Sasha: Safety and the sexual fetish

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Dear Sasha,

I have the unfortunate enjoyment of a very painful fetish. I enjoy being kicked/kneed/otherwise struck in the groin by women whom I find attractive. I don't mean CBT, with its overly gentle flicks and pokes. I mean doubled over or down on my knees and/or making funny noises because some hot thang let loose on my manhood.

If she does it in the new shoes we picked out together, all the better.

My problems are not with my fetish. Closing in on 40, I am old enough to have accepted my enjoyment of the fetish years ago. My problems are with partners' understanding of it. Pro dommes accuse me of topping from the bottom. I'll agree with them on that one, because SM is sexy and all, but I do like to do something while on my knees. Giving head, for example, is nice.

In my experience, prostitutes just get freaked out by the fetish. Strippers seem to love the idea but limit what pleasure I can offer them. My best luck has been with friends and drinking companions who are angry with their lovers or have a mean streak. That last one is fine when I can get it, but I would like to work the fetish into a sexual relationship that does not charge by the hour.

Can you think of any way to broach the subject with an otherwise normal person?

Meanwhile, any columnist I can find who writes about testicle abuse always highlights the importance of not striking for safety and health reasons. Given my own experience to date and that of like-fetished individuals on the web, sexual enjoyment is less than complete without the oomph.

I would rather not do penetration or oral than do either without a straight-up kick to the balls. The rest of BDSM play is all window dressing around the moments leading up to and following the strike.

Yes, it does hurt as much as you would think. It can hurt a lot. However, it can and does hurt in a good way. Have you read or heard anything about the limits to testicular trauma? Given how hard a couple of strippers (if you accept that title) and drunken ex-girlfriends have cut loose, I can take it pretty damn hard.

Kicked by Girl in Expensive Shoes

If you want an unbiased, expansive and frankly fascinating view on testicular injury due to trauma, look at this piece on Medscape. In fact, let's all read it together and collectively howl and writhe about when we get to this paragraph: "Degloving injuries (or avulsion injuries) are less common. With these, scrotal skin is sheared off, for example, when a testicle becomes trapped in heavy machinery."

Bottom line, Kicked, you can really fuck up your nuts doing this. But they're your nuts. I may have rendered myself infertile by pulling a feather boa out of my vagina repeatedly to amuse people, so I am not in any position to judge. Just make sure you read the Medscape piece, and be aware of signs that you may have to get yourself to emergency with a "rugby injury."

"In response to how to broach it," says fellow sex columnist and ball owner Cory Silverberg, "first I'd remind him, none of his partners are ‘otherwise normal.' We've all got unique sexual desires, but some of us are able to make them happen more often than others. By calling his partner ‘normal,' he's setting himself up as abnormal; not true, and probably not a turn-on for potential partners either."

You've probably already got a profile up on FetLife, but if you don't, have a look at the site and see if it or anyone on it suits your needs.

"I think he has to figure out if this is a deal breaker for a relationship for him," says Silverberg. "Does he need to have this kind of sex with a partner? If so, he'll have to start finding a way to bring it up relatively early, but not too early, in dating. It's not easy the first few times, but he might consider it a great weeder for potential partners who are too judgmental. After all, if someone responds with ‘Ew, that's gross,' chances are she won't be a very good match for this guy in the long run."

Lez play a game

Dear Sasha,

I consider myself a lesbian-leaning bisexual, dominant switch. I love all sorts of women and men, but if there is one type that absolutely drives me wild, it's female-identified cross-dressing straight men. I know that's not exactly lesbian, but the thought of pushing a woman up against a wall, reaching into her panties and finding a cock.... Oh, the places we could go! The games we could play! Where can I find guys like this?

Gertrude

Being bisexual isn't exactly lesbian either, Gertrude, so you might as well just rip the label off and join the fray.

From experience, I can tell you that the best place in Toronto to find cross-dressing straight men is at Goodhandy's. And if you're interested specifically in those who identify as female, you might try posting an ad on good old Craigslist citing your specifics, and then screen candidates. Any way you proceed, Goodhandy's is a welcoming venue in which to meet up.

Owners Todd and Mandy are dealing with a lot of controversy around their decision to take the position of grand marshals of Pride this year after Dr. Alan Li declined, protesting Pride's censorship of Queers Against Israeli Apartheid. I'll admit I was one person strongly discouraging them from accepting this honour, and I wish they'd rescinded, but I still offer them luck leading the parade.

I can't think of better people to send off this ignoble time in Pride Toronto's history than these two pariahs, and I appreciate the message they're advancing: the decriminalization of sex work. Homos, too, have fought for centuries to abolish criminal penalties around the most basic of their life choices. How totally fucking crappy that the very event our defiant forequeers created to expose these injustices is now perpetrating them against us.

Ask Sasha:

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