The Satire Project: A letter from Pierre Poutine to his masters

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Attn: Alien Masters at Koch Brothers International

Dear Andrew and David:

I have hijacked 90 per cent of the B.C. Salmon harvest and, pursuant to your orders, I have rendered the resulting slurry into fuel suitable for our android the Prime Minister. The pot-smoking halfwits of British Columbia can mourn their pink friends with “Hug a Fish Day” while the extracted Omega 3s fuel their worst enemy.

My Masters, I apologize for the apparent lack of respect but please forgive me for saying that it was a miscalculation to program the Prime Minister to sing "With a Little Help From My Friends." The Harper-Bot has none. Next time, we should program it to sing a Beatles tune that truly describes our feelings toward the Canadian public: "Happiness is a Warm Gun."

Harper at the CPC Christmas Party

…it was a miscalculation to program the Prime Minister to sing "With a Little Help From My Friends."

As an aside, gutting Canadians' freedoms and rights and presenting it as a single Omnibus Budget Bill is a brilliant scheme. It is not like anyone in Canada actually pays attention to the news -- especially the budget. Our plan whereby Parliament becomes a minor puppet of the U.S. Congress is nearly complete. By the time these poor saps come down from their maple syrup sugar highs and awaken from their beer-induced comas, we will have them singing "The Star Spangled Banner" at baseball games. The Majority is safe!

Speaking of sports, dear Masters, I have had the Gary Bettman Robot lock out the NHLPA. Talking about this hockey strike takes up the air space that would otherwise have been dedicated to reporting on our evisceration of Canada's freedoms. I will be rewarding the Bettman unit for its good work with the heart of a pig.

Finally, I must say that I find it ironic, dear Masters, that the press has dubbed my communications campaign during the last election "robocalling." Little did the press know that in claiming the Conservatives were sending out robocalls that it was in fact robots doing the calling.

I am happy that you, my Masters, find it amusing that low-level staffers have attempted to raise their own profile by denying that they are me. Michael Sona does not even approximate the intelligence and skill that it takes to do what I do. I find it delicious that the media is most ready to devour these insignificant individuals rather than bothering to look for me at all.

With your permission, I am off to lubricate myself with BC Salmon oil.

Your servant,

Pierre Poutine




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