Strictly confidential!!!!
To: All delegates to next week’s Conservative convention in Calgary
First, about the Senate: No prob here. We’ve successfully changed the channel.
Second, it is very important that all of you are aware of the Prime Minister’s future plans.
You will recall a Rob Ford event a couple of years ago when the PM announced that “It’s time to complete the hat trick and do it provincially as well”. We have Canada. We have Toronto. We want Ontario. And we won’t take no for an answer.
First we must re-elect our great friend Mayor Ford. So the PM has gifted the Mayor with a $660 million campaign contribution, supposedly for some subway or other that probably will never be built. But seriously: What do subways have to do with it?
Just trust us that the strict municipal donation limit of $2,500 doesn’t apply here, so we’re donating 264,000 times that limit.
You may hear that other mayors are furious that they’re being ignored. But did you know that Gregor Robertson Of Vancouver is an NDipper and Jim Watson of Ottawa a Tax-and-Spend Liberal? Enough said. Anyways, our own Jim Flaherty says he made the Toronto subway announcement “because the mayor wrote to us and asked.” Tough tush if other mayors aren’t as literate as our Rob.
Look: Stephen Harper’s commitment to Mayor Ford’s re-election is irreversible. Sure, Toronto’s mayor is not exactly the perfect poster boy for our party, which is 1000 per cent devoted to law n’ order. Of course the liberal media like the Globe keep harping on the Mayor’s brushes with the law and his intimate contacts with Toronto’s underworld. Listen: If they don’t like it they know what they can do with it. T.O. needs Rob, and frankly, it deserves Rob. Who else has had the guts and transparency to answer a question about pot like he did: “oh yeah, I’ve smoked a lot of it.” You gotta love this guy.
Anyway, just remember that we need Mayor Ford to deliver the “Ford Nation” to Toronto Conservatives in the 2015 federal election. And watch out for that Olivia Chow if she runs against him. She’s a very wily girl.
As for Ontario, planning has begun. We began undermining the corrupt, dishonest Liberal government there some time back. Finance Minister Jim was in the middle of that one too. Remember when he warned prospective investors that “the last place you will go is the province of Ontario.” Oh sure, some wussies wondered whether attempting to damage the Ontario economy wasn’t a little much. But you know The Boss’s motto: Politics Is War And We Fight To Win.
Right now we’re working hard to figure out who actually leads the Ontario PCs — a trickier task than you might imagine. You may know that our Ontario Conservative brethren have had three leaders in the past two years, each of them, confusingly enough, called Tim Hudak. We will explain simply. First, Tim Hudak, having blown the 2011 provincial election, publicly disappeared himself last year, replacing himself with a real conservative named Tim Hudak. Please follow carefully — this is a tad complicated. Then a mere two weeks ago, this Tim Hudak publicly dispatched himself and replaced himself with Tim Hudak, this time a real Conservative.
Be patient. This can all be explained. The first Tim Hudak ran a great campaign that invoked fear, divisiveness, wedge issues, chain gangs, gay bashing and attacks on “foreign workers” (sometimes called Canadians). Somehow it didn’t work and Tim Hudak was humiliated, as he courageously confessed to his demoralized Base, “The fact of the matter is that I, as your leader, did not give sufficient voice to a bold, Conservative alternative.”
So the new Tim Hudak introduced a whole bunch of White Papers that we were all very proud of, guaranteeing class warfare and even greater inequality when he becomes premier. But life is not always fair. This Tim Hudak too went on to mortifying defeat, this time in by-elections that seemed shoo-ins. Once again leaders of your party realized we needed another new leader, a really real reactionary. So this Tim Hudak too made the supreme sacrifice, offing himself publicly at the recent Ontario party convention. Like his predecessor Tim Hudak, this Tim Hudak also stepped down to be replaced by Tim Hudak, Ontario’s very own version of Texas’s magnificent Senator Ted Cruz. Now is that quite clear?
Fellow Conservatives, faithful members of The Base, we’ve nailed it this time in Ontario. Listen to these words from a proud delegate to the Ontario convention: “Right now our party image is heartless , business-oriented, money first and not caring enough about people”. Hear that? Success at last!!! This is what all Conservatives strive for. Can the hat trick The Chief called for be far behind?
P.S. Don’t sweat the Senate stuff. Mayor Ford is NOT writing a character reference for Mike Duffy. At least we hope not.
Image derived from flickr/lewolf011
Support rabble today!
We’re so glad you stopped by! Thanks for consuming rabble content this year.
rabble.ca is 100% reader and donor funded, so as an avid reader of our content, we hope you will consider gifting rabble with a donation during our summer fundraiser today.
Whether it be a one-time donation or a small monthly contribution, your support is critical to keep rabble writers producing the work you’ve come to rely on as a part of a healthy media diet.
Become a rabble rouser — donate to rabble.ca today.
Nick Seebruch, editor
