Dating Advice for Activists

I can be friends with a stalwart Alberta Conservative, if we can have respectful conversations...but I wouldn't date one.

I disagree with the article in the sense that she makes it sound very difficult to figure out a person's politics.  (I'm also sort of wondering what she thinks Pnon-WS people do to meet others?)  As well, she left out an increasingly useful arena to meet people...the internet.  And no, I don't mean dating sites.

But colour me biased, I met the love of my life online, arguing politics together.

And back once again to Smith_W's post... you may not have control over who is going to make you melt in your shoes, but I doubt most people fall for those they are fundamentally incompatable with.  I don't care if you're Adam Beach (I'm so tired of the 'Brad Pitt' reference in these situations), if your personal beliefs are repugnant, so are you.

Don't worry, that doesn't mean all lefties get a pass into my pants.  Some people are just really annoying, even if their politics seem okay.

Some of us work really hard at being annoying. I think there is a genetic component, but the learned part dominates.

We all have our talents in life.

N.Beltov wrote:

Some of us work really hard at being annoying. I think there is a genetic component, but the learned part dominates.

We all have our talents in life.

My love can be a complete ass, and I love it.  It helps that I pride myself on the same.

But when it comes to things that matter, the line doesn't get crossed.  There's a difference.

Being progressive doesn't automatically mean you can communicate well enough to keep a relationship going, or that you live your beliefs either.  That being said, I could meet the nicest, most respectful Conservative (and I have met a few) on earth, and I still could not stomach building a life with that person.

In terms of the original article... I can't really separate myself from my politics, it's not just what I think, it's actualy what I've spent my life DOING.  So if someone gets to know me even a little bit, they get to know that.  I'm not sure how I could avoid discussing politics on a 'first date', to be quite honest.  And if someone wasn't cool with it, I wouldn't be cool with them.

N.Beltov wrote:

Yiwah: Actually, I did move. 2,200 km to be precise. I think I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. lol.

Dating is so passe anyway. Kids these days talk about "hooking up".

I'm not actually sure I've ever been on a 'date'.  Maybe people do that, I don't know, but usually when people are talking about dating, they're not referring to some stilted 'let's meet at dinner and get to know one another' thing.  I see 'dating' as 'activiely looking for someone'.

Life is for enjoying.  How you go about that is up to you.

N.Beltov wrote:

Nonsense. Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, ...

 

I enjoyed.

Yes.  But is it okay if I admit I don't get it?

bagkitty wrote:

Of course Yiwah, as a matter of fact you actually get bonus points for acknowledging you don't get it. I hope you will take it on trust that, when delivered to the correct audience, it is screamingly funny.

Alright.

I can offer only one dating tip: if it is going really, really bad attempt at all costs to move to a Central/Eastern European diner for dinner. Proceed to eat saurkraut. Instant date ender right there. Perhaps that is why that is my only dating tip?

Incompatible politics has been a factor in a couple of my break-ups.

The first conversation I had with Mme. Qa'bong  was about the Touche pas à mon pote campaign. I also found out later that she was a Mitterand Socialist. She decided I was OK, as she moved to Canada to stay with me.

I met my sweetie at a film festival.  He was on a panel and making a presentation on multimedia when his computer refused to communicate with the projection equipment.  He impressed me -- didn't panic, just turned the laptop around, got everybody to sit up close and carried on.  Lots of nerve and good humour - two qualities I look for, because life at Chez Bandit is not for the faint of heart.  Our first conversation took place the next day at the awards gala, and I was smitten.  He thought I looked way too young and didn't ask me out.

Took him 6 mos to get with the program, but eventually he clued in.  ;-)

I think excessive partisanship (be it Conservative, Liberal, or NDP) is an un-sexy date-killer, as it shows closed-mindedness. There are attractive members of the opposite sex in all three parties.

The more connected and political they are, on the other hand, the more it serves as a real aphrodesiac. Which is cool, because the closer to power they are, the less vocally partisan they tend to be. Power and the appearance of being close to it is very sexy.

However nothing is more unsexy than complaints or nostalgia about past relationships. "My ex was a real dork". Well what kind of person goes with a dork? I am probably going to be an eventual dork as well, in that case.

Uncle John wrote:

 Which is cool, because the closer to power they are, the less vocally partisan they tend to be. Power and the appearance of being close to it is very sexy.

So vocally expressing partisanship is a sign of close-mindedness but manifesting a lived connection to a political party does not?  Are you just trying to say actions are sexyier than words?

I think mr.Smith is on to something withthe values comment....Particularly if you're going to have to live with the person you're dating at some point....I had one professional activist roommate who was very active and connected but always had dirty dishes out in the hall which to me is a sign of disrespect for those others you live with. 

People become activists for all kinds of reasons.  People who have chosen the same cause can run the spectrum from having done so because they like being an asshole shit disturber to having a desire to be kind and helpful.  Causes come and go and while they're fun to talk about not even Mies van der Rohe is going to be able to build (a life) on top of that alone.

milo204 wrote:

Also, in my experience progressive men who tend to be less aggressive about meeting women (i.e. "hitting" on them, making sexually suggestive comments, etc) are often mistaken for "not being interested" in them, like it's expected you'll transform into a chauvinist when it comes to meeting women, and if you take time to get to know someone it must be a sign you aren't interested in a romantic relationship them.

Do you have any single female friends in Winnipeg in their late 20s? ;)

Seriously though, I think there is some truth to this. One of the things that, according to contemporary dating advice, is of utmost important is financial security, especially for men. It's almost as if you're expected to "have it together," which is odd because I can't see someone saying to his/her spouse and kids, "honey, I'm experiencing clinical depression right now, so we have to suspend the relationship while I get this fixed up."

One question I have is the question of lack of interest. I have been told on several occaisions that when a woman is not interested in a man, instead of telling him upfront, she will drop hints and hope he clues in. Why? Apparently from what I'm told, they're afraid to hurt the man's feelings. Finding out about this lack of interest either in this way or through friends is something that several guys I know have experienced, along with myself. Recently someone practically apologised to me when she said she saw me as a friend but didn't want to date me (which, a: I wasn't interested in dating her anyways, and b: that is the correct thing to say to a friend who hits on you when you don't feel the same way). Why is this? Do any other men or women have experience they can speak to in this regard?

milo204 wrote:

ha ha, how did you know i was in the peg?

Lucky guess! :)

milo204 wrote:

On your question, i think a lot of people are just scared to communicate their real feelings, probably because they've had a bad experience in the past.  Not just with dating, people often tend to try and drop hints and hope you "get the message" even if it's subliminal.  Also, i think people who have experience with rejection are scared if they come right out and say it then things might get awkward and even ruin the friendship...you know, a fear of being too "harsh" to the other person.  Some people react very bad when people are upfront and take it like an insult or like the person must REALLY not like you if they say it to your face.

Thing is, it's much worse if it's not done directly. I speak from personal experience. I can understand if it's someone you don't know very well that giving hints might be more appropriate, but with friends, how else are you supposed to communicate? In one particular instance I had no idea whether or not she wanted to continue the friendship, as she had not contacted me at all. And usually there is awkwardness, and sometimes you have to put the friendship on hold for a bit. But that's where communication comes in. Maybe saying something like, "I accept this, and I want to continue being friends, but I don't feel I'm ready at this time. I'll contact you in...."

People wonder how they can avoid "hurting someone's feelings." Speaking from experience, rejection hurts, there is no way around that.

If I can give some advice, the best way to shoot down a friend is to reaffirm how much you value that person's friendship, but you just don't see him or her in that light. (Do NOT say anything about the person being a "good guy" or a "nice girl" or anything of the sort, otherwise the person will think, "yeah but I must not be good enough for you.") Something like, "I love you as a brother, but I'm sorry I do not feel the same way that you do."

Isn't that personal preference?

Ignorance and bigotry is a major turn off for me.  No amount of physical beauty or emotional commitment on their part can ever change that.

I would calmly explain to her that our political differences make our relationship unsustainable.

Then I would put on my clothes and go home.