Song lyric I'm working on...looking for feedback
Wed, 2012-04-04 20:55
#1
Song lyric I'm working on...looking for feedback
Wed, 2012-04-04 21:11
#2
This would go with a "Em blues" kind of melody in 4/4
Looking for feedback and constructive criticism...
1)Life doesn’t have to be this way
Life doesn’t have to be this way
Don’t believe what you’ve been told
Fight back before you’re bought and sold
It’s time we make the world we need
2)Don’t let yourself be cast aside
Don’t let yourself be cast aside
You’re more than just another cog
You don’t just live to feed the hogs
It’s time to make the world we need.
3)Don’t have to live so helplessly
Don’t have to live so helplessly
See all these strangers next to you
They need your help, you need theirs too.
It’s time we make the world we need
4)Look all around, then step outside
Look all around, then step outside
You’re not the only one with scars
Here in the gutter but looking at stars
It’s time we make the world we need
4)Don’t have to lay their helplessly
Don’t have to lay their helplessly
See all these strangers next to you
They need your help, you need theirs too.
It’s time we make the world we need
5)Get up before the early light
Get up before the early light
Join hands with everyone in pain
With everybody left out in the rain
It’s time we make the world we need
6)Are you afraid? well, I was too
Are you afraid? well, I was too
Don’t know for sure how this will end
But we will fight this fight as friends
It’s time we make the world we need.
7)You’ve got to learn you’ve got to teach
You’ve got to learn you’ve got to teach
Help write the textbook, be the source
Then study so you’ll pass the course.
It’s time we make the world we need
8)Don’t have a party or a line
Don’t have a party or a line
We’ll free ourselves from down below
We’ll shine life up and make it glow
It’s time we make the world we need.
9)And when we’re finally truly free
And when we’re finally truly free
We’ll dance where we once had to bow
We’ll sing the words that we write now
It’s time to make the world we need.
(I'm also considering changing the order of some of the verses).
Wed, 2012-04-04 21:46
#3
Not hearing a song makes it hard to criticize the lyrics. I will try if you take it in the manner it's intended, positively. Presentation: verse 3 doubles up with the second verse 4, I assume that's a typo. The story telling part is quite clear and well done, you point of view is clear. The rhyming is overall well done except the "hogs" in the second verse. While I get your intent it seems a bit of a forced rhyme. Hearing the song may make all the difference, as read, repeating the first line in each verse may be putting the emphasis on the opening part of each verse rather than the ending which I believe is the soul of the song. In that vein, making the last line identical in every verse may take away from the significance as the repetition can become expected and sometimes ignored.
Just my two cents. I've been writing songs since I was 15 but that doesn't mean I know anything about it.
Wed, 2012-04-04 21:53
#4
_________________________________________________________________________________________________ Our Demands Most Moderate are/ We Only Want The World! -James ConnollyNot hearing a song makes it hard to criticize the lyrics. I will try if you take it in the manner it's intended, positively. Presentation: verse 3 doubles up with the second verse 4, I assume that's a typo. The story telling part is quite clear and well done, you point of view is clear. The rhyming is overall well done except the "hogs" in the second verse. While I get your intent it seems a bit of a forced rhyme. Hearing the song may make all the difference, as read, repeating the first line in each verse may be putting the emphasis on the opening part of each verse rather than the ending which I believe is the soul of the song. In that vein, making the last line identical in every verse may take away from the significance as the repetition can become expected and sometimes ignored.
Just my two cents. I've been writing songs since I was 15 but that doesn't mean I know anything about it.
Thanks for catching the typo. I switched those two verses and didn't renumber properly.
Have now reworked the second verse as follows
(ignore the weird "internet explorer" stuff. I'm cutting and pasting from a Word document and that may be causing that.)
Don’t let yourself be cast aside
Don’t let yourself be cast aside
You’re not a number, not a cog
You ‘re not just slop to feed the hog
It’s time to make the world we need.
Thanks for the comments on the first and last lines as well.
Wed, 2012-04-04 21:55
#5
Like that rhyming much better. Small changes can make a difference. I'd like to hear it when it's done.
Wed, 2012-04-04 22:52
#6
I will give you a chance to return the critique, if you're interested.
1) Its not easy being crazy
Though you'd think it would be
Dont understand what their all saying
And why they are all yelling at me
Their language is familiar, but
Their words they don't rhyme
I'm sure it's important what they are yelling in my mind
But it's not easy, being
Crazy
2) The other day God spoke to me
Dont remember what he said
Something about being for the living, and
Nothing at all about the dead
His language was familiar, but
His words didn't even rhyme
I know I should have listened but I didn't have much time
Cause it's not easy, being
Crazy
3) it's not easy being crazy
Though you'd think it might be
No it's not easy being crazy
At least it's not easy for me.
4) Thought I understood the meaning of life
Now that would really be insane
Thought I understood the feeling of love, and
Why it carries so much pain
My language is familiar and my words I try to rhyme
People are fearful
When I'm near them for a time
No, it's not easy being crazy
5) it's not easy being crazy
Though you'd think it might be
No it's not easy being crazy
At least it's not easy for me
ETA: that should heve been a private message, sorry about that it's your thread.
Wed, 2012-04-04 23:11
#7
I might have some suggestions...but would you prefer me to send them in a pm?
Wed, 2012-04-04 23:15
#8
Public is fine Ken. I didn't want to hijack your thread with my stuff. I should have sent you my stuff in a PM to avoid derailing your feedback.
Wed, 2012-04-04 23:18
#9
New version is great
Wed, 2012-04-04 23:22
#10
Thanks
Wed, 2012-04-04 23:23
#11
And, for anyone else who might have any additional comments, here's a later, somewhat shortened and altered version of the lyrics I was working on...
(Again...igrnore the Microsoft programming garbage...Jeez...what did I ever do to Bill Gates?)
1)Don’t have to waste your life that way
Just treading water day to day
Don’t just believe what you’ve been told
You’re not just here to be bought and sold
It’s time we make the world we need
2)Don’t let yourself be cast aside
Like you were driftwood on the tide
You’re not a number, not a cog
You ‘re not just slop to feed the hog
Come help us make the world we need.
3)Look through your window, walk out the door
Go where you’ve always gone before
Now you’ll see other folks with scars
Down in the gutter, looking at stars,
All set to make the world we need.
4)There is no party, there’s no line
Nobody leads or falls behind.
There’s only folks who hurt like you
We need your help, you need ours too.
So we can make the world we need.
5)We’ll start before the first cold light
We’ll find a gentle way to fight
We’ll join with everyone in pain,
All people left out in the rain.
To somehow make the world we need
6)Are you afraid? well, we were too
We were as lost and scared as you
No way to know how this all will end
But we will stand together, friend
Until we make the world we need.
7)And, when we’re finally truly free,
No one left in misery,
We’ll dance where we once had to bow
We’ll sing our songs so proudly now
When we have made the world we need.
(repeat last line several times)
Wed, 2012-04-04 23:51
#12
NO problem(this is in resposne to post #8).
I like the basic structure of the song...I think the one thing I'd do would be to find some way to illustrate the concept of "crazy" more.
You could, possibly, take the song a little bit out of metre at times...perhaps, having some of the lines "scan" less precisely as you go to the place where "craziness" lives in you.
Have a good Wednesday.
Tue, 2012-04-17 01:49
#13
Songwriting is a solitary pursuit by the looks of it.