Alberta Diary

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David Climenhaga, author of the Alberta Diary blog, is a journalist, author, journalism teacher, poet and trade union communicator who has worked in senior writing and editing positions with the Toronto Globe and Mail and the Calgary Herald. His 1995 book, A Poke in the Public Eye, explores the relationships among Canadian journalists, public relations people and politicians. He left journalism after the strike at the Calgary Herald in 1999 and 2000 to work for the trade union movement. Alberta Diary focuses on Alberta politics and social issues.

Today's weather: Blue skies, and a seasonally adjusted temperature of Fahrenheit 78, not 451

| April 18, 2013

And now the weather forecast from Environm… I mean from the Harper Government of Canada…

Good mooooorning Edmonton!

It's going to be another beautiful day today -- and I mean beautiful -- with clear, Tory-blue skies and beautiful warm temperatures.

Pack up your winter coats, people! Just put ’em away! Because just like yesterday and the day before and the day before that, the seasonally adjusted temperature is a beautiful 78 degrees Fahrenheit!

And don't worry, because this is a Conservative forecast, if you take my meaning!

Thank your lucky blue stars, Edmontonians, because none of this would have been possible without the government of our beautif… I mean, wonderful, Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, the Genius of the Laurentians! And his beautiful wife, of course.

Do you remember back when always used to be freezing this time of year?

Well, that never happens in Edmonton any more because your Harper Government of Canada doesn't waste time and money collecting useless statistics and making dumb old forecasts that never turn our right anyway, and what's more only used to remind you how the weather always used to be crappy this time of year!

And let’s not hear any of that trash talk about global warming because there is no such thing as global warming. Just try to find a statistic that supports it!

Where was I? Oh yeah, depressing Edmonton forecasts… Well, you can forget about them! You can leave your gumboots and cheap padded cotton jackets at home because it’s going to be a beautiful, glorious, warm spring day today -- like we said, 78 degrees under the Great Big F, and no more of that Frenchiefied metric stuff either, seasonally adjusted.

The seasonally adjusted skies will be sunny and your seasonally adjusted mood will be upbeat and your seasonally adjusted inclination will be to vote for the Harper Team, every member of which is a normal person with a blue tie and nice cufflinks who would never, never do stripteases, on camera or off, and none of whom would even think of having anything wrong with their livers! People you can trust!

Sunny skies are great, people, because not only will you never need a coat again -- which is a good thing, because your salary is going to have to go down like the temperatures used to go drop this time of year just to stay in line with what we're paying the temporary foreign workers -- but they're needed so Laurie Hawn can fly his beautiful new radar-evading Royal Conservative Air Force (RCAF) F-35 back to Ottawa, where the sun is also shining and the seasonally adjusted temperature is also 78.

Instead of wasting money on boring old statistics -- I mean, c'mon, people, who reads statistics? -- we’ve put some of that money to work to build you a new Enviro… I mean, Harper Government of Canada weather website to serve you better!

And your weather website is blue, blue, blue -- just like the beautiful skies over Edmonton tomorrow and every tomorrow ever after and just like our Maximum Prime Minister's signs in the next election, speaking of which, don't be surprised when the new automatic voting machines we'll be putting in your polling place the year after next automatically correct your vote if you accidentally vote for a striptease artiste or a really, really angry old guy with a scraggly beard!

There are also lots of links to websites with good info on the many great ways Prime Minister Harper, the North Saskatchewan of Thought, is saving you money by painting the town blue. No more stupid long-form censuses, that's for sure, just for starters.

Tomorrow's forecast? More of the same! Sunshine, glorious Tory blue skies, just like the beautiful banner on our new weather website, and no need to bother with a coat ever again! And 78 degrees! Heck, if we're lucky it might get up to 78! Or even 78!

If that's not what the page shows right now, don't trouble your pretty little heads about it. Our technicians will be working on just as soon as they can get to it.

Turning to this morning’s traffic, it's smooth sailing through the streets of Edmonton again today. And I've got to say, people, our roads here are as smooth as a billiard table -- if any of you can remember what a billiard table was -- and there's not a pothole in sight.

If the axel on your car broke, you're obviously not maintaining it properly and you don't deserve it anyway.

If you want information on your low taxes, which just keep getting lower and lower, especially if you drill a lot for oil, well, turn to the Revenue Canada web page, which is also blue -- but never in a bad way!

And people, you can't trust anything you read on a website that is not coloured blue. This is important to remember. If you accidentally open a website that is not blue, turn your computer off immediately and dial 1-800-TORYBLU. Our technicians will help you reset it.

Well, that's enough of that. If there's anything you can say about the Harper Government of Canada ™ it's that there's absolutely nothing subtle about them! This post also appears on David Climenhaga's blog, Alberta Diary.

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Comments

At least mine here (Montréal) is still showing up in Celsius, though the tool to change it over to English measurements seems more prominently displayed than before.

78 C would be very hot indeed!

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