This isn't how I want to start my morning.

I’m hungry. And I don’t blame veganism, I blame rabble’s vegan challenge.

See, I don’t actually mind giving up meat. I very rarely cook it at home because 1) I like tofu and meat substitutes, 2) I don’t like the idea of buying meat from the grocery store — both because of how the animals who become grocery store meat are treated and because of what is in that meat, and 3) Often I can’t afford to buy meat.

I make a lot of vegetarian meals at home and even vegan ones sometimes (I eat a lot of tofu and vegetables), and though certainly I’d like to bring more vegan meals into my repertoire, I want to do it at my own pace (call me controlling). Beyond that, the truth is that, while I support the idea of veganism, I don’t think the puritanism around it is necessary — it just isn’t realistic for me (and I don’t actually think it’s necessarily the most ethical or healthy choice for all people.)

A couple of weeks ago I decided, unrelated to the vegan challenge, to cut down on dairy, processed/bar food, sugar, white bread, and meat. I’ve been sick more than usual this year and that, tied to some stabby stomach pains led me to try to make some changes.

I borrowed my sister’s juicer (juicers are, like, a bazillion dollars for some reason) and tried to switch from cheesy bread foods (my favorite food group is the cheesy bread food group) to more protein, fruits and vegetables, and yogurt (probiotics are a good thing, I’m sure Martha Stewart would say).

So I feel like I’m doing pretty good here, like some kind of responsible grownup that eats more than mac and cheese or popcorn for dinner, and along comes the vegan challenge to mess with my game.

What happens every year the vegan challenge rolls around is that I get all these great ideas for new recipes I want to try (I’ve been looking for an excuse to make some vegan cheese, for real) and then when vegan challenge week shows up I realize that I can’t afford to go buy a bunch of new vegan groceries, nor do I have time to make the vegan cauliflower pizza crust or cashew cheese spread I’d been dreaming about. Then I feel like a failure and get resentful and whiny. Also hungry.

I have eggs and cheese sitting at home in my fridge that I couldn’t eat today. They were sold out of vegan muffins at Bean Around the World. I just ate a granola bar that might have been vegan except turns out it contains whey. On Tuesday I ate chicken wings at the bar because on Tuesdays at The Five Point chicken wings are 50 cents each and everything else on the menu is like, $13 (50 CENTS EACH, YOU GUYS. That means I can eat SIX CHICKEN WINGS for THREE DOLLARS).

I am in full support of giving up (or trying to cut way back on, at least) factory farmed meat and dairy products. But I don’t think the vegan challenge is the way to do it. I’m not a cold turkey (punny!) kind of girl. When I quit smoking (back when I was 21 — impressively I’d managed to be a smoker for seven years by that time), I did it gradually, over at least a year. I made little rules for myself. First I stopped smoking at the bus stop, then I stopped smoking on my breaks, then I made a no-smoking during the day rule, and so on and so forth. Eventually I was smoking so rarely (cigarettes and beer were the last to go — that was a tough one), that cigarettes started to gross me out and I quit entirely.

I would prefer to work more and more vegan alternatives and meals into my diet, gradually, when I have time and can afford the groceries, then try to suddenly change everything up in one week, end up starving at work because I can’t eat the yogurt, eggs, and cheese I already have in my fridge and didn’t have time and/or couldn’t afford to spend $12 on a fancy vegan salad.

Pre-vegan challenge I was feeling pretty stoked about my juicing/yogurt/eggs/tofu and vegetables diet. And, if I’m going to be completely honest, there are some things I really don’t want to cut out…. Cream in my coffee is one of those things. And yes, I know there are alternatives, I’ve tried them all. If you don’t mind mildly sweet things in your coffee (but can we all agree that sweet anything in your coffee is wrong and bad?), I would totally recommend the So Delicious Coconut Milk “Creamers” — really, I think you’ll like them. I did also try the unsweetened coconut milk in my coffee (pictured above), but found it tasted pretty similar to the way almond milk, soy milk, or cow milk taste in my coffee: gross. Mornings are bad enough already, you guys. I want to put cream in my coffee. As soon as someone invents a substitute that is comparable to Creamo, I promise I will switch.

So far I haven’t cheated on the cheese front and I’m looking forward to trying a vegan pasta recipe tomorrow night. Right now, though, I’m hungry, I’m grouchy, I have a headache, and there’s cream in my coffee. So the most I’m willing to promise is that I’ll keep on trying.