The last months of political intrigue has seen B.C. politics at its best — or worst, depending on your sense of humour. Even the most jaded will have to admit that the semi-controlled implosions of Gordon Campbell and Carole James almost in lock step made for pretty decent political theatre. Now all we need is for the Greens to jettison the hapless Jane Sterk and we can call it a hat trick.

Funny, yes, but the joke may be on the rest of us since those now lining up for the premier spot at the political trough are a collection of some of the most boring politicos of recent memory in this or any other province. Let’s do this in rank order, pun intended, and see just what we can look forward to in the coming months.

On the Liberal side of the barn is Christy Clark, most recently of CKNW talk show fame, formerly a pretty undistinguished Minister of Education (2001-04) and even less distinguished Minister of Children and Family Development (2004). Of course she was also Deputy Premier, but if you can remember anything she did in this role, you should win some sort of prize. Clark bailed before the 2005 election, officially to “spend more time with her family.” Maybe a wise choice since her family at the time included ex-husband Mark Marissen, a good ole boy ensconced with both the federal and provincial Liberals, whose fingerprints are all over the Railgate mess. We may never know how deep his involvement went given the uber-convenient plea bargin of Basi and Virk, but only the criminally retarded would suggest that Clark didn’t have an inkling that some chickens might come home to roost if she stayed the political course. She was, after all Deputy Premier….

Well, Christy, maybe you think that dumping Mark took Railgate out of your life for good — and maybe you will turn out to be right given the lickspittle nature of most of those scribbling for the corporate fourth estate. Still, 24 Hours has Bob Mackin and The Courier and The Straight have some reporters who might just decide to pursue the story. I’m thinking this is going to be the political equivalent of a bad hair day, not overtly fatal, but taking some cover up for sure on an ongoing basis if any of these reporters start a game of pin the Railgate donkey tail on Barbie.

Next we have George Abbott, a gent who has been a MLA since 1996. Abbott followed Clark as Minister of Education (2005-09) before taking on Aboriginal Relations and Reconciliation (2009-10) and then Community, Aboriginal and Women’s Services and Minister of Sustainable Resource Management. Any significant accomplishments from these tasks jump out at you? Thought not.

How about Mike De Jong, MLA since 1994. De Jong has been Attorney General and Government House Leader (2009-10), Minister of Public Safety and Solicitor General, and Minister of Aboriginal Relations and Reconciliation. Woohoo! He did what precisely?

Best of all is my favourite, Kevin Falcon, MLA since 2001, Minister of Transportation (2004-09), then Minister of Health Services (2009-10). Falcon has the destruction of Eagleridge Bluffs as his prime accomplishment in the former role, the suggestion of “medical tourism” in the second. Unlike the others who are merely simpletons, Falcon is actually a really nasty piece of work and vindictive as hell. Just ask the folks who watched Eagleridge turn into sawdust.

Last so far is Moira Stilwell, a relative newcomer (2009) who has held two portfolios: Minister of Regional Economic and Skills Development (2010), Minister of Education and Labour Market Development (2009-10). About the only positive thing one can say about Stilwell is that she hasn’t been around long enough to have contributed to the mess the province is in.

Overall, a pretty shoddy band of non-entities who I wouldn’t let babysit my seven-year-old, let alone run the province. To paraphrase Winston Churchill, these are mostly modest men and women…who have much to be modest about.

Who’s up to replace James on the NDP side of the Leg? Maybe Mike Farnsworth, opposition critic for Public Safety and the Solicitor General. The best one could say is that Farnsworth is a loyal spear carrier, but hardly leadership material.

This leaves which shining lights of the “left”? The names that seem to crop up are John Horgan, Harry Lali, and Spencer Chandra Herbert, Adrian Dix, and Bruce Ralston, none exactly household names for most B.C.ers given what little they’ve done so far and might be likely to do before 2013. Finally, there is George Heyman of the B.C. Sierra Club, an organization that had absolutely nil to say about Eagleridge Bluffs and the Callaghan. Thanks, George, given this I’m sure, we can count on you to protect the environment…as long as it’s not controversial.

Rafe Mair, a man I quite admire, has suggested that former Liberal turned NDPer Gordon Wilson with or without the aid of someone like the Conservative’s Chris Delaney could be the ticket. Ticket to what? It’s one thing to support our main provincial crop, Rafe, it’s a whole different thing to use it before making such a dumbass suggestion.

And of course, the current man of the hour is the former disgraced premier, Bill Van der Zalm.

Buff any or all of them to your heart’s content, but as the army aphorism correctly has it, “you can’t polish a turd.” Or a hack.

So Happy New political year. Judging by the current crop, it’s going to be weird, or boring, or both.