Male Violence

Hi bccariboofn, and a slightly belated welcome.

I note that you're not really asking a question, or even for advice. I hope you can use your righteous and justified anger to take things in a positive direction! For myself, I've found the advice to "forgive and forget" to be sometimes well meaning, or sometimes said by people who just want to hide uncomfortable situations. Forgiveness may or may not come when it's good and ready. But forget? I'm guessing no.

Ok, so do we accept that males are more violent or just some of them? What about gays vs straights? Or bisexual ones? Or the ones the like to dress up in dresses? Isn't it so nice to catergorize! Well I think that if you don't like your situation then change it. If you are living with or in love with or feed up with a violent person then you need to make a serious choice. We all know some of the consequences of staying, and we all know how hard it can be to move or get justice or leave. But just do it! And if you choose to stay and accept the consequences then they are presumably better than the consequences of leaving. As feminists haven't we decided that it is better to take control of our own lives and accpet the consequences - with no guarantees that life really is a bowl of cherries.

jl1280, According to your profile you are male and a bishop. I doubt very much that you are a feminist, or have much of a clue about feminist struggles and issues. On top of what Stargazer pointed out, yours was one of the most disrespectful and unvalidating posts I've read in some time.

That's not how we operate around here. More posts like that and you're gone.

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Originally posted by zak4amnesty:
[b]I just returned from a counselling session. I attend CMHA for numerous issues, including male violence against myself, and witnessed as well. I am very aware of my affect on women. So many women are scared (I am very clean looking, altho many people say slightly effeminate). I attend drop-in centres and 12 step programs, and the effect of my presence is noticeable on the many women who have been abused. I am saddened, but feel empathy.[/b]

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Thank you for sharing the results of violence against you, and what you are doing to mitigate its effects upon you. What is it you feel women are picking up from you?

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[b]I'm hoping that my next relationship won't be another hostage situation.[/b]

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when you are healthy or in a better place it will happen.

Really the most important relationship we will ever have is with ourselves. And it is that one which is the most important.

I'm not so sure that I in particular scare women at these meetings. I think they are just scared, and I take notice of it. Most of my male friends have never been abused in any way, other than the abuse they put upon themselves, and they don't understand how their very presence can affect abused women. It doesn't help when they start talking smut or violence. Half the time they aren't even aware of what they are saying. and then the attempt of 13th stepping, well.......

I think people who have a realy bad childhood like this are in real trouble of forming similar relationshiops when they are adults. What can we do to help? Well I married a man of lower financial, educational and intellectual ability than myself. However he had a fairly normal childhood, and I had a fairly awful one, being verbally and physically abused by my mother, while my sister was perfect and never smacked, and repeatidly sexually abused by my grandfather. My father worked very long hours, and pretended he knew nothing. My husband was able to overlook my emotional problems and see my assets, and I was mad keen to be loved. Our marriage lasted 20 years with no infidelity or violence, and our teenage boys are hopefully this side of normal. If my children are having trouble being good parents I hope to be able to live close by and offer respite. My suggestions are to find if your sister has any assets, and encourage her in a similar vein to the one I followed man-wise. It is difficult for a woman who is damaged to find a decent man. The single best thing you can do is spend time with the young children and give them love, one-on-one time is super, also teach them that parenting is difficult to learn and we are all trying to do our best. You don't need to do this often, maybe for one hour per month, and If you have missed with the next generation, try for the one after.
Also I wonder if it helps the next generation if the one before can admit to their shortcommings? Perhaps you could gently hint in this direction too.
Good luck.

JL1280 and everyone: what you say is true. About the fact that men do tend to pick a woman that might be week. I get stuck with changing diapers while his mom gos to do errands. But that's mean because she probably thought that the guy was gonna stick around forever. That is why the only men I trust are like my dad and the men in my family and close guy friends. I will open up to others when I trust them; thats the sad thing because we don't trust anyone if we grow up like that. That is why I think some women know they can get out but don't because they sometimes take them back, think there puppy dogs and than...WHACK (the cycle of abuse, as my dad says) Or they think that they are nothing without them. I HOPE that I am not like that. Some people say that I'm too smart for that, but even the smartest women fall for that tall dark and handsome look that we would kill to have in our life. What SOME woman don't know, and even the men themselves, is that they will get abused. Thankfully, most men are not like that, like my dad. Well I'll liet you think what you want. Have a good one this weekend all!
- Best of Both