Sasha: How to stand bi your friends

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Dear Sasha,

What do most of the women you know think about bisexual/gay males? Are they turned on by the thought of watching a man fellating another man, or revolted? Would they like to part of a three-way where the men have contact with one another? You know how most males would love to see two women having sex with each other? I'm wondering if women feel the same about seeing two males together sexually.

Alex

It always makes me a little sad when bisexual men write to me with this question, because it often feels like it's coming from a place of a little dude uncertainty, as in "Are people okay with bisexual men yet? Do they find us viable and sexy, or are we still perceived as indiscriminate vectors of disease?"

Let's talk first of all about the opinion of "most people" on any type of behaviour that runs up against the mainstream, Alex. They don't like it. Well, more accurately, they don't like it when other people do it and have the balls to be open about it. That seems to really annoy/scare the shit out of a lot of people. Annoyed, scared people can be really yappy and aggressive. Try to stay away from them.

Now let's talk about most of the wo-men I know. Most of the women I know are either queer or queer-positive. How do we feel about bisexual men? Bisexual men are part of our community. How would many of us feel about two men fellating each other? Well, in a very ordinary sense, this is what the men in our community do. So it's not generally a hot topic of conversation.

As it pertains to our sexual tastes, it is true that a lot of queer women I know get off watching gay porn. So seeing two guys do it in person might be a bit of a dream come true, though depending on their level of comfort, being touched by men might have to be negotiated.

In the end, Alex, you don't need to worry about what most wo-men think about your sexual choices, because you are not Gene Simmons and therefore won't be sleeping with most women. However, I can assure you that you'll find no end of ladies at places like fetlife.com or fetish parties who would be happy, over the moon, in fact, to watch you suck someone off while they're riding your dick.

Dear Sasha,

I read the letter from the girl who wanted to take her boyfriend for a lesbian massage and he refused to go. Too bad for him. I'd love for my wife to ask me the same, for the answer would be yes. Here's my question: do you think it's okay for me to arrange a lesbian massage for my wife as a surprise without her advance knowledge? She's not a lesbian and is very shy and conservative, but I've read that most women can go either way. Is that true? It's my fantasy to watch my wife 69 with another woman. If you happen to have the name or address of where the letter-writer went, let me have it. I know this is about me wanting to watch this beautiful event, but if she enjoys it she'll thank me later for the different pleasures that only a woman can give.

KCB

I can't say for certain this is the worst idea you've ever had (the fact that you've had it in the first place suggests there is a treasure trove of others), but let's put it in the top five just to be generous.

KCB, we do not spring surprise sex workers on our shy and conservative wives as gifts that are not really gifts for them but for ourselves. It's fine to tactfully raise the idea, but ask any sex worker who has been on the receiving end of this how it usually goes and he/she will tell you it ain't pretty. For anyone.

As for how to raise this matter with your wife, your best bet, though it's often rebuffed, is fantasy -- as in "I have this fantasy..." or, even better, "What are your fantasies?"

Dear Sasha,

My best friend has only slept with prostitutes. He calls himself fat and unintelligent, and prefers the safety of paying for sex to risking rejection from women. The issue is that he wants a girlfriend, and spends hours a day bemoaning his lack of one.

I understood his use of sex workers to meet his needs in the short term, but he's been seeing one a month for 12 years now. He hasn't changed his diet, exercised, read or done anything to improve his chances with women he doesn't pay for. Had he committed to self-improvement all those years ago, occasionally using sex workers to take the edge off, who knows what positive changes he might've seen by now?

Instead, he's put on dangerous amounts of weight (he's now up to 320 pounds) and is increasingly depressed about his lack of a real emotional commitment. He also won't see a therapist. "I'll just pay a whore" has become his mantra.

I'm emotionally worn out by this situation. Any advice you could provide would be much appreciated.

Friend to a John

There are countless hefty, inert, unread men in the world who have wives, girlfriends and regular lovers who love them deeply. There are also plenty of people who have satisfying relationships with sex workers. In short, it seems like your friend is simply determined to be unhappy or suffers from depression that has him between a rock and a hard place. His exchange with sex workers brings him no joy because, rather than feeling empowered by the fact that he has the means and agency to pay for sex, he sees it as a sign of his failure as an attractive partner. Vicious circle.

If he doesn't want to take any steps to become more socially active, if he refuses to speak to a therapist and is additionally disempowered by the sexual exchanges he does have, then I would say that if you don't want to be worn out by him you need to give him less psychic space or simply accept him for who he is and encourage him to do the same.

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