"I really regret having children" says French author

Why do people want children? She believes that people choose to have children to find [b][i]a purpose in life[/b][/i], to [b][i]combat loneliness[/b][/i], and create [b][i]a bit of immortality[/b][/i], all reasons that she, apparently, believes are bad reasons.

She also touches on a belief that I share: By having children, women sacrifice careers. Not necessarily completely, but to varying degrees. It’s simply inhuman to think that a person can have a full-time and demanding career, often with travel, while shouldering the vast bulk, if not all, of child-rearing and domestic responsibilities. In today’s world, those burdens fall heavily and overwhelmingly on women. That millstone will not be loosened until men, in [b][i]individual homes[/b][/i], start taking an equal share of that burden—or until women demand that of their men.

I suspect that a lot of people, if they knew what child-rearing really entailed, would never have had children. So, I think, in this sense, the author does a service by offering another, non-idealized, perspective of parenthood to would-be-parents. The more information the better—it will help people make better-informed decisions about whether or not to have children.

[ 02 October 2007: Message edited by: Sven ]

Yes, and women who choose not to have children are often looked upon a unfortunate oddities, worthy of pity.

This is one of those topics where every time I chime in, I get my head bitten off.

So let me chime in as someone single 34 year old woman who has no interest in having kids.

I think a lot of dissatisfaction comes from both the less-than-selfless motives for having kids to the expectations women put on their kids.

There are women out there who had kids to save a marriage or rope a guy into marrying them or because their husbands or parents or in-laws put pressure on them to have kids or to have a legitimate reason for quitting a high-stress job or to have someone who will look up to them or have free housekeepers or to have someone save them from themselves or have a kid who will financially support them later on or whatever.

Then there's expectations that the kids will always behave and won't talk back or will obey and think in the absolute same way like a good little robot or pet that will need minimal maintenance and will be dazzled by absolutely everything the parents say or do -- and will never ask for a never-ending stream of expensive toys they see on television.

So when these kids can't carry the huge burden they are expected to take on those tiny little shoulders, of course it's going to be disappointing. What exactly did these women expect?

I know when some mothers gripe to me about certain things, I just sit there and shake my head -- I don't have kids, but even I know what they expect is just never going to happen. Ever. It has *never* happened for anyone else, what would make them so special?

Kids are work, they are a sacrifice, they are trouble, and they are high maintenance. They will love you with all their hearts and look up to you -- but kids are a long-term work in progress and they are helpless on their own -- so don't expect them to solve your personal problems because they are looking to you to do the same for them.

But everytime I say that, people say I'm a jerk; so there you go...

quote:

---

I agree that unrealistic expectations are projected onto children, but both parents can do this, not just mothers. Mothers, however, do shoulder most of the blame about, well anything, if they or the kids fuck up in any way. "Too permissive" "Too strict". Yawn. That's not about motherhood, that's just boring old sexism.

---

I don't see that as sexist. Woman traditionally are the adults who have a bigger share of the child-rearing responsibilites; so if there is a break-down in that, they would have more to answer for. If they didn't, that would be like saying women weren't important or effectual.

That to me would be sexist.

If it were the father was the one who took on more of the child-rearing and something went wrong, then we'd have to take a closer look at him.

And I know I have seen very permissive mothers who preferred to be seen as a "cool friend" to their kids rather than as a "mother" -- and their children got into some horrendous, life-altering trouble. If you would rather cultivate an image to impress your neighbors rather than soldify your backbone and it's the kids who pay the price, then yeah, suck it up and admit you failed somewhere as a parent.

(And the same goes for the overly strict parents who are too controling, too).

Once you are a parent, you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your choices, both the good ones and the bad.

quote:

---

As for women sacrificing their "careers" only certain women actually have "careers" and that strata, race and class of women are doing just fine, with or without children.

---

I don't really get this statement. A lot of people may not be players on a large scale, but they consider the work they do to be their "career."

I'm not trying to pick on you, but this sounds a bit elitist the way I am reading it; so I am wondering if I am reading that statement wrong.