Chip in to keep stories like these coming.

This piece originally appeared on The Beaverton and is reprinted with permission.

OTTAWA — According to a report by the Conservative government, over 12,000 federal public servants have tested positive for opinions.

All civil servants must be tested for all forms of viewpoints every month and at random times to ensure no political bias interferes with their work.

“We are rigorously investigating all of these employees,” said Minister of Employment Pierre Poilievre, Chairperson of the House of Commons Committee on un-Canadian activities. “Canadians are threatened by public servants under the influence of dangerous critical thought and rationalism. We must drive these radical thinkers out of Ottawa!”

One loose-lipped employee of Parks Canada tested positive when he publicly expressed his distaste for coffee, which could be perceived as being in opposition to the Canada-Colombia Free Trade Agreement and therefore partisan. That public servant has since been terminated and faces possible charges of treason.

According to sources, Poilievre was set to interrogate a Parliamentary cafeteria worker about her purported free-thinking ways.  

This piece originally appeared on The Beaverton

Follow The Beaverton on twitter and facebook right. now.