Photo: flickr/Seth Anderson

From the desk of Prime Minister Stephen Harper

Ding, dong, the witch is dead, Canada! One of our oldest pieces of environmental legislation, the Fisheries Act, is gone. How are you going to celebrate?

To help get your minds a-whirring, I have established a new national holiday: Throw Some Shit in a River Day. Do you have some shit you don’t want? Throw it in a river! Because from now on — unless your shit lands directly on a salmon — we don’t care.

If you’re a mining company, you may find this particularly profitable. So what are you waiting for? Create some jobs and prosperity by throwing some shit in a river! If you’re an oil and gas transportation company — I’m looking at you, Enbridge and Kinder Morgan — the road to the West Coast is paved in gold! And dead noncommercial fish.

Speaking of those useless noncommercial fish species: it’s about time they learned to pitch in now and then. So, Throw Some Shit in a River Day is a double whammy. Maybe those fish can learn to do something with the shit we throw in the river, or maybe mutate into something delicious. Let’s leave that up to Science (the good kind, like in The Jetsons).

To those who say this might harm fish habitats, I say, exactly! The changes to the Fisheries Act explicitly removed fish habitat from protection. Now we can focus on protecting the purpose of the fish. By building malls, roads, pipelines and throwing shit in the river on their old habitat, we’re protecting what God put them here to do: provide us with jobs and prosperity. Families.

So what are you waiting for? Grab some shit, throw it in a river, have a beer and watch Canada’s environmental protections get washed out to sea. 

 

This article originally appeared on The Syrup Trap and is reprinted with permission.

Photo: flickr/Seth Anderson