“You’re stupid.”

“No, you’re stupid.”

“No, I’m not stupid, you’re stupid.”

This is a typical exchange on the popular kids’ program SpongeBob SquarePants between SpongeBob and his best friend, Patrick. There is not one place I know, where this dialogue would be acceptable between children.

Yet such language is typical in television programs targeted at children over five.

In past generations, teaching values and virtues to children only required parents to set a good example. This is not the case today. With the strong influence of popular culture, more is demanded of parents in order to instill the values they hold dear and the virtues they admire.

Now, bad behaviour is not a black community problem. Perhaps, however, the best way to counter these messages and to instill treasured values in our children is from a culturally centred perspective.

This is the viewpoint of Dr. Kerby T. Alvy, author of Black Parenting: Strategies for Training, the foundation for the Effective Black Parenting Program (EBPP) administered by the Centre for the Improvement of Child Caring (CICC) throughout the United States.

The first parenting program to teach basic parenting skills from the history and perspective of the African culture, EBPP is a 14-session foray into numerous aspects of parenting.

At its core, the program teaches how to parent children from a perspective grounded in African history and based on African culture. Self love, self-discipline, effective communication, modern discipline techniques, and community responsibility are only a few of the areas covered in this program.

The program begins by addressing what is thought of as “traditional Black discipline” and what the program promotes as “modern Black self-discipline.”

The traditional stream considers discipline “in terms of punishment, spanking and whipping,” while the modern stream considers discipline “in terms of love, understanding, talking, patience, [and] consistency.”

It is explained that in pre-slavery Africa, “Children received special respect, and parents were not oriented toward harsh disciplinary methods like hitting and spanking.” Only after the onset of slavery did harsh punitive punishment creep into the parenting technique of people from the African Diaspora. “Slaves were beaten in front of others as a means of gaining submission and obedience.” This behaviour was normalized and passed down through the generations.

The program seeks to counter this normalcy and advocates for a cultural shift in our thinking and approach to discipline — a cultural shift away from the traditional harsh punitive approach, which has its roots in slavery, and towards the modern self-disciplined approach, based on time-honoured African tradition.

In what must be considered a truly ironic twist, returning to the parenting methods of our ancestors is considered “modern.”

“Appeal to their minds, not their behinds,” is the African proverb the modern self-discipline method is based on. Once parents in the EBPP program accept this approach to parenting, the program quickly moves into how to establish family rules and morals.

“The family rules are guidelines and standards for behaviourâe¦they let children know which behaviours are respectful and which are not.”

Using the family rules also:

  • Lets children know the best times to behave in respectful ways.
  • Helps children know what is expected of them.
  • Helps organize family life.
  • Lets children know they are trustworthy and that they are growing up.
  • Fosters a sense of family togetherness.

Now that we know the rules, what about the values? For each family, specific family values will be different, but each family must:

  • Recognize the importance of the parent. Parents are their children’s models. Their values will be passed on.
  • Identify your family values and clearly communicate those values to your child.
  • Reinforce family values with a positive and negative reward system.

A movement is afoot in the United States to keep Black families together and to provide the tools, information, networks and support systems they need to stay strong.

Culturally appropriate parenting programs also exist in Canada. The Brighter Future initiative is one such program. Funded by the federal government, the Brighter Future program is targeted at Canada’s First Nations and Inuit communities. Based on many of the same principles as the Effective Black Parenting Program, the goal of the Brighter Future program is to provide a “culturally sensitive” approach to the issues that affect Canada’s First Nation and Inuit communities, including parenting.

Lori Gardiner, program coordinator of the Brighter Future program in Port Alberni, British Columbia states, “I could go on for days on the positive outcomes for culturally centred parenting. People make an effort to contact the program for various reasons. They know their concerns will be handled by people sensitive to [their] issues. Boundaries are quickly overcome.”

As to the potential to extend culturally centred parenting to other minority groups, Lori notes, “It is well worth looking into for any minority population.”

Perhaps it is time the Black Canadian community takes a closer look at culturally-centred parenting.

Minister Don Meredith, of the Greater Toronto Area Christian Alliance, agrees. “As responsible adults, we need to rebuild our community with children as the focal point. Today we have youths who lack respect for themselves, authority figures and others. There is chaos in our community. We must teach our youth that there are rules, there are values, and there is a proper way to conduct themselves in society. We must ensure our youth know there are consequences to breaking those rules.”

Today’s children are internet babies, wired with laptops, PCs, and all manners of hand-held hardware. The vast number of distractions, temptations and obstacles require that as parents and as a community we arm our children with strong and clearly articulated family and community values.

Ironically, in order for us to move forward, we may have to look backwards — backwards at the traditions and customs of our ancestors, who more than 400 years ago, had it right.

If we do that, and apply the principles of culturally centred parenting, perhaps the next time we ask our children to do something, instead of “yeah” we may get a “yes ma’am.”

Tricia Hylton

Tricia Hylton is a freelance writer living in Toronto, Ontario. Through her writing, Tricia hopes to provide insights to create conversation and understanding on the impact of Canada’s social, economic...