Jokes'more

For what it's worth, I didn't make the connection to the helicopter ditch either. It reminded me of this joke from Scotland, who have much in common with the maritimers when it comes to bearing wet weather.

An English engineer got a new job in the Hebrides. When the ferry boat arrived in Stornoway, the weather was cold, wet and windy. The bad weather followed the engineer all the way to his new home, and it was still raining when he went to bed that evening. When he awoke the next morning to start his new job, the wind nor the rain had not stopped. The day after was the same, and the day after that. Finally, when after a week the cold and wet weather hadn't ceased, in exasperation he asked a small boy he passed on the way to his job, 'Tell me, does the weather ever get any better here?'

The boy replied 'I don't know, I'm only six.'

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,  

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 .Then You Are  Probably  The Family Dog!    

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
 toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept 
in.

 As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've 
got
 to make love to me this very moment!"

 My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
 to be my lucky day!"

 Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
 right there on the kitchen table.

 Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt 
still
 around her neck.

 Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

 She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

rofl

ewwwww!

IT IS HELL GETTING OLD!

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said to him, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.’
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.’

In the beginning, God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How're things, Eve?" He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . How are you getting there?"
 
 "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
 
 "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  Where are you staying in Rome ?"
 
 "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
 
 "Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump"
 
 "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
 
 "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people are trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
 
 A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
 
 "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
 The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
   
 "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
 
 "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
 
 "Oh, really!  What'd he say?"
 
 He said, "Who fucked up your hair?" 
 

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

Q: What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?

A: Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

An Englishman flies into Boston one evening, planning on attending a business meeting the next day at his hotel.  With time on his hands, he remembers reading about a restaurant that serves a maritime dish, named scrawd.  But he cannot recall the name of the restaurant.

Flagging a cab, he immediately asks the driver where he could get it. To which the cabby replies, "Mack, I've been driving this area for 35 years, but yours is the first time I've heard it expressed in the pluperfect subjunctive ".

If anyone has some paint I'll freshen up my new boat and we'll all for a cruise up Indian Arm. 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2012/03/23/bc-fishi...

HeywoodFloyd wrote:

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!!

I miss Heywood, N. Beltov, and others in this thread. This thread reminded me how much I miss them.