Dear Ms. Communicate,
When I am chatting with a certain female friend, I tend to treat the opinions she offers as open to discussion. But I have noticed that she - and other female friends - tends to take offense to that. When I try to relate to something she tells me, e.g. "I have issues with money. I feel unable to get enough and yet unwilling to compromise with a certain laziness to get it", with attempts at analyzing whether issues with entitlement around money aren't a common problem among women in this society and maybe reflecting contradictory social pressures, she answers: "No, I am talking about myself, I seek answers in my personal psychology" or, finally, "I feel as though I’m not heard when I speak with you."
It is as if she had volunteered something personal and not open to outside comment, although what she usually says and I comment on, sometimes referring to my own experience, sounds to me like a statement of fact and one hypothesis to explain it. Shouldn't that be open to an alternate view, a leading question or two, possibly some healthy discussion?
How can I steer exchanges toward actual exchange rather than mere polite listening to someone waxing solipsistic? I am ready to eat humble pie, looking at how I - as a typical guy - may not be volunteering enough soul-searching expression of my own.
But my point is that, IMO, my friend isn't doing that much soul- searching. She is rather simply musing aloud about herself in this or that context, with apparently little receptivity to other-than-nodding feedback. A female friend has a similar problem with a few of her woman friends, so maybe it's more than clumsiness or lingering pigheadedness on my part? What they tell me is that those friends don't really want feedback, just a sounding-board. Isn't that a bit harsh?
Please suggest - in your inimitable slice-and-dice fashion - what may be obvious to everyone but me: Can this conversation(alist) be saved?
Martin
It is as if she had volunteered something personal and not open to outside comment, although what she usually says and I comment on, sometimes referring to my own experience, sounds to me like a statement of fact and one hypothesis to explain it. Shouldn't that be open to an alternate view, a leading question or two, possibly some healthy discussion?
How can I steer exchanges toward actual exchange rather than mere polite listening to someone waxing solipsistic? I am ready to eat humble pie, looking at how I - as a typical guy - may not be volunteering enough soul-searching expression of my own.
But my point is that, IMO, my friend isn't doing that much soul- searching. She is rather simply musing aloud about herself in this or that context, with apparently little receptivity to other-than-nodding feedback. A female friend has a similar problem with a few of her woman friends, so maybe it's more than clumsiness or lingering pigheadedness on my part? What they tell me is that those friends don't really want feedback, just a sounding-board. Isn't that a bit harsh?
Please suggest - in your inimitable slice-and-dice fashion - what may be obvious to everyone but me: Can this conversation(alist) be saved?
Martin
Dear Martin,
What you describe is most certainly a communication problem. Some suggestions I have are: asking the friend who’s sharing, what I suppose we can describe as things that have happened to her, her feelings about them, her thoughts and reflections: “Would you like to hear my thoughts on this?” Or “There’s some advice I think you’d find helpful, is now a good time to share that with you?” Or “Would it help you to hear what my experiences have been like?”
Sometimes when friends vent, what they’re looking for is a helpful and supportive ear. I don’t thing that’s harsh at all. In times like this, friends are in a more emotional or struggling headspace, and are not necessarily, in that moment, looking for ”thinking” and “planning” ideas, or even hearing “I struggle with that too”. This is okay!
While listening, make mental notes, ask some questions per my suggestions, and if the friend says, “No I just need you as a friend to listen to me right now”, then do that.
If you are a good friend, which it sounds like you are, I’d further suggest that in a few days or a week’s time, you get back to the person “Remember what you talked to me about the other day? Do you need any advice or suggestions now? I’ve thought of a few things that might be helpful for you.”
Ms. C.
