You’re So Not Almost Ready for a Baby, Even If You Think You Are

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Catchfire Catchfire's picture
You’re So Not Almost Ready for a Baby, Even If You Think You Are

Not even close

[quote]Look, you're not ready to have a baby. Hey-O! Yup. You're probably in your late twenties or early thirties, and you've gotten some shit figured out, and now you're pretty sure you're "almost ready" to have a baby. But a baby is the ultimate, cosmic limit-tester of all ultimate cosmic limits, and no matter what you do to prepare, you will still find yourself thrown for a loop. (Also, experiencing that loop and being able to lord it over others is one of the few best senses of entitlement you'll probably ever get in this lifetime, and I finally now understand why all other parents did this to me, too. Bastards.) But, hey. At least I want to explain it to you.

Ready!? Pshaw! Anyone who thinks they are actually ready to stare this beast directly in the eyes isn't wearing her cervical thinkin' cap. It's like, can you be "ready" for a cyclone? Can you be "ready" for the moon? Can you be "ready" for a dinosaur eating a cupcake?[/quote]

[quote]In fact, if I were selling my own Baby Squad™ Fitness Program for Actual Baby Readiness, it would not involve tickets to Europe, but would come with the following drills/regimen for the entire year prior to conception. (Yes, conception! Yes, a year! Not doing anything fun while already pregnant is not actually all that hard and therefore not true readiness training.):

  • Practice wrestling a large, slippery fish three times a week.
  • Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in jibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.
  • Socialize with friends in 18-second increments.
  • Practice asking for the check, boxing up your food and exiting a restaurant in under sixty seconds — two bites into the meal.
  • Watch 38% of any film or television show; never see the ending or resolution.
  • Read the same three paragraphs of a novel once every two weeks; fall asleep.
  • Shower every three to five days, but only for two minutes.
  • Hire a makeup artist to make you up to look 10 years older. Look at yourself in the mirror, then laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry. Do not go get a drink.
  • Pack two additional bags of random stuff to carry with you every time you leave the house.
  • Stand around a tennis court and catch fly balls with one hand for two hours a day while also preparing a peanut butter sandwich.
  • Practice wrestling aforementioned large, slippery fish, then dress it in seasonally appropriate outfit, including hat and/or jacket. Then go back, remove all clothing, and apply sunscreen. Re-dress fish.
  • Memorize The Cat in the Hat, then repeat every evening between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m.
  • Make 24 hours of baby-crying audio; hit play the moment you take a phone call, fire up your computer, or begin speaking any sentences to another human that contain important or useful information.
  • Imagine a mental written list of your responsibilities for each day, tear it in half, burn one piece, take a (literal) shit on the other one. (Sorry.)[/quote]

I so wasn't ready when our first son was born. We got married and Ms.C. was pregnant within a month. Ten months after being married, barely having got used to being married, I became a parent. I've been playing catchup ever since. Wink

Lard Tunderin Jeezus Lard Tunderin Jeezus's picture

Yeah, let's just leave all the baby-making to those religious fanatics.

That'll work out well.

Catchfire Catchfire's picture

Did you read it, LTJ? It's not a serious piece. If it is, the message isn't: "don't have kids"; it's: "you ain't never gone be ready to have a kid, but hell, why try and stop you."


THey forgot about developing your shellshock reflexes to prepare for being headbutted and elbowed constantly in the face and chest day and night.

Set up a 3000 Hz squeal on your computer to prepare for the tinnitus you will have. 

Oh, and putting one of those footshaking massagers on a trampoline, standing on it in order to prepare your eyes for being able to read once the bundle of joy arrives. Yes.... good luck with that.



Well, I'm a product of religious fanatics. I don't assume that left-wing parents will have left-wing kids any more than I assume that straight parents will have straight kids.

As much as I had always imagined I would like to be a dad some day, I've never felt even remotely ready. So if those who think they're ready [i]aren't[/i], I must be [i]really[/i], [i]really[/i] unready.

Timebandit Timebandit's picture

And you keep on not being ready.  It's a trip to the moon followed by a survey of foreign planets.  I'm currently splitting my time between planet teen and planet tween.  How does a suggestion that taking a bike ride would be a fun activity end in tears?  I'm still not sure, but that's how it goes on Planet Teen. 

"There is no good time to have a baby" is a truism, IMO.  But do it anyway, if you're inclined.  Just remember that you don't know anything even if you think you do - and that tiny person is there to disabuse you of such arrogant notions.  Surprisingly, it'll also be a lot of fun if you can get your head around it all.


My mother has a saying "if you wait until you are ready to have kids, you will never have them"...because you are never truly "ready"

I like to refer to [url= this [/url] article as a reminder when dealing with my one (so far) child, who is a toddler.


That's exactly right - if you wait until you're ready, it'll never happen.

I laughed my way through that whole list. :D