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Love 2.0: Swooping in when the home-team is down

Dear Clay,

I am in my mid twenties, female, a young professional. Currently I am in the midst of a friendship that has taken a bit of a turn. We are both intense creatives who like to push boundaries. We met up for a show one night and ended up dancing together which lunged us into a creative whirlwind of exchange. Prose, songs, poems, late night wine/cigarettes, in depth conversations, you name it. This exchange is still going on but not as intense.

He has been in a committed relationship for many years but has expressed to his girl friend he would like to try open relationships. She was open but later became hesitant. I don’t know many details about their relationship from outsider’s perspective they seem very solid and fit for each other.

They recently had a fallout when we became physical. I left town immediately and haven’t seen him since. I am open to the idea of an open relationship, but I am not convinced he is the person to try this with. I really admire the relationship him and his girl friend shared and can’t help but compare myself to her (which is silly I know).

Now I am a bit at cross roads. Do I push it further, take advantage of this break? Or avoid a possibly sticky situation, withdraw and do my own thing?

Please advise and thank you!!

S

 

Dear S,

Thank you for writing. I seem to hear this problem a lot — do I want an open relationship with this person? How do I know if this is the right time or place to try it out? What if it all ends in tears? And why do I compare myself to the other significant other?

And what a scary thing to happen — you get physical with him and they, the couple, have a falling-out. I can see why you skipped town (even if that was coincidental.)

So do you go back, see where they are at and try again? Do you do your own thing? There are a lot of factors that I don’t know about that will ultimately shape your decision. One thing I do want to pick up on is: taking advantage of their fall-out to push your relationship further. This I would strongly advise against.

Something that most of us have unconsciously picked up from monogamous culture is the belief that closeness is a finite resource. Less for one person means more for another. Like birds competing over the same scraps, we’re taught that stealth and strategy are sometimes just the tools you need to get that love/bread. Swooping in while the other birds aren’t looking? Standard operating procedure.

It may seem like the time to swoop; after all, in the monogamy scene, the only time one can swoop is once the old relationship is over or on its last legs. We’ve been sold on the idea that only one person can truly dwell in one’s heart at one time – once an inhabitant moves out, it’s time to fill the vacancy. But as anyone who loves more than one can tell you, the heart is not a room and more like an apartment block. Regardless of how much he cares for you or whether his long-term relationship is now on the line, his partner will still occupy important emotional and mental space. Saving the relationship is probably high on his list of priorities. Getting closer with you at this time will probably not help him with that goal and I’m sure he’s aware of that.

Touchy-feelings aside, swooping is just bad strategy. Imagine you edge closer to him while he and his partner are on poor terms – poor terms because the two of you got physical. One day soon, they’ll get themselves sorted out. Rather than being the person who she gradually, consensually and communicatively opened up what was her exclusive relationship to, you’re the person who tried to sneak in while things were rocky. This may not endear her to you. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you want your partner’s partners to be very, very endeared to you.

If they do end up breaking up over this, give it some time before attempting a relationship with him. Breakups are those things that leave people aching, pining, angry, saddened, ego-bruised, confused, mistrusting — in waves. Not exactly the foundation for a beautiful and functional partnership.

In the weird world of non-monogamy, I think you’re going to want to wait until he and his long-term love are on good terms again. Perhaps they will have decided against opening up their relationship after all — and that gives you an easy answer. But if they’re back to their awesome, admirable coupledom, and if they are still committed to (gradually, perhaps with further bumps and scrapes ahead) opening up their relationship to you, you will have some ground to lay trust down on upon with the both of them. Everyone needs a little time after a shake-up to re-assess and get grounded again. Jamming yourself into a messy, hurting place will not do you many favors. I’d start rooting for the home team.

Best wishes for the three of you,

Clay