Sasha: Masturbation guilt, sex over 60 and indecency

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Dear Sasha,

I am a young woman addicted to masturbation since late childhood.

I sometimes masturbate out of real horniness (good), but the strong urges I feel between my legs are always related to feelings of guilt and stress (very, very bad). It's quite different from actual horniness, and often I won't even think about sex but about plans for the future or whatever is stressing me.

There's no correlation between my real sex life and this. My main concerns are that a) it's very time-consuming when I'm most pressed for time, and b) I might get caught and freak someone out. (I'm so ashamed.)

I went on the Sex Addicts Anonymous website and got turned off by its association of the problem with lust, which I don't think is my problem. I'd like to know what other treatment options there are.

Sore and Sorry

I'm with you there, Sore. While the 12-step model has proven lifesaving for countless people, it's also an outdated paradigm that merges the concept of addiction as disease with a required admission of spiritual weakness. What happens when we replace, say, the word alcoholism with sex in this equation? Sex is a disease over which you have no power. How are you to be expected to develop a healthy relationship with and understanding of your sexuality with a faith-based austerity plan as your guiding principle?

Let's also not forget that the 12-step model was created by Bill Wilson, a man who remained pre- and post-sobriety desperately addicted to cigarettes. It is also commonly understood that he was the originator of the custom of 13th Stepping, which in 12-step circles means sexually preying on newcomers to the program. Just think about that a bit, you know, when you're mulling over the value of fostering feelings like powerlessness and shame.

Look for a qualified therapist who identifies as sex-positive -- someone for whom intimacy is not mired in these negative emotions.

Dear Sasha,

Are there any sexual adventures for people above 60 who are sexually weak but extremely interested in sex? Can they increase their libido with new partners? Can you suggest worthwhile ways to carry on with their sex activity more interestingly?

Vijay

I was saddened to discover as I was researching your question that Juliet Anderson passed away in January of this year. Anderson, known professionally as Aunt Peg, was a persuasive advocate of sexuality and aging. She began her career in adult films at the age of 39, was the captivating cover model for the book Ripe Fruit: Erotica For Well-Seasoned Lovers and made the lauded video Ageless Desire (auntpeg.com). Her canon will no doubt provide you with great inspiration.

I asked Holly at Come as You Are for more recommendations, and here's what she came up with for you:

DVDs

Great Sex For A Lifetime

Bill & Desiree

Books

The New Love And Sex Over 60

Sex, Death And Other Distractions ("Might be on the wrong track," says Holly, "but it's erotica for older people.")

The Ultimate Guide To Sex And Disability (Includes chapters that cover what to do when sex is tiring, and positions that make it easier.)

As for toys, Holly suggests the Intimate Rider.

I also came across this incredible website when I Googled aging and sexuality. You need a membership to view the content but it is thoughtfully and creatively selected by Dr. Mark Schoen, an award-winning filmmaker and sexuality educator. Here is the link to films on aging and sexuality.

Spare the Rod

Dear Sasha,

I work at home most days and have been inundated with people at my door trying to sell me shit or hit me up for donations. I'm sure there is one company that's been hired to go door to door in my neighbourhood over and over for a whole variety of organizations including Greenpeace, Sick Kids, Save the Children and a few others. Maybe I've been targeted because I've given to one or more of these organizations in the past, I don't know, and I have nothing against the organizations themselves, but I hate, hate, hate that my doorbell rings twice a day when I'm trying to get my work done. I can turn the ringer off my phone, but I don't have that option for my door.

Furiously chewing this over yesterday, I decided that the next time my doorbell rings I'm going to strip off my kit and answer the door naked. Take that, door-to-door solicitor! I have no real fetish for doing this kind of thing -- although I am now looking forward to the next caller -- and I have never done it before.

My question is simply this: is it legal to answer my door naked? (Does it make a difference whether I have an erection?)

Naked News

"Complication number one," says my attorney, "the I-word."

From the Canadian Criminal Code:

INDECENT ACTS

... / Exposure.

173. (1) Every one who willfully does an indecent act

(a) in a public place in the presence of one or more persons, or

(b) in any place, with intent thereby to insult or offend any person, is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction.

(2) Every person who, in any place, for a sexual purpose, exposes his or her genital organs to a person who is under the age of 14 years is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction.

Boner or no boner, your castle or Castle Frank, it is illegal to brandish your dink at pesky people.

Though I understand the deep satisfaction of belligerent nudity, may I introduce you to another exhilarating form of antisocial behaviour? The psychologically questionable out-fit. What is more jarring than a nude stranger? A stranger wearing nothing but a blood-spattered butcher apron and a shower cap. A stranger in lacy underwear and a ratty bouffant wig with sloppily applied lipstick. Use your imagination, Naked!

It's your door. Make it your stage.

Ask Sasha:

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