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Stephen Harper is resigning from politics to pursue business interests. Pursue them more directly than he did as a politician. According to his ideology, what’s good for business is good for everyone so he’ll just be serving his country in a different way, a way that happens to be a lot more lucrative. But before he goes, I’d like thank him.

Thank you Stephen Harper, for keeping us safe from pot smokers, scientists, environmentalists, charities and thin pieces of fabric.

Thanks for your commitment to transparency. Specifically making citizens more transparent to our spy agencies.

Thanks for never giving in to left-wing, ecofanatic lies like “humans depend on the biosphere for survival.”

Thanks for your unique brand of impotent militarism, because if we can’t be a powerful empire, we can at least have some War of 1812 commemorative coins on our nightstand to salute before we go to sleep.

Thanks for your efforts at Senate reform, like when you reformed your commitment to reform it and instead appointed dozens of partisan hacks.

Thanks for your commitment to human rights. Especially supporting the rights of humans who own mining companies to trample on the rights of humans who oppose them.

Thanks for helping us understand that to defeat terrorism, all we have to do is kill enough bad guys, and helping us understand that anyone who thinks that strategy is childish and dumb is also a bad guy.

And most of all, thank you for expanding the idea of how Canadians perceived themselves. Expanding it much, much, much lower.

This video originally appeared on The Toronto Star

Scott Vrooman

Scott has written and performed comedy for TV (Conan, Picnicface, This Hour Has 22 Minutes), radio (This is That), and the web (Vice, Funny or Die, College Humor, The Toronto Star, The Huffington Post,...