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Between now and the fall election, a crucial part of the Conservatives’ strategy will be convincing voters they are working to keep them safe from terrorism while also convincing them they’re in more danger from terrorism than ever. So basically saying the’’re ineffective against terrorism, but it’s a strong, stable ineffectiveness.

As part of this strategy, Foreign Affairs was ordered to produce three terrorism-related statements for minister Rob Nicholson to make to the media each week. But those guys are busy being ineffective so I’m going to provide them with five pre-written statements about terrorism, on the house.

1. Canadians are much more likely to be struck by lightning than killed in a terrorist attack. Though that doesn’t count terrorists who hijack lightning bolts.

2. A recent Pew poll showed that citizens in Turkey, a country that borders Syria and suffered direct attacks by ISIS, ranks climate change as a bigger threat than ISIS. Unlike Canada, which benefits from unrestricted access to Wolf Blitzer.    

3. In the Western media, Muslim violence against Western soldiers is often called terrorism while non-Muslim violence against civilians is almost never called terrorism. So when groups like ISIS want to convince their followers that the so-called war on terrorism is actually a war on Muslims, we’ve started them on third base.   

4. Political scientist Robert Pape’s extensive research showed that nearly all suicide terrorism is rooted in a desire for national self-determination and an end to military occupation, rather than religion. However, he did not consult Wolf Blitzer. 

5. CIA director John Brennan recently admitted that foreign policy can cause terrorism, which is worth considering the next time our government portrays terrorists as unthinking killbots who understand nothing but murder.

So there you go, Minister Nicholson, I hope that will help lighten your load… of shameless fear-mongering. 

This video appeared originally in The Toronto Star.

Scott Vrooman

Scott has written and performed comedy for TV (Conan, Picnicface, This Hour Has 22 Minutes), radio (This is That), and the web (Vice, Funny or Die, College Humor, The Toronto Star, The Huffington Post,...