Rob Ford's left-wing conspiracy theory

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Congratulations, fellow left-wingers.

Like me, you probably thought that Rob Ford was ousted from his mayor-ship this week by the same "stubborn sense of entitlement" and "dismissive" and "confrontational" attitude he has consistently shown since he was elected to the city's top job. But no. Not at all. 

I only found out when Rob himself spilled the beans, shortly after the judgment removing him from office was announced, that it really was our conspiracy that did him in.

Wow. Frankly, until our Mr. (almost) Ex-Mayor explained differently in that post-ruling press conference, I'd been feeling that our conspiracy was a bit of a bust. Stephen Harper, I'm looking at you.

I had no idea that we had actually taken over the judiciary, for example. That is truly impressive. Especially since whenever I talk to my left-wing cell members, we have a rousing good chat and then agree to disagree, make our way home, maybe watch a little Jon Stewart and go to bed.

I know Ford recanted the next day, saying he respected the court's decision, which, of course, he has nonetheless decided to appeal. But did you see him actually say those words?

Not an ounce of authenticity there. Just fear and dread infusing those red cheeks. Don't you think Ford is worried that our heretofore unknown mole, Justice Charles Hackland, who heard this case, might take offence at being exposed as one of the linchpins of our plot? 

All I know is that the same conspiracy that took over Rob Ford's mind and made him behave so flagrantly outside any sense of accountability to the rules of democracy was written all over the scene. You could see the invisible force that was squeezing the words out of him. By the time Ford got to the part of his brief statement (as usual, no questions) where he sorta said he might be sorry, the sound could barely exit his constricted throat.

Only the words "respect for the tax-payers" pass his lips with ease. It isn't just a justice here or a conflict of interest code there. In Rob Ford's world, integrity, accountability and the rule of law are themselves a disrespectful affront to the taxpayer. Who do you think foots the bill, after all?

So any time you see actual democracy in action, we now know that it is advancing our plot. But keep that quiet for now, just in case.

This article was first published in NOW Magazine.

Photo: Francis Mariani/Flickr

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