My boyfriend's new friend says offensive things!

The problem is, the writer doesn't want this woman in her home at all.  But yeah, short of explicitly telling this woman she's not welcome (which could backfire with the other friends since they're inviting her to tag along, and they'll hear about it from her), or calling her on her sexism and racism, there isn't going to be much she can do.  I agree with Ms. C., and think her best bet would be to take this person aside (not in front of others) and explain to her that she is uncomfortable with the things she is saying, and would she please stop.

It's hard when you're a host to call your guests on stuff because you don't want to seem inhospitable or seem rude to your other guests.  It's a real quandary! 

Oh, I misunderstood 500's question.  I thought he was asking "what exactly is the problem" about the letter writer, not about Ms C's answer.  Heh.

He probably should, alex.  But on the other hand, I've always felt like if I have a problem with something someone is saying, then I shouldn't depend on others to speak for me.  That also means, however, that boyfriend can't complain if partner takes it into his or her own hands and talks to the friend him or herself.  (I assumed in the post above that the writer was a woman - heterosexist assumption!)

Why would Human Resources Development Canada get involved in a hate crime case?  You want to sentence them to Employment Insurance payments or something?  ;)

What I wonder about all this is a boyfriend who is in his 40s and has "recently returned to school."

What is he studying?  Why is the writer attracted to this mouth-breather?  What more does she expect from him?

Which brings us to the real question: Why is this mouth breather attracted to this mimsy woman who can't defend her own personal space without the mouth-breather's intervention.

This is definetly a job for the HRDC, I agree.

I have a friend whose job is helping people who get laid off in the manufacturing sector to get government funding for retraining.  These people are of all ages.  I used to work for an office that had EI clients coming for employment counselling.  Same thing - a lot of them needed retraining, and these people were of all ages, particularly people who had been employed for two or three decades in the same field and then suddenly got laid off and found that their skills were either not needed, or in need of updating.

People also do career changes in midlife.  Like my stepmother, who retired from her job in her mid 50's and is now taking courses in divinity school so that she can become ordained.  

The world is changing and people don't keep the same job or career from their 20's into their 60's.  Doesn't make them "mouthbreathers". 

The amount of headdesking-inducing stuff involving the most irrelevant and, frankly, self-righteous commentary in this thread has just brought home to me why I never 'got radicalized'.

I'm just not that obtusely obnoxious as part of my personality.

Really, making judgements about why someone's going back to school! Why the boyfriend is attracted to the writer! And so on.

My god, casting the first stone? More like casting a fucking brick wall, people. 

Then what were you asking for, alQ?

Boy, she actually left the house because this T was so offensive.

Well, boyfriend has a choice: either T is there or his girlfriend.

Or he socializes with T and the group away from his home.

Or, they bite the bullet and talk to T about her inappropriate comments, give her one chance to improve, and don't invite her again, if she blows it. At that point, you have to let the others know she's not welcome, and they can make their own choice.

I'd be inclined to gently confront her during the offensive talk, "We don't talk like that here", etc., (then go get drinks). It alerts the group, who can join in trying to rein her in.

I think you have to let all concerned know it is an issue which may just confirm their suspicions.  

I really don't see why here boyfriend has any special obligation to resolve the situation. I really don't like the feel of all this. It sounds like GF here is depending on BF to do all the talking. She feels this is justified on the very tenuous grounds that this person, not invited by the BF any longer, is loosely associated with BF through other friends.

It is not even clear that BF and "T" are actually even "friends".

This situation is so bad that GF is leaving the house, yet she has said absolutely nothing at all directly to the person who is annoying her.

The whole thing feels very oblique, and passive agressive, and sound like it is conducted in hushed tones and looks of disapproval made on the sly.

I see your point.  It sounds to me like the boyfriend is too uncomfortable to say anything to the woman (otherwise he would have by now), and so the writer is in the tough spot of either making the boyfriend uncomfortable by saying something, or making him or herself uncomfortable by not saying something.

I agree, though, that the onus shouldn't be on the boyfriend in this case.  The boyfriend is not the one who is so uncomfortable that he is leaving the house over it - that's the writer.  And so the writer has to tell the boyfriend at this point that he has a choice - he can talk to the friend or the writer will, but the writer does not want racist and sexist remarks made in their home any longer.

Well, this is one of the odd things about this story. It is he who first raised the issue with her. 'After everyone went home he said "So I guess we won't be inviting T over again" and I agreed.'

In fact the boyfriend has taken action, and no longer invites T. And has indicated, quite clearly that he does not like T.

 So it does not seem that she has any reason not to believe that he will support her in this, but there is no evidence she has even mentioned the issue to him since, and she is now passively waiting for him to stop being "oblivious" to her needs, and sending "signals" -- leaving the house, smashing things, slamming the door, putting pine cones on his side of the bed, and so on.

It'd be awfully quiet in this world. 

So, this is more of a relationship problem than the offensive friend.

What to do?

saga wrote:

Then what were you asking for, alQ?

 

 

Like I said, boredom.

 I couldn't give a rat's rectum about anyone involved.

I am with cue on the whole relationship issues as that is what I saw in T's words too!

However, I disagree with ceding space, couples are allowed to have friends that the other one doesn't like, and are allowed to have them in their space. And if the partner does not like it, well, then they are free to go somewhere else in the meantime, or do something else.

People who do not understand this right to privacy and freedom of association, are not going to be in a relationship for long.

Hell, when the Harley's used to rumble into our driveway, I would use it as a great excuse to go do what I wanted too. However, one day I stayed, shut myself in the office, and my partner had been busy vacuuming the living room and rearranging it. He answered the door all excitedly said; " I changed the living room around, it looks great come see it". They all dutifully remioved their boots and followed him into the living room where numerous minutes were spent debating how good it looked amongst them all. While I was just dying trying to hold the laughter in. Each and every one of them would be considered to be "manly" men, all dressed in leather and most likely would be frighting to a large % of the population.

My partner has disliked many of my friends over the years too, but the key word is "my" friends.  Though he would cook breakfast, if we had been up playing poker all night and were still going strong, after he woke up. ;) Nothing like a good night of politics, poker and religion, with a peppering of social discourse.

Hmm, that's a good point, remind, about people feeling free to associate with whom they choose, whether they're in a relationship or cohabiting or not.

saga wrote:

Then what were you asking for, alQ?

 

Like I said, I was bored with this politically-correct, holier-than-thou finger-wagging discussion.

My job involves working with 40 year-olds who go back to school for training.  They're the best.

Quote:

You already answered that further up the thread. ;)

Yeah, well I'm old and forgetful.

I think that Difficulty Socializing (DS) should talk to T about how the things she said were hurtful. T cannot and probably will not change unless DS tells her what is bothering her. T probably senses that DS does not like her, and probably does not know why or has concluded that DS dislikes her for other reasons. An excellent book that could help DS initiate and navigate through such a delicate discussion is Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. (Forward by Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mohandas Gandhi). This book talks about resolving conflicts peacefully by drawing on mutual respect, compassion, and cooperation. I'm not sure that it's fair to write T off as permanently racist or sexist. As a teenager I called everything "gay" until my mom's friend pulled me aside and told me how it bothered her. As an adult I continue to change my mind when others offer differing points of view. The point is, T can't change unless she's given a sincere chance to change. Ultimately DS may decide that s/he is not ready to have a conversation with T. DS should have a conversation with her boyfriend about issue whether she decides to speak with T or not. Most importantly, DS needs to realize that her needs cannot be met until she expresses them.