Everything I needed to know in life, I’ve learned from my spam folder. Well, not quite everything, but sorting through the myriad bulk e-mails that I receive everyday is certainly an instructive process — especially since I stopped manually deleting them about a month ago (as part of the “research” for this column).

The most important thing I’ve learned is that spammers are not really that different from mainstream advertisers. They know that we’re all busy people with a lot on our minds, so they need to find ways to make us pay attention to their sales pitches. There are two main ways of doing that:

1) They try to trick us

In most cases, recipients will simply delete any unsolicited bulk mail (if it even gets through their spam filter). But, what if you’re a columnist and someone sends you an e-mail entitled “Press Release” or “Today’s News Headlines” (there are 14 of those — for this week alone — sitting in my spam folder right now)? You might be inclined to open it. What if you’re a Rogers HiSpeed customer and you keep getting e-mails that say they’re from [email protected]? If you haven’t already been warned that that one is a virus, you may very well click on it.

Some spam tries to draw us in by having subject headers like “Your order,” “One more thing,” “Hey buddy,” or “Further to our last conversation.” Some leaves the subject line blank (or say simply “Message subject”), while others are so cryptic that people might want to open the messages just to see what they are all about. Some examples of the last phenomenon include:

  • “Be accept my are proportionate”
  • “Re: nineteenth unpopular”
  • “you allow to tape loincloth”
  • “I pgdaj gd” (Iâe(TM)m not even sure what language that is)
  • “Re: song peaceable”

As well, as mainstream advertisers know, there is nothing like a celebrity endorsement to sell a product. As far as I can tell, there are few celebrities who are actually signing on to spam advertising campaigns. I can only assume that I am being misled when spammers tell me that “Jennifer Lopez / Kevin Costner / Paris Hilton ordered one and they love it.”

Other senders try to adopt names that sound either like celebrities or like someone you might know. My favourite internet discussion forum at rabble’s own babble has had several amusing threads on the subject of the names spam senders adopt (you could look them up).

2) They try to appeal to our basest instincts

For some people, there’s nothing like a chance to get rich quick to get them to respond to an internet offer. Nigerian e-mail scams have become so ubiquitous that I’m sorry to admit that I can’t hear the word “Nigerian” without mentally adding the words “e-mail scam” (sort of like “French pastry,” “Canadian hockey” or “American imperialism”). If I were prone to responding to such offers, there are plenty to choose from. In fact, there’s a veritable bidding war going on right now in my spam folder:

  • “Mrs. Delores Hoskins has $458,000.00 for you”
  • “Mrs. Natalie Lam has $520,000.00 for you”
  • “Here is $272,365.00”
  • “Mrs. Adam Gray has $318,000.00 for your family”
  • “Would $244 more each month help?”

Other internet users may be looking for a way to save money by taking out a discount mortgage or buying software, printer cartridges, Rolex watches and Viagra (or any other pharmaceuticals) online. There is no shortage of people offering to help them get what they want.

Then, of course, there’s something that drives people crazy even more than money — sex! According to my inbox, there are thousands of local women who want to have sex with me (they may not be all that particular, as other men have told me that they’ve received similar offers). In fact, I’m told that 71 per cent of members of one particular group of respondents got laid. Those are pretty impressive numbers, but they may not be verifiable.

But, you can’t be packing just any equipment if you want to get in on this action. I’ve calculated that the fastest growing area of the global economy seems to be the burgeoning penis enlargement industry. As far as I’ve been able to determine, this industry barely existed prior to the widespread use of the internet. When you consider the spin-off jobs (e.g. millions of men needing to buy an entirely new wardrobe — or at least a closet full of new pants — to accommodate their newly expanded penises; chiropractors needing to do adjustments on all of the men who have thrown out their backs due to the added weight between their legs), the growth potential of this business must be enormous.

Ultimately, now that I have software to keep these messages out of my Inbox, I’m no more concerned about the proliferation of spam than I am about the proliferation of advertising in other spaces in my life. What is of more concern is that these dubious marketing tactics must be working with someone (or they would try something else). What does that say about our education system?

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Scott Piatkowski

Scott Piatkowski is a former columnist for rabble.ca. He wrote a weekly column for 13 years that appeared in the Waterloo Chronicle, the Woolwich Observer and ECHO Weekly. He has also written for Straight...