Where's the Mulk when you need him?

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Before he was chosen as leader of the NDP, and assumed the position of leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition, all we really knew about Tom Mulcair was that he was a loose cannon, a hothead always a hair's breadth away from taking the head off whoever happened to be standing closest to him.

So where's the fire and the passion that we were promised? Are his handlers dosing his morning coffee with thorazine? Has he given himself over to a life of meditation? Does he think that being a soft-spoken human thesaurus is the way to win over the electorate?

Take, for instance, his widely-lauded Question Period cross-examination of Stephen Harper over Nigel Wright's payout to Senator Mike Duffy. Seriously? Calm, cool and collected? We don't think that what the government is doing should be met with serenity.

We don't want calm Tom. We want the raging, seething, forehead-vein-popping apoplectitude we were promised. So we decided to rewrite the past in the hopes that it will provide some guidance for the future. Tom, if you're listening, you need to MULK OUT!

Hansard, Question Period, May 28th, 2013

Thomas Mulcair, Leader of the Opposition

Mr. Speaker, has the RCMP contacted the Prime Minister's Office to obtain emails or any other documents that it has in relation to Nigel Wright's cheque to Senator Duffy?

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister

Mr. Speaker, to my knowledge we have had no such contact.

Any information we have that is relevant we will reveal immediately.

Thomas Mulcair, Leader of the Opposition

Mr. Speaker, who did the Prime Minister task with managing the crisis surrounding illegal Senate expenses?

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister

Mr. Speaker, I do not fully understand the question.

Obviously, the Senate is responsible for managing its expenses and business, but because of recent events, the Senate has asked other authorities to investigate. Investigations are ongoing. We are adamant that those who acted inappropriately will be held accountable.

Thomas Mulcair, Leader of the Opposition

Mr. Speaker, allow me to rephrase the question in terms that the Prime Minister will understand. Who gave the order to have that lapdog banker of yours cut the cheque?

Some hon. members

[Boos, hisses].

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister

Mr. Speaker, the NDP leader knows full well that we cannot discuss cabinet matters.

Thomas Mulcair, Leader of the Opposition

So you are using parliamentary rules to protect your Bay Street friend, but when he disregards those same rules, that's fine? I'm warning you Harper, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry…

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister

Mr. Speaker, I don't appreciate the tone of the Leader of the NDP.

The Speaker, Andrew Scheer

Would the honourable leader of the opposition please be more respectful in his questions?

Thomas Mulcair, Leader of the Opposition

[Sounds of tearing fabric].

More respectful? We're talking about bribery, misuse of parliamentary resources, hiding evidence, and outright corruption! Where's the respect for the Canadian people? Mr. Prime Minister, what are you hiding? Who has control of this Conservative party slush fund? Were you planning on paying back Nigel Wright with taxpayer-subsidized political funds? How can you stand there and pretend that your actions are defensible?

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister

Mr. Speaker, given the disrespectful tone of the leader of the NDP, I don't find it necessary to answer any further questions.

Thomas Mulcair, Leader of the Opposition

YOU'LL ANSWER MY QUESTIONS! YOU'LL ANSWER TO THE CANADIAN PEOPLE! YOU'LL–

The Speaker, Andrew Scheer

Order, order! Will the honourable leader of the opposition please put his shirt back on!? Will the honourable leader of the opposition please…OH MY GOD!

Some hon. members

Oh my god, oh no, not the clerk's table! [Incomprehensible screams, sounds of furniture smashing].

Thomas Mulcair, Leader of the Opposition

[Muffled roars]

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister

No, please, have mercy! Please, Tom, I promise I'll come clean! Please, no, pl…

[screaming, distinct sound of ripping flesh]

***

Of course we aren't advocating murder per se, but we would definitely like to see Tom Mulcair drop his cold, collected act and start to show a little anger. In fact, a lot of anger.

Andreas Krebs is the publisher of riotwire.com, where this article was originally published. rabble.ca is a co-promotional partner with riotwire, Canada's new hub for political satire. 

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