The new mayor of Victoria refused to swear an oath to the Queen, and this made the Monarchist League of Canada really mad. Because Canada has a Monarchist League. They even have a website where you can buy a royal wedding DVD or a $17 “royal grab-bag,” which I assume has a bumper sticker that says “Have your driver honk if you love royalty” and a novelty sponge in the shape of Africa that grows when you soak it in blood.

In our constitutional monarchy, the role of the Crown is to personify the nation. Who better to personify Canada than a rich British lady who heads an institution that enslaved and murdered and pillaged its way around the world for hundreds of years?

The answer to that is literally any Canadian. Even Bonhomme would better personify the nation, in spite of his black, dead, soulless eyes. Nobody likes Bonhomme, he looks like he belongs in a child’s nightmare or in the background of the orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut. But still, a step up.

Before our laws become official, we have to get something called royal assent from the crown. The boilerplate request goes like this: “May it please Your Excellency: The Senate and the House of Commons have passed the following Bill, to which they humbly request Your Excellency’s Assent.:

Why so informal? If we’re going to prove our subservience let’s put some knee grease into it. How about this: “Beloved Commander of Wind, Earth and Sky. Our sincerest apologies for interrupting You mid-wave, but the common rabble has emerged from their cesspool with a law. We thus ask You with utter humility to please consider turning Your noble thoughts to this lowly bill and ONLY if it pleases Your Excellency, Blessed Protector of Earthly Power, signify Your approval by nodding Your head downward only very slightly so as not to put undue strain on Your Divine Trapezius Muscles.”

The monarchy’s defenders say it’s an important symbol. That’s true, it’s an important symbol of the worst of modern human history. It shouldn’t be pledged allegiance to or even celebrated, it should be laughed out of the room. But Bonhomme can stay…for now. 

This video is reposted from The Toronto Star.

Scott Vrooman

Scott has written and performed comedy for TV (Conan, Picnicface, This Hour Has 22 Minutes), radio (This is That), and the web (Vice, Funny or Die, College Humor, The Toronto Star, The Huffington Post,...