Alternative relationships

I was in a threesome for a while. It was trusting enough, and pretty much fulfilled all of our needs. But it was a lot of work. Too much for me eventually. And in dropping out and leaving them to be a couple- which they were OK with, I left the area, and probably had to.

I've yet to know couples that break away from monogamy openly, and find that it works for them such that they don't end either the primary relationship or the extracurriculars.

I thik that what probably works best in practice for most people, is monogamy, possibly with very occassional and short exceptions. And if the mongamous relationship doesnt work or stops working, you move on. But I suspect even thats just another ideal that in practice is no more attainable than the rest of the options. Because a very high proportion of people get stuck in a rut and dont move on anyway.

[Ruts of course have degrees themselves. Even ruts that dont hurt like yours must have are not great. But sometimes you can get out of the rut. At least out enough that you dont wonder all the time if this is doing anybody any good. But when you know you are in a rut, whats reasonable hope or expectation that you can get out or leave, and whats probaly going to end up being travelling along in the rut for god knows how long, too much of your life? And who knows that difference?]

Even with rules in an open relationship, and adaptability to adjusting to them, I would think you can never get away from the fear that one of you is going to unintentionally get into another relationship that pulls too hard and wont be left behind. Even if that happens to me, what will I feel about the cross-currents? And how am I going to feel if I'm not the primary relationship amy more? And what are the practicalities [especially, but not limited to kids]?

I really doubt thats the same as you dont really know how long any monogamous relationship will last either. [And that if you have kids together, you still dont really know.]

A Million First Dates

The positive aspects of online dating are clear: the Internet makes it easier for single people to meet other single people with whom they might be compatible, raising the bar for what they consider a good relationship. But what if online dating makes it too easy to meet someone new? What if it raises the bar for a good relationship too high? What if the prospect of finding an ever-more-compatible mate with the click of a mouse means a future of relationship instability, in which we keep chasing the elusive rabbit around the dating track?

Of course, no one knows exactly how many partnerships are undermined by the allure of the Internet dating pool. But most of the online-dating-company executives I interviewed while writing my new book, Love in the Time of Algorithms, agreed with what research appears to suggest: the rise of online dating will mean an overall decrease in commitment.

“The future will see better relationships but more divorce,” predicts Dan Winchester, the founder of a free dating site based in the U.K. “The older you get as a man, the more experienced you get. You know what to do with women, how to treat them and talk to them. Add to that the effect of online dating.” He continued, “I often wonder whether matching you up with great people is getting so efficient, and the process so enjoyable, that marriage will become obsolete.”

“Historically,” says Greg Blatt, the CEO of Match.com’s parent company, “relationships have been billed as ‘hard’ because, historically, commitment has been the goal. You could say online dating is simply changing people’s ideas about whether commitment itself is a life value.” Mate scarcity also plays an important role in people’s relationship decisions. “Look, if I lived in Iowa, I’d be married with four children by now,” says Blatt, a 40‑something bachelor in Manhattan. “That’s just how it is.”

Horny men, desperate women, and hookup culture

Hookup culture isn’t necessarily ‘good’ for women, as JA Martino discussed in a post back in September, but neither is marriage necessarily ‘good’ for women. Marriage happens to be a place where women end up doing all sorts of free labour in the home, raising babies and doing an unequal amount of housework, and is also a place where domestic abuse happens. If women are marrying later in life (or not marrying at all), maybe that’s actually a good thing.

If we put aside the assumption that marriage is either a ‘good’ thing or something we necessarily want in life (which we most certainly should do), then what is the big fear? That women will end up alone? Which happens anyway? When half of us get divorced in our 40s?

Meh. Find something else to worry about, Wente. The less women are inclined to build their lives around finding a man to marry them, the better. The less women feel they have to depend on a man for their happiness, the less likely we are to end up trapped in unequal or abusive relationships. The less pressure women feel to find a man to marry them before it’s ‘too late’, the less likely they are to settle for someone who may well be a douchebag. And the longer we wait to settle down into monogamy for the long-haul (if we indeed choose to), the more likely it is that we will choose someone we are actually compatible with.

Is feminism incompatible with monogamy? Talking feminism and polyamory [podcast]

Some question whether monogamy is a patriarchal invention that mainly benefits men and functions as a mechanism of control. In response, some people practice non-monogamy as an alternative. But is non-monogamy necessarily 'more' feminist? Is monogamy necessarily contradictory to feminist ideals? Well, it's not as simple as all that.

In this episode, your host, Meghan Murphy speaks with Meg Barker, senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University, a sex and relationship therapist, and the author of Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships about some of the reasons people might enter into non-monogamous relationships as well as some of the challenges they might face. Later on the show we hear from Katie, an undergraduate student in her late twenties, who shares her experiences navigating a non-monogamous relationship as a feminist.

Both of the last two items are by rabble.ca's excellent Feminist Current blogger interim podcast editor, Meghan Murphy

Fucking While Feminist.

Quote:

  . . Here is what’s depressing about dating while feminist. Feminism is what I do with my life, it's how I spend my days, it's my job, it's not just an opinion I have among many other opinions. If I had a hardcore litmus test, the pool of men I could date would be so tiny. And then when you weeded out men who are gay, the men I don't find attractive, the men already in monogamous, committed relationships—really, I would never get laid again.  

Quote:

“Andy,” she said, “I'm going in a few minutes to a place that's about an hour away from here and I probably won't be coming back for quite some time.”

Andy seemed to understand the situation immediately. Miss Goering sat back and waited while he pressed his palms tighter and tighter to his temples. Finally he looked up at her.

“You,” he said, “as a decent human being, cannot do this to me.”

“Well I'm afraid I can, Andy. I have my own star to follow, you know.”

“But do you know,” said Andy, 'how beautiful and delicate a man's heart is when he is happy for the first time? It is like the thin ice that has imprisoned those beautiful young plants that are released when the ice thaws.”

“You have read that in some poem,” said Miss Goering.

... “If you refuse,” said Andy, “I'll disgrace you, I'll crawl out into the street. I'll put you to shame.”

“I really have no sense of shame,” said Miss Goering, “and I think your own sense of shame is terribly exaggerated, besides being a terrific sap on your energies. Now I must go, Andy. Please get up.”

... "Lunatic!" Andy yelled at her from his knees. "You're not even a Christian!"

from Two Serious Ladies, Jane Bowles 1943

I thought a brief selection from that very funny book might be a propos.

Matters of trust, respect and committment are completely distinct from how and with whom you feel comfortable in a relationship.

Aside from the fact that there is no one type of relationship that is going to work perfectly for everyone in every situation, I don't think we can even know what is right for ourselves until we run into it, because it really is more to do with the person/s, isn't it.

Of course for many/most of us that's going to be monogamy, or some form of it. And of course when you have children there is an entirely different level of committment.

But I think there is a lot of damage done in this world by people thinking they have to fit themselves into a certain box, suppress who they are, and more importantly, be afraid to be upfront and honest about that. All that comes from that is secrets and broken trusts and frustration.

Not to say that one doesn't need to work and compromise in a relationship, but part of that is being honest with yourself and others. 

It is. There's equally great stuff in that scene that I left out. It's a hilarious book. It is unfortunate that she didn't publish as much as her husband did.

As it happens, their relationship was one that some would consider alternative.

I'd say "mating for life" now counts as an alternative relationship, since contemporary committed relationships - poly or otherwise - are so transitory. Certainly the relative ease of divorce, the more varied socially acceptable forms of committed relationships and the fact that we live longer are contributing factors, which leads me to believe that most of us aren't adapted to life-long single partner monogamy.