Richard Mackin writes to companies with questions, comments and occasional haikus. Sometimes a representative writes back. Sometimes, he gets no reply. Here are a few letters left unanswered.

Boca Burger | Trix | Keebler | Reeses Peanut Butter Cups | General Electric | Biore

Boca Burger

On your packaging you have a stamp-looking thing that says, “You won’t believe it’s meatless!” which is almost impossible to read, being almost the same color as the picture behind it. Since you call your product “The Original Boca Burger Vegan Original” I would think that I COULD believe it was meatless. I mean, that would be the point of buying it, wouldn’t it? If I don’t trust you, why would I want to eat what you give me? Do you really want to instill doubt?

* No Reply! *

Dear Trix,

I wrote you a haiku.

Half rabbit, half man
His life devoid of pleasure
Since Trix is for kids

* No Reply! *

April 26, 2000

Keebler
One Hollow Tree Lane
Elmhurst, Ill 60126

Dear Keebler,

On January 8, you responded to my letter inquiring how cartoon elves playing with cookies can rightfully be considered a “serving suggestion” by thanking me and informing me that my comments have been forwarded to the appropriate personnel.

Who ARE the appropriate personnel?

Have they gotten back to you? Can you give me their names and addresses so I can write directly to them?

* No Reply! *

Dear Reeses Peanut Butter Cups,

I wrote you a haiku …

I know two great tastes,
Hear they go great together:
Peanut Butter Cups!

Please respond.

* No Reply! *

April 19, 2000

Dear General Electric,

I recently came to understand that you “plead guilty to charges of defrauding the federal government of $26.5 million in the sale of military equipment to Israel.”

How does that affect my need for light bulbs?

P.S. If the purpose of your company is to bring good things to life, why do you make military equipment, which brings good things to death?

* No Reply! *

Dear Biore,

Here is Haiku.

Bless you Biore
Facial strip has done the job
Blackheads now transposed

* No Reply! *

From Book of Letters issue number fourteen, published here with permission. Rich Mackin writes: “Feel free to contact me for speaking gigs and shows, events, fundraisers, Bar AND Bat Mitzvahs. I read these things in front of 3,000 political types one day, 200 punks a few later and twenty people in an ice-cream parlor in less than a month. Hooray!“