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The United States will not tolerate the countries of the world acting like the United States, senior U.S. officials say.

In particular, according to U.S. officials speaking in a variety of media, the United States will not permit foreign intelligence services to act like U.S. intelligence agencies.

Countries where there is a general consensus that U.S. security agencies, military forces and politicians have interfered with the local political process include Afghanistan, Albania, Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Cambodia, Cameroon, Chad, Chile, China, Columbia, Cuba, Djibouti, Dominican Republic, East Timor, Egypt, El Salvador, France, Georgia, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Grenada, Guatemala, Haiti, Honduras, Indonesia, Iran, Israel, Iraq, Italy, Korea, Lebanon, Laos, Libya, Macedonia, Mexico, Myanmar, Nicaragua, Nigeria, Pakistan, Panama, Peru, the Philippines, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Syria, Thailand, Turkey, Ukraine, the United Kingdom, Uruguay, Vietnam, Yemen, the former Yugoslavia (including Bosnia, Herzegovina and Serbia) and Zaire.

“Obviously, interference in the U.S. election process is a very, very serious matter, and I think certainly this government would treat it with great seriousness,” John O. Brennan, director of the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, told the Aspen Security Forum last week in response to claims in the media Russian intelligence agencies hacked Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton’s embarrassing emails.

Representative Adam Schiff, the senior Democrat on the U.S. House of Representatives Intelligence Committee said in a statement, “that foreign actors may be trying to influence our election — let alone a powerful adversary like Russia — should concern all Americans of any party.”

“There should be some public response, including sanctions,” said former US Ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul.

White House spokesperson Ed Schultz described “a full range of options available to us in the government” to respond. “That includes economic sanctions out of Department of Treasury. That includes a number of law enforcement measures that Department of Justice has announced and has taken action on. The United States isn’t going to pull any punches in terms of our response.”

Meanwhile, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump called on the Russians to find more of Clinton’s emails. “Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing,” he said at a news conference.

It was thought to be business as usual last week, meanwhile, for normal hacking of Russian government computers by U.S. security agencies. The Russian government is “clearly a valid intelligence target,” said former National Security Agency General Counsel Rajesh De.

NOTE: This story is news satire. Accordingly, nothing in it should be taken seriously. However, it represents a breakthrough in the field of satirical news commentary. It is believed to be the first time a completely preposterous fake news story has been based entirely upon actual, verifiable comments by the people quoted, backed up with citations to major news organizations. This is the opposite of the approach taken by mainstream media.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

This post also appears on David Climenhaga’s blog,

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David J. Climenhaga

David J. Climenhaga

David Climenhaga is a journalist and trade union communicator who has worked in senior writing and editing positions with the Globe and Mail and the Calgary Herald. He left journalism after the strike...