In 2003, I predict that…

Paul Martin will finally realize his life-long ambition of becoming Prime Minister — not of Canada, but of Bermuda. “After years of flying the Bermudan flag on all of my company’s ships in order to avoid paying Canadian taxes, it just seemed natural that I would become a Bermudan citizen and run for the top political office there instead of in Canada,” Martin will explain.

Jack Layton will be elected leader of the federal NDP, prompting the media to run a series of articles and features under the theme, “The NDP is still around? Who knew?” Unsuccessful candidates Lorne Nystrom and Bill Blaikie will concede defeat graciously but will still complain that the newfound media and public attention being generated by Layton is bad for the party, as it distracts from other more important tasks (such as “labouring away in obscurity,” “fighting amongst ourselves over the minute details of policy,” and “winning meaningless moral victories that no one hears about.”)

Francoise Ducros, who was forced to resign as Press Secretary to Prime Minister Chretien after calling American President George W. Bush “a moron,”will be hired as an advisor by the American Republican Party. “All of us knew that the guy was a huge moron, but no one on his staff ever had the guts or the candor to say it out loud before. We realized that we could trust a Canadian to tell the kind of ugly truths that our President needs to hear, and we’re looking forward to hearing more of her honest opinions,” party strategist Anthony Parsons Jr. (subsequently labelled by Ducros as “a major loser with ugly clothes, bad hair, and even worse breath”) will comment.

After promising to invade and occupy any country with undisclosed weapons of mass destruction, any country which consistently violates both United Nations resolutions and international law, any country which is a threat to world stability, and any country which repeatedly ignores basic democratic values, Bush will suddenly order American troops to attack themselves.

Author and Filmmaker Michael Moore will win the Academy Award for Best Documentary for his film Bowling for Columbine. After considerable political pressure from the NRA and other conservative groups, the Academy will attempt to withdraw the award and give it to another, less controversial nominee. According to a defiant Moore, however, “The only way they’re going to get this Oscar away from me is to pry it from my cold, deadhands.”

On the heals of their expensive, yet popular hydro rebate public relations strategy, Ontario Premier Ernie Eves and his government will begin issuing cheques to Ontario residents to make up for some of their other mistakes. Starting in February, every Ontario taxpayer will be issued the followingcheques: $382.26 to compensate for destroying the health care system; $201.05 for destroying the education system; $185.64 for repeatedly targeting the poor for mistreatment; $129.89 for creating a massive housing crisis; and $605.34 for general government mismanagement.

While welcomingthe cheques (totaling over $1500.00) as one of the pre-election goodies they have come to expect, Ontario voters will listen to the small voice inside them that says, “Wouldn’t it be smarter (and cheaper) to elect agovernment that did the right thing in the first place and didn’t have to compensate people for all of its bungled policies?”

Two high-profile candidates Mike Connolly and Morty Taylor will emerge to challenge Waterloo Mayor Lynne Woolstencroft in her bid for re-election. In their campaigns, both Connolly and Taylor will target three main groups of potential supporters: people who like placing blame on those who don’t deserve it; people with short memories; and people who love irony.

Steve Woodworth and the rest of the “gang of four” conservative trustees on the Waterloo Catholic District School Board will finally move on from their attack on the work of public health nurses to focus on a new target: highschool athletics. According to Mr. Woodworth, “As soon as I heard that our sports teams were playing against teams called ’the Trojans’ — a name which is clearly intended to promote condom use — I knew that something had to be done to prevent the continuing corruption of Catholic values in our local school system.” Woodworth and his allies will promise to protest bypracticing what they call “the rhythm method” (only attending School Board meetings at certain times of the month) until the rest of the trustees give in and let them have their own way yet again.


Scott Piatkowski

Scott Piatkowski is a former columnist for He wrote a weekly column for 13 years that appeared in the Waterloo Chronicle, the Woolwich Observer and ECHO Weekly. He has also written for Straight...