How to handle the obnoxious right-winger in your extended family

I like Ms. C's remark about allies in the immediate family. Perhaps more could be said about this. If racist and sexist jokes are bothering you, then they're probably bothering someone else. And objections voiced by a number of people, to the point of social shunning if necessary, can work wonders. More about this later.

Ms. C, however, missed one sort of behavior that ought to be mentioned. Let's call this "the needler". [i]The needler[/i] knows that, more than other people, [i]you[/i] object to these kind of offensive remarks and are likely to stand up to them. However, the [i]needler[/i] considers the effect on you, of such remarks, as entertainment. The [i]needler[/i] is as much an asshole as a racist or sexist bigot. The needler is amused by causing distress/aggravation to others and seeing how they react to that distress.

To deal with the [i]needler[/i], it's sometimes necessary to adopt the [i]needler's[/i] own approach. What do I mean? Here's an example:

The needler: [i]some racist joke[/i]. Haw haw.
You: Gosh, needler, that's brilliant. Did you hear the one about the racist?
The needler: (knowing he's about to be ambushed) Huh?
You: Yea, OK, so what's the difference between a racist and a bucket of shit? (brief pause and big smile from you) THE BUCKET! (loud laughter from you). Damn! That's funny. OK. Your turn ...

(Warning: it is not a good idea to try this approach in the needler's own home. Best is a "neutral" location. It's also a good idea to be ready for a violent confrontation. [i]You have the jump, however, since you know what's coming.[/i] The needler, however, is often so stunned at having the tables turned on him that he just stands there and hisses like a snake.)

Needless to say, there won't be any pleasant conversations with the needler after this. In fact, if you've succeeded, there won't be any conversations with the needler at all. And that's just what you want. Well done! You've just given the needler a lesson in needling. Now go watch an episode of [i]House.[/i] [img]biggrin.gif" border="0[/img]

In the first paragraph I mentioned the importance of allies. Despite the remarks here about novel ways of provoking dealing with the needler, I think allies are crucial. Ask yourself who else would be offended by some objectionable remarks and think of how you can bring them into the conversation. Sometimes all it takes is exposing the objectionable remarks to someone whose opinion and views the right winger respects or is obliged to respect. When there's more of you, these sorts of problems are more easily solved. No jokes about buckets required.

[ 15 March 2008: Message edited by: N.Beltov ]

Choosing this moment to tell a third party a little-know scientific fact or a cryptic saying from another culture - preferably about the animal world - is another strategy, leaving the needler with the uncomfortable impression that everyone but him sees the connection.

We don't have many right-wingers in my family. The few hard righties in my family and in-laws are becoming older and greyer each year. And the younger ones who do have political opinions don't realize they do and are typically middle of the roaders and quiet Liberals. They needle me the odd time. Not for very long though.