Long-awaited 'vice-president' position to be added to Harper cabinet

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Photo: Conservative Party of Canada

Stephen Harper is expected to announce an unprecedented change to the Canadian parliamentary system when he introduces a "vice-president" to his Conservative cabinet next week, sources say. 

It's a startling, if not entirely unexpected move by the Prime Minister, who has long expressed admiration for the American-style republican system and has found his executive vision for Canada repeatedly frustrated by parliamentary protocols and judiciary oversight.

"The time was right," said an unnamed source in the Prime Minister's office. "The Prime Minister has been enamoured for a long time with the policies and ideology that characterized the Bush presidency and with this addition to the cabinet, Parliament Hill will be the next best thing to the White House."

With his disastrous war on drugs, anti-immigration laws, gutting of environmental protections and now, the controversial anti-terror bill C-51, Harper has successfully implemented every Bush-era Republican policy. Many have speculated that a narrowly circulated report produced by the right-wing think tank the Fraser Institute report provided proof that the addition of a Vice Presidential position would speed the passage of any new proposals through parliament.

"We thought, 'Hey, we finally made it to Iraq after all these years -- why not a VP too?'" said a Fraser institute spokesperson over SnapChat.

Previous administrations have included the honorary "Deputy Prime Minister" designation -- Liberal Anne McLellan the most recent -- but Stephen Harper is said to prefer to bestowing folksy nicknames on his most trusted ministers rather than titles: like "Blowhard" Baird and "Righteous" Kenney.

It is rumoured that next month, Harper will announce plans to replace the beaver with the wolverine as Canada's national animal. "Did you know that wolverines urinate on their food to make sure no one else eats it?" asked the Fraser Institute over SnapChat. "That's amazing."

Stephen Harper could not be reached for comment.

 

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