Does anyone in Washington besides Colin Powell realize there’s a war going on? While the Secretary of State is on a peace mission to Pakistan, India and Afghanistan, Vice-President Dick Cheney is still missing in action (the image of him on the cover of Vanity Fair is definitely a wax figure) and Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was spotted schmoozing with celebrities at the Washington premiere of the film Black Hawk Down.

Meanwhile, the commander-in-chief spent Sunday lying on the couch watching the National Football League wild card playoffs, all alone, with only a bag of pretzels and Barney and Spot for company.

No one would have known that the president had so much time on his hands if not for the unfortunate fainting debacle — about which several questions remain: What kind of fall off a sofa results in bruises like that? Had the president been drinking? Where were the First Lady and their daughters?

How exactly do dogs look concerned? And were Barney and Spot even reacting to the president’s choke and tumble or were they just bummed out by the Dolphins’ disappointing defeat?

Some Americans might be heartened to find out that their president is just regular folks, a guy who likes to kick back in front of the TV on the weekend. Trouble is, he’s not just some working stiff, but the leader of world’s only superpower, one that only four months ago was the victim of a massive terrorist attack and one that, with all the best military and intelligence resources behind it, has yet to track down the man who masterminded the plan.

No one’s begrudging George W.’s right to down time, but isn’t there something more productive he could do with it? Like getting a tutorial on nationalities, for instance — “People from India are Indians. People from Pakistan are what, Mr. President?” — or coming up with a way to explain his administration’s close ties to the scandal-plagued Enron?

Speaking of having some ‘splaining to do, will Mayor Mel (Easy Rider) Lastman survive his 150 millionth gaffe? (Here’s a fun coincidence: Bush’s pretzel injuries bore a striking resemblance to the black eye Lastman once sported, which he said was caused by hitting himself in the face with a telephone.)

The scariest thing about the whole Hells Angels handshake is that I believe Lastman. I truly believe he had no idea what he was doing and what the implications would be. The even scarier thing is: That just about sums up his entire career as mayor.

The only good news in politics these days is the trend of politicians leaving office for “family concerns.”

First, Premier Mike Harris announced his plans to step down in order to reconcile with his estranged wife — if by “reconciling with my wife,” he meant: “I don’t think my political career can survive both the Walkerton inquiry and the Dudley George inquest. Hmmm, I wonder if I can get Ernie Eves’ old job at that bank.”

Then, federal Industry Minister Brian Tobin announced he’s retiring from politics to “spend more time with my family” — if by “spending more time with my family,” he meant: “Jean plans to rule from beyond the grave and, anyway, Manley’s war on terrorism trumps my turbot war big time.”

“It’s amazing what the glow of a Christmas tree will do to civilize even the most savage political beast,” Tobin gushed at a press conference. Now, if only other politicians had Tobin’s holiday time epiphany.

Lastman’s a perfect candidate for retirement — and he, allegedly, has a couple of families that he could spend more time with. Or Jim Flaherty, the provincial finance minister, who, in his bid for party leadership, has promised to make teachers’ strikes illegal. Isn’t his family feeling a little neglected?

Or Ernie Eves, who, in his early campaigning, promoted a two-tier health-care system — though he is now furiously backpedalling. I guess when he said that the rich could pay for speedier and better service, what he really meant to say was “high quality health care should be available to everyone equally.” Eves has already retired from politics once, is it too much to ask that he go off again to “spend more time with his family?”

As for George W., well, with all the time he spends playing with his dogs and watching football, doesn’t it seem like the man already thinks he’s retired? If only he could just find Laura and the girls.