Easy on your junk when you're drunk

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Dear Sasha,

 

I received a brutally rough hand job while drunk this past weekend.

The next day I was extremely sensitive, so much so that it was dreadfully painful to even walk, for each time my boxers touched my tip it was like stinging fire. I am no longer in pain, but the head of my penis is rough and numb, as though calloused. Visually it looks no different, but I can tell it is much, much less sensitive.

While I could see some benefits to this (less frequent masturbation, ability to last longer during sex), I am worried I have forever lost my head's sensitivity. Will its previous sensitivity return? If so, how long might this take?

As a side note, I want to state for the record that the only time I was ever satisfied by a hand job was when I was 15 years old and a girl merely touching me there was enough to make me come. Since then, hand jobs have always been disappointing, and sometimes (like this time) painful. I would advise girls not even to try giving hand jobs. There needs to be some kind of warm, wet orifice; not dry, painful yanking.

Numb and Worried

If you're going to get snot-hanging drunk and let someone you may not have exchanged three lucid words with touch your penis, you're bound to run into the occasional situation. But ultimately, this dick is attached to you and presumably has been for around 25 years. Therefore, it is up to you to tell a person when she or he is brutalizing it. It is not the hand-jobber's fault; no doubt you were lying there like some brain-dead football hooligan and she just wanted you to come already, so she tried to wrench it out of you with all her own snot-hanging drunk might.

Your head is rough and numb because, basically, it got rug burn. We have all woken up feeling like we just rode a horse with a sandpaper saddle and no pants on, and I'm sure you know by now that this damage isn't permanent. Lube, Numb and Worried, lube, lube, lube. Look for creams that are moisturizing as well as lubricating -- for example, the ones at earthsherbal.com/sex. But again, these products work best when you're not intoxicated and unable to gauge pressure and friction, when you can offer coherent instruction.

Dear Sasha

I am a 25-year-old man. I don't know how I got into this thing. It's something I never wanted to do in my life. I am aware of the risks involved, but yesterday I had sex with a prostitute. I did use protection (condoms), but I am worried about getting sexually transmitted diseases. Should I get tested? Though condoms protect, I am worried. I do not want to ruin my future life.

SS

So I was rewatching Spalding Gray's Swimming To Cambodia the other day and, with your query fresh in my mind, took special note of his monologue about the Thai term "sanook." Gray says, "They have a philosophy -- 'sanook.' ‘Sanook' loosely translated means 'fun, pleasure.' They don't do anything that isn't sanook -- and they ask you first. If it isn't sanook, they won't touch it with a 10-foot pole. Also, another idea that may have to do with a rather radical Thai Buddhism -- after they have the sanook they don't have to suffer for it."

I have a radical idea for you, SS. Instead of indulging in a bout of self-induced cyberchondria, you run with the sanook. You take responsibility for the sanook you had by acknowledging that you initiated it because it was something you really wanted. You congratulate yourself for being pro-active about getting sanook, and you don't sabotage the sanook by coating it in a thick layer of fear, guilt and denial.

Now, if you genuinely feel that a checkup would help ease your worries about contracting STIs (after having safer sex with someone who is likely, given her line of work, an expert on safer sex), then by all means make an appointment at Hassle Free and have your business sorted out.

But remember: sanook. Pleasure is good.

Dear Sasha,

My New Year's resolution is to shave my crotch and balls for the next time I have sex. How do I do this safely? Is it going to itch no matter what?

Would-Be Shaver

I conducted an informal poll on my Facebook fan page, and here's what I got back:

Logan: "The Philips Bodygroom is the Lexus of body hair trimmers. It does it all, even the ass crack."

And how's the itch factor?

"Not nearly as bad as a blade. I use guard #1 around my crotch so there is no itch at all -- it trims really close. And I use it directly on my balls with no irritation. It can be tricky on the ass. You just have to be careful around there and not go for too many passes."

G: "I do know they feel a lot nicer when clear cut. As for technique, there's nothing special: just a good Schick Quattro shaver in the shower with soap lather. It helps that I'm fair-haired and not fighting so much against the grain of anything course or dense. But, really, it's a matter of stretching the balls taut and flat so you're not catching anything undesirable. Itching only hits once in a while. Better as time goes on and you get used to it -- maybe like shaving your pits does. Don't do ass crack -- just enough downtown to keep the streets clean, so to speak."

JV: "The itch is a bitch, and stubble is trouble! I shave slowly, with great care, in the shower and apply a nice slather of pure aloe vera gel after."

II: "I don't shave my balls, Problem w Pappe but I keep them trimmed very short and tidy with a standard moustache trimmer I bought at good old London Drugs."

So there you have it, Would-Be -- several excellent options. It looks like the best way to avoid itch is to use a trimmer versus a razor. Whatever way you go, don't cheap out on the implement, and beware of anything, and I say this from my own experience with the Jenna Jameson Hot Trimmer, that just grabs patches of pubic hair and snarls them into some internal mechanism, tugging at them with agonizing insistence until you just rip them out by hand, Hotter Trimmer still attached -- endorsed by a porn star.

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