphrase, one I can still hear in my mind now!

And when I tickled, I would do it in very short bursts and wait for him to catch his breath, and usually waited for him to say, "Tickle me!" again before continuing.  I also found that the wiggling fingers near him got as cute a response as anything else.  It was so funny to hear him say "tickle me!" that it was worth it to stop regularly just to hear it again!  But the main thing was that I wanted to make sure it was okay, since I know how much I hate being tickled myself.

The interesting thing is that we established a rule over time, that I didn't like being tickled, so I didn't get tickled.  He, of course, would sometimes like to tickle me back, and I would tolerate it for a few seconds, but then tell him, "Okay, enough."  At first, he would be like, "But you tickled me!"  And I would say, "Yes, but you like being tickled, so I tickled you.  I don't like being tickled, so I don't want to be.  If you don't want me to tickle you, I won't tickle you either."  And it's worked out beautifully that way.

BTW, one thing she mentions is having a safe word.  I never had a "safe word" in the sense she writes about.  I always stopped immediately when he said, "No!" or "Stop!"  (And even when he didn't say that, I'd still stop every few seconds to make sure he still wanted to continue.)  Whether "No!" means "I don't want to do this at all anymore" or simply, "I want to catch my breath and then continue," I would stop immediately and wait to see whether he would say, "Tickle me!" again. Although we didn't talk about it explicitly (because I was more doing this instinctually than thinking it through myself), I think it likely taught him that I would never do anything to his body without his permission, and that he could give permission and take it away and give permission again anytime he wanted to.  In other words, you're allowed to change your mind, even in the middle of something, even if you gave your permission just moments before.

Thanks for this article, F55!