Dear Ms. Communicate,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years. This past September he's recently returned to school and has made lots of new friends which I’m really happy about.
The problem is one particular friend, let's call her T. A few months ago we invited T and some of his other friends/classmates for a small dinner party. During the course of the evening T made a number of sexist and racist comments, which nobody said anything about, but myself, my boyfriend and a friend of mine noticed. After everyone went home he said "So I guess we won't be inviting T over again" and I agreed.
Since that happened, I now don't like her at all (that night was the first time I met her) and I don't want her in my house. As well as being offensive at times, she takes up a fair bit of emotional space and will say anything that comes into her head, which is often inappropriate. I really don't feel like I can talk to her about this, as she's not my friend, and my boyfriend might stay in touch with her after school is over.
So what's the problem? She is getting invited to our place by mutual friends/classmates who I guess feel like if they are welcome, and T was welcome in the past, then it's fine to include T without asking. The most recent time it happened I actually left the house for the evening. I felt driven away by her, which really pisses me off. I don’t want to have to do this every time she, or someone else, invites her over, but I really get so angry and anxious when she's around and I don't see any other choice. Please help me.
Oh, and in case you're wondering if she's young and doesn't know better, she's in her late 30s and my boyfriend and I are in our 40s.
--Difficulty Socializing
Dear Difficulty Socializing,
Barring that, is there any way your partner could speak with her about what she said, and why it was offensive, and why she needs to not speak that way when she's at his place? He needs to take responsibility for bringing her into your life, given that T is his friend. If he does speak to her, with no effect, then it looks like you might have to be the one to speak to her, and just let her know that offensive talk isn't okay, and that if she says other racist/sexist things in the future that you will call her on it.
