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OTTAWA – A poll conducted among the that-one-unbearable-person-on-facebook demographic has shown that the Conservative party is polling above 95 per cent.

“Polls of people with any basic decency show Harper coming in a distant third,” said pollster Margaret Duchamp. “But that seems to be exactly why the country’s that-one-friend-on-facebook-whose-profile-picture-is-him-shooting-a-gun-or-holding-a-fish is supporting him so strongly.”

Pollsters say that the one-person-on-facebook demographic overlaps heavily with the ‘weird uncle’, the ‘cousin’s friend you met once’, and the ‘guy who wore a blazer in high school’ demographics.

“Harper is the only candidate who won’t bring in a carbon tax,” said that-one-friend-on-facebook-who-you-would-grudgingly-acknowledge-knowing-in-real-life, in response to a post reminding people to register to vote. “Here’s a .gif of someone rolling their eyes that refutes your argument about how a carbon tax would be a good thing.”

Canada’s that-person-you-have-on-facebook-but-with-whom-you-aren’t-‘friends’-per-se has shown his support for the Conservatives by entering into drawn-out flame wars with intelligent, kind people on the nation’s facebook walls, as well as by posting a series of memes which he seems to have created himself.

“I support the Harper Conservatives precisely because of their strong environmental policy,” said the person-you-were-lab-partners-with-in-second-year-and-would-feel-rude-deleting, bafflingly. “On an unrelated note, I also feel the need to remind you about my unconditional support of either the Monarchy or Ron Paul: sometimes, weirdly, both.”

At press time, the nation had begun to miss that-one-friend-on-facebook after his niche in their newsfeed had been filled by aunt-who-strongly-believes-in-homeopathy.

This piece originally appeared on The Beaverton 

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