A few weeks ago I was in the middle of a number of unfortunate situations with women, in these cases women older than I am, who identify as feminists but seemed to blithely treat other women like poop. I thought to myself: Ageism! I thought: Sexism! I thought: Iâe(TM)m going to write about theseâe¦ these, theseâe¦ feminots!

That was a few weeks ago. I tried the idea on a number of other women, older and younger, and everyone got pretty charged by it. âeoeYes, yes!âe theyâe(TM)d say. âeoeIâe(TM)ve experienced that. The hypocrisy is infuriating!âe

I found myself jotting notes and examples from my own life with fervour. I left myself voicemails while I was out so I wouldnâe(TM)t forget. I began day-dreaming, tangentially I admit, about the sound-alike feminauts* âe” flying through space, boldly charting fabulous new feminist territory and wearing lots of shiny things, zapping feminots and hypocrites of all kinds with the light of truth and justiceâe¦ Sigh.

But mostly I thought about the stark division between the women I know who live their politics, who inspire me and make the world better in so many quiet and unseen, super-local ways simply by the way they treat others, and those whose regular treatment of the women around them fails to live up to feminismâe(TM)s most basic tenetâe”that all women deserve fair and respectful treatment. (And would a little appreciation every once in a while be so bad? But I digress again.)

As I sat down to write, though, my feelings got a little cloudier. After all, I thought, Iâe(TM)m hardly unbiased. Iâe(TM)m the poopee in all the situations that fired me up and not the pooper. How many times have I unknowingly been the feminot in another womanâe(TM)s storyline?

Itâe(TM)s my sincere hope that those times are few and far between, but they must exist. Weâe(TM)ve all been in situations that read completely differently depending on your role in them. Perhaps Iâe(TM)ve misjudged these women whoâe(TM)ve been, by turns, nasty, dismissive, undermining and disrespectful. Perhaps I should allow the multi-flawed patriarchy to shoulder the blame alone.

And thereâe(TM)s my own part: Iâe(TM)ve rarely tried to raise the issues directly; Iâe(TM)ve been known to be a little idealistic, maybe my standards are too high. The fire that had been raging in my belly wavered, fizzled, started giving off a lot of smoke.

Maybe I should write about toe cleavage, I thought.

Unfortunately for you foot fetishists, the feeling that I was letting myself down wouldnâe(TM)t go away. I kept thinking about the situations that had angered me in the first place. And of the stories others had shared with me in response. My stomach flipped and flopped then began a slow burn.

Hereâe(TM)s the thing. Ageism is real. Sexism is real. So is racism and heterosexism and classism. What kind of feminist would I be if I denied that? They come in all kinds of forms, subtle and not-so-subtle, easy to identify and harder to label, and they are delivered by all kinds of people. Including women. Who call themselves feminists.

Maybe I should retract my new term. Fun as I find it, it might not be as helpful as it could be. Goddess knows Iâe(TM)m sick of the good feminist/bad feminist shtick. (Maybe something a little more open-ended would do the trick? Femiwhaaaat? Feminishâe¦) I donâe(TM)t want to imply that the poopers who inspired this column are all-round horrible people. Each of us can react in ways we sometimes regret. The trick, I think, is to diligently try to take responsibility for that. To question why we make this or that decision. To find out where the knee-jerk responses come from and to do better next time. To apologize.

Because our politics mean something. And the way feminists behave, particularly toward other women, has a real impact âe” both on what feminism is perceived to be and how women feel about themselves, which goes on to have a huge impact on this gendered world. As feminists, we need to keep opening conversations and talking about the insidious ways oppressions operate in our workplaces, families and organizations, and that includes our feminist workplaces and organizations.

And, for something a little sweeter, letâe(TM)s take a moment or two to really value all that unseen good work âe” the truly feminist workplace, the truly feminist counsellor, neighbour, friend, partner, sister. The ones who engage in those crazy ethical struggles, who own up to their mistakes, who are improving the world by the way they try every day. Hereâe(TM)s to you, you wonderful feminists you.