Dear Sasha,

The hunt for a woman has been terrible for the past year, so I’m thinking of using the services of a sex worker for the first time to ease that natural instinct of mine. Is it okay to be selfish when it comes to dealing with a prostitute?

Let me explain myself. I am a gamer. I play a lot of video games. I never asked my ex to blow me while I play because I thought it would be disrespectful and selfish. Can I ask a prostitute to blow me or ride my cock while I play a video game, or will it interfere with her work? It’s been my fantasy for a while now. The idea of being a “war hero” and getting rewarded for it at the same time turns me on.

Horny Gamer

Requesting that a partner do something sexually unusual is not in and of itself tactless or egocentric. If approached with a spirit of complicity, it can be quite the opposite: “I trust you enough to share this singular fantasy I have,” you are saying.

When and how would this cross over into disrespectful territory? If you fail to acknowledge that it’s not the most reciprocal fantasy and to thank your partner appropriately for her role in making it happen — whether through gushing praise delivered in your gaming character’s native tongue, a lovingly prepared meal from your mystical homeland or acting out a challenging fantasy she may have. Make no mistake, this is not to be taken for granted.

When a woman says, “I love turning you on, baby,” while enacting some lurid shit you’ve dredged up from the lizard part of your brain, it means she feels privileged and empowered by being let into your man cave. It does not mean that you are absolved of stepping up to the plate when it’s her turn.

So rather than issuing a statement that clears you of any responsibility, like “But you said you liked it, too,” think about asking, “What can I do for you?” You’ve heard the expression “My pleasure”? I want you to think about it a little, you know, in a double entendre-y kind of way.

That being said, blowing you while you pretend to be Lord Wolfcock doesn’t sound like something a sex worker would be opposed to. Don’t be surprised if the scene turns up on someone’s online journal, though. Many hookers — either amongst themselves or on their blogs — love to share the details of their most interesting clients. The job can be pretty mundane, so it’s always fun when someone kooky comes along.

When I was in Vegas at the Desiree Alliance conference, I ran into a voluptuous tart swiveling down the walkway to her hotel room, gingerly holding a paper bag out in front of her giant knockers. I looked at her with vague curiosity, but even that was enough for her to reveal, “I just paid the busboy in the coffee shop $20 to come in a takeout cup. I have a client in the room who loves eating sperm.”

Dear Johns

I’ve been watching livid with frustration as the legal travesty that followed the security travesty preceded by the political travesty (a veritable trifecta of travesty, it has been) unfolds around the G20 arrests.

During the mass court appearance on Monday, August 23, the Crown prosecutors attempted to strike deals with some of the accused by requesting they pay 50 or 100 bucks to their favourite charity to have their charges dropped.

This reminded me of something I witnessed in a courtroom in the spring of last year. I watched one man after another, all of whom had been arrested in an undercover police operation called Project DOJO (Diversion of John Offenders), stand before a judge, who told them that charges of trying to procure a sex worker in public would be dropped if they paid $400 dollars to a charity. The charity was not of their choosing and required their participation. It was called John School.

The little media that did cover DOJO tended to focus on the fact that one officer was assaulted in the course of an arrest and another accused solicited an undercover officer from an allegedly stolen vehicle. When I spoke to many of these men, several said they didn’t understand at the time of their arrest that they were being asked to pay for sex.

Language and cultural barriers (most of the men were racialized and a large majority had very little English) led several defendants to believe that they were being cruised by non-professionals. Those who did believe that the undercover officers were professionals often did not initiate the transactions.

In an article published in the Toronto Star on Wednesday, August 25, about the G20 mass court appearance, Thomas Walkom wrote, in a standard court case, this tactic — a form of plea bargain — might make sense. But in this very political case, it’s hard not to suspect that the authorities were taking advantage of the fact that many charged without reason simply wanted the nightmare to end.

That’s precisely what happens to many men charged with trying to procure the services of sex workers — even in cases of coercion and entrapment. They’re bullied into having charges dropped by contributing to a charity run by former sex workers, whom they pay large sums of money they don’t have to begin with to tell them that sex work is soul-killing and those who employ their services are deplorable. They get to this place by being entrapped by women paid to pretend to be sex workers.

In the case of the G20 arrestees, people were unlawfully arrested and incarcerated because they were protesting on behalf of their favourite causes. To ask them to contribute money to these causes to have ridiculous charges dropped is utterly absurd. They already do enough for these organizations, some putting in long hours and energy to bring social and political injustices to light. To say nothing of the fact that many of these organizations are deprived of their leaders at the moment since their own bail conditions prevent them from working.

So here are a few questions. Please feel free to comment below:

Why are we criminalizing people who are out seeking pleasure or comfort and who fight for the comfort and justice of others? The laws in our country state very clearly that sex work and the expression of dissent are legal, yet those involved in these activities are constantly penalized in ways that make their involvement seem immoral and dangerous.

I wonder why the fuck I’m paying someone to pretend to be a sex worker so that men can pay former sex workers to tell them sex work is wrong, when everyone knows damn well the men are just trying to get charges dropped.

I want to know why I’m paying my government to protect me from people who are just trying to tell me things I actually need to hear.

Ask Sasha: [email protected]

Personals:
Independent rukus-raising news site seeks new friends (at $5/month) for support network. rabble will always be there for you, looks pretty good and has a winning personality. Loves new friends and will shower them each with a free independent print magazine subscription. Contact at www.rabble.ca/membership. No photo required.

Sasha Van Bon Bon

Sasha is a nationally syndicated sex columnist whose work has appeared in a variety of Canadian weeklies and online magazines for over 15 years. Her column appears weekly in NOW magazine. She is also...