Bump! I still hate Christmas!
Reading this thread again made me all happy for all the Christmas hate out there.
But!
I love this guy. The link is fucking hilarious.
The 2015 Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog
Item #91-7313240 – SODASTREAM PENGUIN SPARKLING WATER MAKER ($199.95)
Copy: “EXCLUSIVE. Turns tap water into sparkling water … cannot be shipped outside the contiguous 48 states.”
Drew Says: Why do I want my Sodastream to be shaped like a penguin? That just makes it look like the penguin is shitting carbonated diarrhea out of its butt.
Item #91-832522 – ASSORTED GINGERBREAD MUG TOPPER ($19.95)
Copy: “Handcrafted gingerbread cookies perch on the rim of mugs. Set of three.”
Drew Says: How am I supposed to drink my hot cocoa when there’s a fucking house in the way? Like, if the point is to present the mug WITH the cookie house hanging off of it, and then you take it off to drink it, why put the cookie house there to begin with? I could go get a pound of Murray Ginger Snaps for two bucks if I want. Three of these idiot houses are $20! There’s not even a fourth one for Daddy. My mug is NAKED without it.
Item #91-193594 - COOKIE PRESS ($34.95)
Copy: “Our cookie press is a baker’s dream come true. Just fill the barrel with dough and pull the lever.”
Drew says: COOKIE GUN. Fuck yeah! Load me up and I will take out an entire cookie swap with that fucker. PEW PEW PEW 50 snickerdoodles right in Priscilla Purrington’s grill. YOU CAN TAKE MY COOKIE GUN FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS. That’ll teach her not to have a grosgrain table runner.
By the way, it’s obviously insane to shell out $35 for a cookie bazooka when you can achieve a reasonably similar result using a stupid cookie cutter. The cookie gun will go right into your dustbin along with the infamous waffle batterdispenser and cracker spinner. The truth is that to have a functional kitchen, you only need a few items. A cookie cannon is not one of them.