THE OFFICE OF THE MAYOR OF TORONTO
October 24, 2013
To whomever I may be of concern,
The purpose of this letter is to provide a character reference for Mr. Senator Michael "Mike" Duffy. Since our family is in the labeling business I feel uniquely qualified to label people.
I have known Mr. Duffy since 1988 when he went to work for a conservative broadcaster and became a regular television guest in our home. I remember my dad frequently pointing at the TV when it was on and calling him a "straight shooter." It has since come to my attention that "straight shooter" is also a term of endearment for a common crack pipe but I cannot believe that was my dad’s intent.
I remember Mr. Duffy as an exemplary member of the CTV news team, where he often displayed exceptional leadership skills by not walking face-first into a camera. I know for a fact how challenging this can be.
Ever since he was appointed a Senator from Prince Edward Island, he accordingly has remained as far from Prince Edward Island as possible. I also believe no one has done more than Mr. Duffy for troubled and at-risk Senators. Without his mentorship there’s no telling where Patrick Brazeau would have wound up. Myself, I could see Mr. Brazeau as an assistant coach of the Don Bosco Eagles.
As my brother Doug has said, "You can’t teach loyalty," and Mike Duffy is a shining example. During his time in the Senate he has remained faithful to bedrock conservative values like "not in my backyard" and "I’ve got mine, Jack." He has also demonstrated to myself that he has a great work ethic by never being photographed by Giorgio Mammoliti sleeping on the job, and should The Toronto Star ever publish a photograph alleging the contrary you can rest assured it’s just another typical Star smear job.
Mike Duffy has always shown tact and diplomacy and conducted himself in a courteous and polite manner, like when he interviewed Libtard Stephane Dion. I don’t know how he kept from yelling in his idiot face to talk normal. Should Mr. Duffy ever seek a career in this mayor’s office I would consider it an honour to not throw him under my bus.
As regards Nigel Wright, I cannot comment on a $90,000 cheque I have not seen and does not exist. I do know that if Mr. Duffy ever has a problem collecting something that belongs to him my door is always open. I know people.
I believe some people deserve a second chance. A few people -- I call them "my kind of people" --deserve many more. Mr. Duffy is my kind of people. We are both salt of the earth types, and if the worst that can be said about us is we overdo the salt from time to time, then so be it. He’s the kind of guy you wouldn’t hesitate to take a fridge magnet from, if he was holding.
If you have any questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me directly. I respond to all calls personally within half an hour or your property tax bill is free.
Rob Fucking Ford
The Fucking Mayor
Jeff Wells is a prolific writer and satirist who has yet to be sued (touch wood!)
This satire originally appeard on Riotwire and is reprinted with permission.