The iocsong.com’s reporter, Jimmy The Cockroach, files exclusive Vancouver Whistler Olympic reports from his hiding place deep within the bowels of VANOC. See more spoof videos poking fun at VANOC at the following address: http://www.iocsong.com
Text of this report:
“This is Jimmy the Cockroach, coming to you live from my hiding place deep within the bowels of VANOC.
I’ve just been told by an unnamed official that VANOC is about to release a totally revamped Transportation Plan that calls for Vancouver citizens to make a number of new sacrifices.
When asked the rationale for the new plan, the official told me, “We’ve got 4,500 shiny new VANOC SUVs driving around out there, sometimes with as many as two occupants, and normal people just aren’t getting out of our way fast enough. We had to do something. After all, we’re VANOC, and unlike everyone else, we’ve got important things to do!”
Among the measures in the new Transportation Plan is a bylaw that requires all pedestrians crossing a street in Greater Vancouver to immediately levitate to a minimum height of twelve feet should they sight any approaching VANOC vehicles, and to remain at that height until the VANOC vehicles have cleared the area. The new law includes school children crossing at a crosswalk and comes with a penalty of 6 months in jail, a $6,000 fine, and confiscation of any red mittens.
When asked about the feasibility of the new bylaw, the VANOC official told me, “Look, we watched Harry Potter in the office last night, so we know it can be done. It’s time for British Columbians to stop whining and do their part. After all, my bonus depends upon it.”
Another measure of the new Transportation Plan immediately closes all restaurants, bars, and shopping centres in Greater Vancouver to all customers except those with ID proving they are official members of the Olympic Family. All other Vancouver residents will be advised to do their drinking and shopping in Seattle until after the Games.
Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the new plan, however, forbids any non-VANOC vehicle from coming to a complete stop, at any time, anywhere, for any reason from now until the end of the Olympics. Any non-VANOC vehicle failing to abide by this no-stop rule, even if discharging passengers, will be considered a top security risk and will immediately be targeted by a special Blackwater Squad on loan from Iraq with orders to – oh, someone’s coming. I gotta go.
This is Jimmy the Cockroach, signing off for OLY and THE FAT CATS from deep within the bowels of VANOC.”
