a feminist response to abuse looking for feedback
Tue, 2007-06-05 08:16
#1
a feminist response to abuse looking for feedback
Tue, 2007-06-05 08:16
#2
One in three women will experience male violence in their lifetime. Male violence stems from a man’s need for power and control. Many women are not aware of how the violence controls them. From a wife lying about how much money she spent on something for herself, to hiding new purchases, or even the feeling of having to defend herself with alibis to prove her whereabouts are all common signs of abuse that often go unreported, and even unidentified. When a woman feels afraid, she is being victimized. There is no excuse for guilt, guilt stems from society placing blame and in a patriarchal society, and the man is usually setting the standards. We need to defend feminism.
[ 05 June 2007: Message edited by: Hannah Rita Rose ]
[ 06 June 2007: Message edited by: Hannah Rita Rose ]
[ 06 June 2007: Message edited by: Hannah Rita Rose ]
Tue, 2007-06-05 08:41
#3
Hi Hannah, glad to see you posting here. [img]smile.gif" border="0[/img]
May I make a suggestion for your thread title? We generally try to make our thread titles describe a little more specifically what the thread is going to be about. The entire feminism forum is about "feminism" but from your opening post, it sounds like you'd like to focus on a feminist response to abuse, right?
So maybe a better thread title would be "Feminist response to abuse". You can change it by clicking on the little pencil and paper icon on your opening post, and that will allow you to edit either your post or your title.
Fri, 2007-06-08 06:51
#4
Hannah, you are describing my mother. Dad has entire financial control but, worse, he has emotional control. If he's in a bad mood, the household is supposed to tiptoe around him. If he's in a good mood, he slags anyone who won't be happy with him. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Almost every time I talk to my mother, I point out patterns of abuse in that marriage. She accuses me of being biased in her favour and unfair to my father. I consider my mother a battered woman, even though he only laid a hand on her once.
Fri, 2007-06-08 07:01
#5
I'm so sorry, Phonz. That really sucks. Even once is one time too many.
Thanks, Hannah, for highlighting a type of abuse that is often swept under the carpet. Emotional abuse, and controlling behaviour is a terrible thing to have to deal with. Lots of us haven't been hit by partners, but many of those of us who haven't been hit have had to deal with this instead. And this is often a precursor and accompaniment to physical abuse.
Fri, 2007-06-08 07:06
#6
quote:
Originally posted by Michelle:
[b]I'm so sorry, Phonz. That really sucks. Even once is one time too many.[/b]
And the reason it was only once was because right afterwards she explained to him in no uncertain terms that that behaviour was not tolerable. If it happened again, she would leave. Thus, that particular bad behaviour disappeared. So now why can't she make a similar ultimatum about emotional abuse? Why isn't emotional abuse treated seriously?
Fri, 2007-06-08 07:11
#7
Some other indicators of this type of abuse:
- man constantly interrupting woman
- disrespectful body language (waving hand in face, standing in front of woman, etc.)
- woman glancing over for approval when speaking
- differing opinions always being resolved in favour of man
- public humiliation
I'm signing off now. This subject is deeply distressing to me.
Fri, 2007-06-08 08:34
#8
remind
quote:
Originally posted by Phonz:
[b]...I point out patterns of abuse in that marriage. She accuses me of being biased in her favour and unfair to my father. I consider my mother a battered woman, even though he only laid a hand on her once.[/b]
Have you asked her why she would think you would be biased in her favour, as opposed to that of your father? And why she would believe you would be unfair to your father?
Moreover, if your father is "slagging" on you, tell him to stop immediately, and say that he has no right to do this. Not to, is to perpetuating his verbal and emotional violence against you and everyone in the family it seems. He is a petty tyrant it sounds like.
He only had to hit her once, for her to know what would happen should she push him to far again, perhaps?
Good list of examples of abuse that is non-physical. Start calling your father on them every time is conducts himself that way in front of you.
Perhaps also point out to your mother that she needs to have actions in regards to their financial situatiopn as what would she do if something were to happen to your father like a car accident or something, appraoch it from a practical view perhaps with them both.
Remember you do not have to be a victim in this situation too. You have a voice use it to be open and honest with them both, together even. You will feel less frustrated and upset.
Fri, 2007-06-08 10:39
#9
[QUOTE]Originally posted by remind:
[b]Have you asked her why she would think you would be biased in her favour, as opposed to that of your father?[/b]
But I [b]am[/b] biased in favour of my mother. She's smarter, funnier, kinder, more interesting, better-looking, more talented and better-read.
[b]And why she would believe you would be unfair to your father?[/b]
Because I just don't give him credit for all the good stuff he does! You know, like, sometimes he takes his plate off the dinner table and dumps it into the sink for her to clean. (Pardon my sarcasm, but I do think it's funny as hell that he gets thanked for this "task.")
[b]Moreover, if your father is "slagging" on you, tell him to stop immediately,[/b]
Oh, believe me, I do. Makes for some great family gatherings, I can tell you.
[b]He only had to hit her once, for her to know what would happen should she push him to far again, perhaps?[/b]
Don't know. She pushes his buttons a lot, apparently. But he did learn from that one incident that physical abuse was an absolute no-no.
[b]Good list of examples of abuse that is non-physical. Start calling your father on them every time is conducts himself that way in front of you.[/b]
Thanks. I do. I often say "Hey, asshole, get out of the way!" or "Hey, ME talking!" or "You know, when I said 'Mom ...' I was actually talking to your wife so shut up" or whatever.
[b]Perhaps also point out to your mother that she needs to have actions in regards to their financial situatiopn as what would she do if something were to happen to your father like a car accident or something, appraoch it from a practical view perhaps with them both.[/b]
Yep, this one's tricky. I wince to report that she hands over her substantial paycheque and then gets doled out money as she asks for it. It's demeaning to have to ask your husband for $40 so you can take your friend to lunch. I don't know why she puts up with it.
[b]Remember you do not have to be a victim in this situation too. You have a voice use it to be open and honest with them both, together even. You will feel less frustrated and upset.[/b]
I will try. Hey, thanks for your input.
Sat, 2007-06-09 05:01
#10
Maysie
Hannah, what you describe is emotional abuse, and emotional abuse is abuse as much as physical and sexual abuse. Thanks for starting this thread.
Phonz, welcome to babble and thank you for sharing your experience with your parents. You've bumped into a problem that many supportive people have when abuse is going on, and the woman is simply not in a space to realize she can change the situation, she can leave.
Because first she has to believe that she's worth it. That she deserves to live without being called names, without being made fun of, without being talked over. This must come from within, nobody can "make" her feel this. But there are tons of ways we can help this to happen, and it sounds like you're doing a great job at it.
Women leave unhealthy relationships at all ages. My mom left at age 40, after 20 years of marriage that was a lot like what you described in your parent's relationship. She's since had 25 years of an amazingly happy life and is now retired and doing wonderfully. My friend's mom recently left a 40-year marriage at the age of 68.
All we can do as supporters is be there. The emphasis, in my opinion, is not about "changing" the abuser, but in getting the woman out of the situation. Ideally, HE should leave, but in the real world that is completely unrealistic to expect. Sometimes her leaving is enough of a wake-up call to him, sometimes it isn't. He may change, he may not. It's she who must be built up, reminded of her strengths, her interests, her friends, her choices, all of which have likely been minimized and squashed by him for all those years. Friends and other supports like adult daughters and sons are so important. Keep it up, I'm sure it will make a difference to her, hopefully sooner rather than later.
P.S. Phonz, I can PM you with a number of books that are helpful, but books aren't always helpful to everyone in these situations. Let me know.
Sun, 2007-06-10 13:58
#11
quote:
Originally posted by bigcitygal:
[b]All we can do as supporters is be there. The emphasis, in my opinion, is not about "changing" the abuser, but in getting the woman out of the situation. Ideally, HE should leave, but in the real world that is completely unrealistic to expect. Sometimes her leaving is enough of a wake-up call to him, sometimes it isn't. He may change, he may not. It's she who must be built up, reminded of her strengths, her interests, her friends, her choices, all of which have likely been minimized and squashed by him for all those years. Friends and other supports like adult daughters and sons are so important. Keep it up, I'm sure it will make a difference to her, hopefully sooner rather than later.[/b]
This has been going on so long now. There is no way she is ever, ever, ever going to leave him! I agree with you about ignoring the abuser and focussing on the abused. Trouble is, she doesn't see herself as abused. I often say to her "Jesus, what would you think if I told you these things about my own marriage?" and she acknowledges that she would be alarmed. Yet, she can't get alarmed about her own situation. And this is a highly intelligent woman!
When we kids were little, she made her decision to stay because she felt that, no matter how bad it was, it was still better than being raised in a single-parent household. I think that was tragically misguided but, whatever, that was the decision that she made. But I really cannot fathom why she stayed after we had left home.
I fear she's hanging on until he dies. I don't know why. And, furthermore, I really don't know what it means to "love" someone who abuses you.
[b]
quote:
P.S. Phonz, I can PM you with a number of books that are helpful, but books aren't always helpful to everyone in these situations. Let me know.[/b]
I would love that! Please do.